How does Love, Anger, Regret, Dispisement and Longing wrap up into one big emotion? the DRALL.. or perhas LLARD for those of you cynically inclined people. I think that that's my new Emotion for the day. Forget what it says up there. I'm feeling Drall today. And thus another week has passed and thus another seven days have been subtracted from my life. And what do I have to show for it? Maybe 15% of a various marks total.Oh that plus an entire weeks worth of thinking and no doing. But I suppose that's always been the story of my life. Is it fear? Neh, for fear be the lack of knowledge and I've got plenty of that in regards to this situatoin. I suppose it is arguable that the only knowledge that I totally lack here is the reaction; what specifically will go down and how things will come to an end. You see, I cannot have one and spare the other. One must come at a cost of another or, I shall have the pleasure of neither and the cost be to myself and myself alone. But how bad is that? Afterall, I'm pretty sure that few have noticed, if any at all; as far as the entire world is concerned everything's just peachy and perhaps it be best left that way... perhaps. But here's where one of the inherent problems lay. You see, it still be on my mind. Always there. Try to move on, attempt to change things so that your day isn't solely made happy by the appearance of said matter, but you can't fight the jumping of your spirit. And they know... but they don't know. DO I wish I could say something? Most definately. But here's another issue (you'll see that they're rittled everywhere in here; just bear with me.) If this person were to fidn out fully what's been going on I have a nagging hunch that things would most definately change for the... *pauses to think* worse. Ya, worse. You see, it isn't necessarily about what you know, or even who you know. What the giant quesiton one must ask oneself is "How do I know, what I know?" and than you must ask "Why do I know what I know?" Because knowledge that appears to be deduced or assumed or anything of that nature can be very misleading. Sure you know what you know - but why do you know it? Were you just smart enough to be enlightened by your wisdom? No. Wisdom only listens - knowledge talks. Were you lead to know? Hints perhaps? Convieniently dropped along the way for the sole purpose of you "discovering" this giant correlation? That's up to every individual to decide. Nothing be written in an insultive or challenging manner, but the bigger quesiton is should I drop these all over the ground in front of her and see where it leads? We all know what usually happens with me and females - One here, one there... five years later... one here, one there; Or, at least it seems that way. Nothing ever stable nothing ever to deliver true happiness. And again, what is it all to show for? What would have been better would be to be able just freeze time, go to... I don't, go somewhere to see what things would be like if I were to just have done it. What if I had gone through with and gotten into that relationship years ago? What if it was to have actually filled what seems like the eternal viod in my life? Well, I know right now that a lot of other things along the way wouldn't have happened. But there's always that stupidness of changing time and eveyrone knows that if you go back and change something then everything that you know right now would be oh so different. Is that something I'm willing to live with? I don't know... I truly do not. But to continually live like this torment - I suppose - it just isn't. I know it isn't. But I tell her and what happens? Things just get shot to hell if she doesn't feel like getting out of who she's already attatched to. And the more time I spend with her... the more time I spend with her the more it hurts. I'll put it to you like this. Imagine being lost in the desert and having a glass of water attatched to a kinfe which has been stabbed into your chest. And your throat is parched and you need to drink the water, but each time you bring that glass to your lips the knife moves a little and hurts like hell. Yea, that's exactly what this is... only it's not life threatening... yet... perhaps. But she'll never truly know. Of course she won't because I'm just like that. Maybe I am afraid afterall, maybe I just hide behind my shield of helpfulness. I leave as little time for myself as possible so I won't have to confront the issue -just keep on rolling past it all and somehow erect as the hero when I'm nothing more than a mere coward. How is it that I am both? Cowardice is not a family trait - but then again everyone in my family is so vain that they've never even looked at themselves other than on a epidermal level. So where am I left exactly? Nobody knows more than I tell them so do I tell 'er and run the risk of poisoning myself? I guess it boils down to just how well I know her and the sad part is that it even hurts to write about it because I know I'm writing about something'll I'll never be able to get. Close but no cigar type thing... only this isn't a Bond film and I can't have my pick of any lady. The only similarity between the two is that I might wind up a lonely drifter too. He was only married once - and she was killed (poor lasse) So what? I say something and what ends up happening is the enevitable, I lose her. I lose her and become a loser (person who loses) all because of a foolish whim? That's all it really is- a whim. Alrght, so I lie. Who the hell am I kidding? This is more than a whim. But if you were to see me in person and knew who it was, you wouldn't think anything more of it than a whim. Am I just that good at hiding? Well, when you've been doing this kind of stuff for five six years... well, you kinda learn to repress and supress your feelings to the point whereby you can walk around with a poker face - seemingly unruffled by a bomb going off beside you and ripping apart your best friend. But what does it all boil down to? It's never so simple - ever. I'd like to say it was so that I could go grab something to eat and maybe let you get away from actually reading all of this drivel but FYI, I'm doing this for me. I guess that would be why it's my diary. Ha! What a revelation. So I've shot from one edge of the issue to the other to another to a fricken other and yet seemed to miss the entire issue. The entire reason in which I wanted to base this entry that is, though rest assured I made sure we were lead away from the DRALL issue as well. See, today was supposed to have been titled "Knowledge and Power" but.. well as we can see this totally went off course and screwed me up royally. Certain things... certain people you just can't get ot of your mind and somehow they wind up in the damnedest places. Like on your hand, in a note, between pages that no one'll ever read because you're too scared to even let them see the light of day. And so I come on here and do what? I spill all of this out for your interest... entertainment to some? Perhaps. And if that's what you've come here to find than I truly hope that you're entertained my friend because we aim to please. But if it at all helps, knowing that this at all made you feel a little better is enough to bring a little; just a little bit of happiness into my life. So yes, in case you're wondering, there is something you can do to try and make my life a little more bearable. What you can do is you can never make stupid decisions which seem right at the time that'll make you regret your action/ inaction in the future; you do that for me and you'll make me a very very happy person because I could go on for pages and hours more but no words'll ever justify how I'm feeling right now: not even that stupid acrynom up there. I can never explain to you what any of it's like - I can't explain what it's like not knowing if I'll ever cross her mind, not being able to say "this is the way it is and it's alright because I tried." Remember that saying "it is better to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all" - remember that saying? Ya? Live by it. *Nods Once* -Captain B. Tears