You know, I've had the whole weekend to just think to myself... well, except last night because I was at a friends house and some craziness went down, but other than that I've been thinking this whole weekend about various things, you know - the usual stuff. I suppose in a sense you don't really know what constitutes as the "usual stuff" so I probably shouldn't be saying things like that: my apologies. So like I was saying, I was just thinking about all of the things going on and of all the times it occured to me last night, while in the presence of my friends that I'm not as happy as I'd like to be. Sure to a degree every emotion has it's benefits and special POV, but one can only stay one way for so long before things start to get boring. Well, boring is truly the wrong word to use as a boring person cannot get bored that statement is flawed... *ponders* perhaps I should have said "before one starts to feel inadequate" and I don't mean that in the sense of not living up to others standards, I mean that in the sense of living up to my own expectations for what it means to be me, to be happy and to be good enough to get what you want. You see, after awhile and a lot of singledom one starts to analyze things, look over the pros and cons of ones choice and begins to, as in my case, second guess himself. To be quite blatant with you for a moment, I don't think I know what I want really. I know, I know this is all just a little stage and next week I'll be as right as rain because I would have convinced myself that everything is alright- but can I really trust my own judgement? I'm not sure that I fully do. Granted that some people do for whatever rason I may never know, but quite frankly I can't say that I feel as reassured about my own personal decisions as I do when I'm assisting people in their daily lives. I fully understand that we all have god days and bad days, much like the ocean tides, and I understand that there are high and low seasons, but what do you do when the tides reciede backwards, forming one permanent spot? What do you do when you cannot differenciate between low tide and high tide; when the lines and definitions just seem to blur into the fading background. I've got work to do and responsibilities to persue and yet I find myself still here, though I know it won't do any more good than getting it out there. No solution can be found nor can I possibly improve my chances of dealing with this by writing it out for my own personal benefit. And if you wanna know the truth, I don't think that this one is one that I'll be able to solve anytime soon. I've been struggling with these ideas/ concepts for months now to no avail. I guess my best bet would be to just sit tight and hope for the best... keep on doing what I do best eh? That's right - stay silent, be seemingly strong and whatever you do - keep the lid bottled tight. All's well on the Eastern Front... it has to be... -Captain B. Bottle