Good Afternoon, Haven't written in awhile, and so I've returned for various reasons which shall make themselves clearly evident throughout the duration of this entry. And if for some unknown reason, you can't put all the peices togther, I'll just come out right now and say that all is not well in the land of Oz. To be honest, my thoughts have been so spuratic, that I'm beginning to see the reminants of my old, very old issues coming back 'round now that the summer's in full swing. I'll, I'll outline a few of them soon enough, or... maybe right now is the best time because it really doesn't matter much 'cause nobody who I really know checks this, or at least not anymore. 1. My exgirlfriend is finally over me... more or less. It's probably the best thing ou of all of the entire list on account of the fact that we can now be strictly platonic. But we all know that that is rarely the case with me and many of my female friends as things aren't ever as they seem. Still though, I'll miss the numerous innuendos that always riddled our conversations. It's for the best though - that much I do know. 2. Perhaps one of the only girls who was my friend the entire time of me liking her and never found out about it to this day is finally single after a long... long time. Can't quite explain this one too well, but needless to say that this reality was never actualized because - anyone? Anyone? Because I never actually told her, and by the time I got around to even THINKING about tellng her, she was being courted by two other gents... though I use the term loosely. She's single now, but she's created som distance between her and I on accuont of the act that she feels sorry for me. I don't know if things'll ever get around to the peaking point which they once were, but a boy can hope, right? 3. This one I always hate talking about because it's made it's way back onto my list of worryings every single year of my damned high school experience, and just as I think I got it done and out of the way; not so. First girl I ever liked in high school, twice removed ex of my friend - but in all fairness, I liked her first. She's become available after a two year sinking, cheating, substandard relationship with a random. I'm pretty sure she still suspects that I like her. In fact, I'm not sure she even thinks that I ever stopped. She's a little tedious in a group where she's comfortable, but alone, in public, or to bring home to the folks, she's an absolute sweetheart- just don't piss her off and tell her she's cute (she really is)...'cause she'll go all crazy on your ass. 4. Remember that girl I've been 'seeing' for about a year? Yea, wetlaked about som interesting stuff the other day. Pretty deep, but I' not sure how far that'll get me on account of the fact that she's really into her ex boyfriend of a year. He lives a little distance away... and that's a problem, naturally - but she seems to really like him. And from what I can tell, he's not necessarily a bad thing for her. Question is who's better for her. What's more is that the real question is who does she believe is better for her Could be fun to se this stand-off end with Pistols-At-Dawn. I'd smoke him, but with my fortune, she'll end up a wreck and dispise me for the rest of our life. Seems to be the gist of it, right? Wrong. Just when you thought that that could be all that's troubling me, I come back with an even longer list than before. Longing for your simpathy, never. Advice, I wouldn't dream of it. Just a place to visualize, actualize and vocalize everything; to allow me some breathing room to decide what the hell I'm going to do. Now that school's ended, the social, contextual, friendshipual and even financial considerations are no longer an issue. I ought to be preparing an analysis of pros and cons, courses of actions and alternatives just in case. But, I've got nobody to report to anymore, and no one to appease; no body to get hell from and no one to disappoint. I've just got myself and I can convince myself of anything, so why the hell am I still waiting on the due-diligence actions? I should just pick one and get on it. Pick and Roll, so to speak. And even though this is the case, the decadent silence of my thoughts summarily scream towards indirection. Seems like the less restraints we place on ourselves, the more susceptible we become to becoming lost. That's the real irony - we work so hard to attain something and once we get it, we discover that we may have been better without it. Perception and perspective, some of the most critical aspects of our growth, development and life folks. Without it, there wouldn't be too much indviduality, I assure you. Of course it's always the twisted versions of it that lead us astray. 5. Not too confident that what I'm doing is right. Going into university to get a degree in Business; major in Marketing minor in Management - if the fates allow. And as sure and composed as I am, I can't say that I'm sure that I ought to be going into this. It can be a great thing, and there's plenty of potential in many areas of life... but will I be of most use here? I don't know anymore. I'm good at it and all. I mean, my original plan was to hit up sales and such for the first half of my carrer, and then later switch into something more involved. I know it seems fool hardy, but one can always hope? But who am I kidding? Nobody'll vote for a premier of my demeanor, just look at me. Another time in another life I guess. But I guess until then I'm stuck being Anything To Everyone But Nothing To All. If you don't fully understand it, write me and I'll explain it, and how it works. And who am I kidding? I've never believed in hope - only in figurative speech and even that I'm trying to cut out - like the 'God' sayings and 'Luck' references. I suppose wish is more accurate, but I ony really believe in proactivity. Want a gauranteed future kids? You'll have to ensure it by working and making something out of yourself 'cause the reality is that if you try to sit around and wait for hand-outs, try to wait for providence, you'll end up further behind than you started because you spent all your energy and ime hoping and praying and not enough time looking at opportunities and outs. Want a good future? Gotta make it happen yourself, or else there'll be no Christmas for little Jonny. And this socialist poppycock doesn't exactly amuse me right now, so don't give me any drivel about the system. Play it by ear is what I guess I'll do. I actually went down to the university that I'll be "attending" come fall... not impressive at all. I suppose it's all in the hype that builds with friendships, events and alcohol. Still, I can't help but wondering what if I had followed my heart and picked a different place. Oh, but wait, I always end up asking that question. What a bloody surprise. I guess at the end of the day, I got the 'Serving All' part down pat, now to find that elusive Love I've been looking for. Searchingly, - Captain B. Calculating