*Sigh* I went out last night to a birthday party - had a good time. Went shooting and such; ranked in the top five for both games and that made me relatively happy. After that we proceeded back to a house to just hang out there and truth be known that's when I started thinking the most. I mean, sure I was thinking during the shooting - that's a neessity seeing as I was facing off against some pretty petty people. But all that aside, I really started reflecting and thinking afterwards. Actually, that's a lie. The moment I saw her my face lit up even though my chest gained an extra five pounds. That's always the way it is when I'm around her. One of the many mysteries of my life and I can't bear to think what could have... what would have been. I suppose that in actuality, she represents more than I really realized. That's right, for once, I didn't realize something. Still trying to figure out if it was the fact that I forced myself to not see it, or if it was the fact that I was just blind to it all along. Cute kid; it's a wonder I ever had such good taste. But maybe it isn't her as much as it's me wondering if the position I'm in is where I'd want to be. I mean, we saw each other for the first time in what seemed like ages and we hit it off right away. It wasn't anything major or even remotely sexual in nature, but it was an interesting reminder of my past... of a time when I held different things near and dear. A time when, granted, I was experimenting with myself and my limits, but it was also a time of juggling. Yes, I use to be quite the juggler. Had to juggle a few different lifes, a few different attitudes, personalities... a few different versions of The Captain, one never totally contradicting the values and/or the existance of the other... well, not until the final act anyway. At any rate, she just remindd me of better times. That's right, I say better and there are about six people that would have my head if they heard me saying that. I mean, sure I'm happy here and with the way things are- I've even developed and acquired certain things that will assist in my enjoyment of life... or so it should. But even though this be the truth, there's a part of me that... not that I was back in time because believe me, I had an awful hair style back then, but there is a part of me that wishes some things were the way that they us to be... when some things were simpler, when certain aspects of my life were more cut and dry - in the hands of different people, a safer group a more honoured and trusted group. That's not to say that this group is problematic, though in all honesty they do have their air share of trials and tribs on account of he size, but there are a few select people I would trust with my life - plain and simple. But there's a certain mysterious simplisticness to my previous life that... wow, previous life... I feel like some kind of torn super hero who's got interal and mental issues. At any rate, there is a simplisticness that I found and still do find very calming and heart-warming. An alost comforting sense when I'm around certain aspects of my past; her and a few other of my lady friends - a safety that I've yet to find elsewhere. It's lke... It's like on a positively cold winter's night curling up to the fireplace, a blanket around you and the fire radiating it's heat over your chilled body as the lights lay dimmly lit and the only objects that can be clearly seen are the ones closest to the candles that flicker on the mantle and all around you. It's like one of those scenes and damn it, I enjoyed that feeling of comfort and warmth frmo those people. But now with this newness and the various interests I've invested in... well, things are just not as sure or positive as they once use to be. And I mean, I'm not complaining about the changes becauseI know that these changes are mandatory and necessary to an extent. In all honesty, this wasn't meant as a complaint... more of a revoluntionary insight of my own, for my own. But now that I come to think of it, justhow much of u are really this way? Wishing that a part of something from the past was with us today? And we always end up thinking that in some way, shape or form it'll fit in erfetly with our little empire that we've built becuase if it was apart of us back then, it'll be fine right now. What a natural conclusion eh? Wrong. I meanwe're alwys evolving and it seems that all of us have a part of our past that for security or sensual reasons we wish we could always have with us, mostly fromthe same person or at least by someone who can represent/ replace the person from whom that feeling came/ is associated with. Now, that could be us just remembering the good things and wanting to bring it along for the ride. And I'd be willing to acept that except for the fact that I see a good many people who want to bring along things that aren't so good. So an interesting question is raised. Do we simply want to bring along memories and things we can relate to/with for the purposes of having that feeling (whether it be good or bad things) thus giving whatever that experience is a relative positive value? But the other possibility is that we have actually convinced ourselves that these experiences are good without realizing and/or analyzing it's objectively true value. Both have their danger value but both can produce a positive outcome as it can work towards a good and common goal. Ultimately, what is best for everybody would be the former of the two possibilities due to the fact that if we can acknowldge and than accept the fact that what we're holding onto is perhaps unhealthy and than decide that we need to carry it along, either as baggage or as a PFD. Either way, again, it doesn't matter. Of course, my model has taken for granted the supposition that the person making the decision is relatively rational and not a alien to the notion of using logic to obtain answers- in effect, purging emotional responses to various stmuli whie maintaining composure and on-trackness. You see, without a critical analysis of oneself, plentyof problems can and will enevitably arise out of, not necessarily this situation per say, but practically almost any situation involving our judgement. I'm not saying that I have mastered this, but I have come to a relative point whereby I'm satisfied enough to say that by hanging on to certain thigs of my past; the Winter-fireplace scene or various other things like perhaps putting pleasure before business for once in my life - myself above the need of others. Slowly learning, but not necessarily enjoying the practice. All that aside though, it's all of these... all of these warming visions that make me hang on and attatch myself to the past. These lingering memories that haunt me during the day, at night, at work or at play, all of them that I wish didn't get in the way as often as they do... I need them. I've realized that. They just don't serve as a reminder or as a teacher because its more than that. I need it to keep me sane, to keep certan goals in mind and to be a judg, a standard by which all others are judged. We all know that our pasts are important, and so because of that it ought to be taken into consideration, but the danger we can run into - the danger even I've encountered is when we let our past - particularly the past we're not extremely satisfied with, dictate our future. Fine line to walk and it's all about tolereance and balanced moderation based on that personal tolerance... it's all about the individual... mostly. Warmly yours, -Captain B. Balanced