Today I realized a few key things; Some about myself, and some about people as a result of others in my family. Mind you, some I knew since forever but today it just occurde to me of how correct I really was. You know those people who are so reliant on others that they don't react to a situation or give their own opinion until they see how somebody else treats it? I mean, the typeof people who don't laugh or scoff at something unless the leader does so? And I'm not even talking about something like a big group or mob. I m ean something simplistic like... just two people. Almost reminds me of a dog and an owner, whereby the pet doesn't do anything until the owner inadvertantly or intentionally gives him/her the signal on what to do. Any of this making sense so far, or am I just mkaing sense in my own head? Anyway, I realized that my sister is the exact same way, only she's not a dog, nor is this in any way related to friends. It's my mother and her. Now, my mom is totally oblivious to this and if I were to even mention it everyone would either think I as crazy for thinking it, or they'd think I was crazy for noticing it; either way no-one would even touche it with a ten foot pole. And right after I stopped thinking about my sister due to lack of care, I started thinking of other people who I know that are the exact same way. They will not react until they see what a certain individual does because, god forbid they end up having their own minds and acting in the way they see fit. Almost like they have no discretion or ideas for themselves. So I'm sitting there thinking and it all just fell together, I don't know how it happened but all of the names of people like that in my life - just boom. All of a sudden I felt so bloody impowered... like the system mainframe of the FBI or something. Anyway, the question is why? Why are some people "followers" (I hate that phrase) and why are others the type to keep the followers around (not necessarily leaders.) Self confidence, image, what is it? The Reasons are numerous and the causes plentiful in count but what does it boil down to? I cannot say. I'm sure that some of you have the ability to take this issue and cut it down to the basics, but for some reason or the other I'm just not in the mood tonight. Either that or I'm just... What's the word... Abstract... in the counterproductive way. In retrospect, I think I should have started my revelations from earliest to most recent. But the problem is that I can't quite figure out what to make of a certain situation and because of that I'm inclined to just not say anything and just sit tight... But I feel like if I don't say something to someone, somewhere that I'll implode. How should I go about this? Ah, I feel not only guilty, but a little thrown off as well. But the more I think about it, the more run around in circles I become. BTW, I realize that this isn't a contemplative, world axis altering, profound writing... this one is kinda just for me to vent a little. If you wish, there are some better one a few back: Take your pick. So where was I? Ah yes this thing that's going down - or at least in my head it is. Well, where do I start. Perhaps at the beginning. Yes, that seems like a fitting place to begin our... my little tale. So Lately things have been kind of out there, and all of a sudden I start seeing her more and more often. Now, not to be confused here; this her is different from the old Her which I've mentioned earlier. The other Her... well I still know, talk with - and quite blatantly love Her, and I don't know why but I believe I'm starting to be attracted to other people other than Her. I suppose that's where the guilt comes into play. I haven't seen Her in so long and although we do talk, lately she's been kind of distant. I mean, like, I can't quite place my finger on it and it's not that I'm impatient or that I'm trying to look elsewhere for something that she's not giving me, cause trust me she is super awesome cool. It's just that, well, it's just that I think I might ALSO like someone else now. I've like her since last year, but never said anything because of the difference in groups and possible problems. Oh and she's kinda sorta, but not really connected to one of my distant ex's. But anyway, She's really funny, and really my type. Did I mention that she's single too? Yea, that's probably a plus, but... I don't know, she just seems out of my reach; know what I mean? These kinds of things usually happen to me, so I'm not concerned but this is different, she's different. Don't ask me to explain it fully, 'cause I can't. I can barely put it into words and logic in my head. All I know is that when I see her something registers in me that's... I don't know, but she's a good person. Better than Her... well, that's up for debate. I know that my heart and soul lays in Her, but with this new girl... well, let's just say that if things were given the right amount of time (which they probably will not) But let's say that they do, I could see myself falling for her quite easily. But what's more than that is the fact that I really don't feel good about it. Like seriously, I really like Her, but this new girl has now got some time space in my mind. I'm pretty sure that she doesn't like me, and that she doesn't think anything more of me than just there. I could put forth some advancements... but that would prove tres difficile or even lethal to any other type of movements going on. I know right now I can't afford to get involved or sucked into one thing too much... or at least not for this week due to certain circumstances. But I don't want to totally disclude the old girl that I connect with so much. She means the world to me - honest to god she does and I know that in the past if it weren't for her I wouldn't be where I'm at right now. The problem is that I shouldn't be thinking about this new person like this. I really and truly shouldn't be. And I know I wont be able to book in any time with Her anytime soon. So now I'm faced with a slow relationship (not necessarily boyfriend/ girlfriend) and a liking of some sort. Old skeletons that somehow have gained the energy to get out and move about in my life. Oh what is a boy to do? I think my best bet is to just sit tight and see what the bell tolls and just go with the flow of it. I really don't want to lose Her - and even though she's way too good for me there's a certain kind of magic about Her that not only keeps me coming back but also... *sigh* why must I feel this much for her? Afterall, I've only known her for what.. like four years? And we started to date within the first year of knowing each other and have yet to ever get over one another. I'm not too sure how I'm going to last another two years w/o having her but I think I might be able to manage someway. Who knows, maybe if I stick this thing through I'll be hearing the tolling of wedding bells... yes, that's how sure I am of Her: that damn sure that she could be the one. But still, there's too much at stake here, too much to sacrifice and this is not a bet I'm willing to lose. I'm a betting man but I'm not a stupid man. All of a sudden I realize that I've gotten so far off from my revelations that I won't even go back. Perhaps later on in the week I'll write the last part of this which was about Time. I won't further explain it, but the topic should suffice for now. I still have some thinking to do on this matter, so if you will excuse me I will be going on my not so merry way. Regards, -Captain B. Tolling