I need to get a few things off my chest, Today is the start of a new and somewhat interesting section. And I certainly don't mean it in a liberating, revelation way. Today, I wake up and find myself jobless, short a few friends, on the verge of losing over five more and, in addition to that, I'm really starting to reconsider what the hell I'm doing, at my age, in my current frame of mind, actually going to university. They say that you'll make new friends, experiences etc. etc., but that's little comfort to the man who's only got a bottle of Silent Sam to talk to at nights. And much like his name implies, he's not a very good conversationalist, let me tell you. But wait, there's hope - a glimmer of it even. I've always got my vanilla-mint Trident gum. Doesn't cause cavities, has a gooey center and everybody's favorite... Aspartame. If that doesn't sell you, I give it my personal recommendation. The kiwi/strawberry is a little too sweet fo me, but you're free to try it if you want to. She's actually gone. And For the first time since forever, I actually told someone that I loved them. Not like "me too" or "luv ya" but I actually... said it. I haven't said it in over a year and a half... close to two. Perhaps I was scarred worse than I thought? Not even to my own mother have I said it (and that's saying a lot.) I didn't mean it in a romantic way either, I don't see her like that, it's been over a year since I left that road behind. I may never see her again and it's safe to say that, well, quite frankly she one of the closest friends I've ever had. Good person too. And like everything else in our lives, I took her for granted. What a numb-nut eh? I cried... ... and meant every tear this time. I don't really have anyone to talk to about anything. For the sake of saving face and protecting my own credibility I don't dare mention a word of this to anyone around here. The only people I could are either miles away or not available. Don't get me wrong - it's not imperative that I talk to people about this - I'd just prefer it if I could have somebody, anybody around that I could go out, do whatever and have a few drinks with afterward. Might be nice, but I've never truly known that luxury, so why long for it now, eh? I just never realized how much our friendship really meant to me. Want my advice folks? Tell your friends just how much they mean to you and make sure they know you mean it because by the time your senior/ last/ grade twelve year rolls around - it may be too late. Don't believe me? Wait for it. Now I'm off to university and yet I'm feeling this huge pull, a tugging in two different directions that I still can't figure out for the life of me what to do. Venture Capitalism, Vs. Humanitarianism Could split it down the middle, but than you're nothing more than a liar; one or the other posing as what you're really not. Gotta love that option. Or maybe I could wash out of a profession; do something like teaching. That'll go over well. What I wore up and down I'd never do becomes a new way out of making a tough decision? Maybe I ought to opt out. But why should I; for the kids perhaps? I don't even like children, let alone teenagers. Pfft. Lost so much in 24 hours. Some by my own doing, some by chance. Maybe Buddha and the Jedi are onto something when they suggest that you shouldn't have any attachments to earthly things, possessions and people alike. But I guess that's why I'm no Jedi. I'm just not feeling grouded is all. Know what I mean? I don't find comfort in much these days - not even food brings me much pleasure these days. Life ceases to have meaning without purpose. And right now I'm lacking much needed purpose. Things are changing and I'm question myself at every bloody turn. You wouldn't know it to look at me, but I know what's going on - I'd say that I'm in the best position to tell you what my unhealthy patterns are, what I should be improving upon and even what all my little secrets are. Look at me. This is what my damn entries have amounted to. A place for me to whine and mewl. I use to have more to say once. There was a time when I'd be actually discussing somewhat intellectual concepts, or at least an aspect of this goddamned proverbial riddle we're experiencing. What do we call it again? Oh that's right - Life. If you have the answer to it, let me know. I'll probably tell you that you're right, but only conditionally. Perspective is everything folks and if you really want to know the truth, there is no answer. You either work for yourself and not worry about the larger picture at all, OR you try to fix things, work against everybody who's picked the first option; oftentimes confuse your heads and tails and end up dying at an early age in a world that's no better off because of your efforts than the world you were in when you first started. Good luck to you all. As for me, I'm still on the fence of whether I should use my powers for good, moderate good or not so good. There really is no such thing as evil folks. It's just a term created for the benifit of the msses so that people know who / what they're against - god forbid they forget. Trust me, one worlds butcher is another worlds hero. Absolute evil? Don't talk to me about it because there's an angle for any and everything. I firmly believe that, and even if I don't believe in that angle, one cannot deny that it exists. As for categorical evil, the closest thing you'll ever get to that is an agreement amongst the majority, not Unanimous: majority agreeing that it's evil. And what does that have to do with the matter at hand? Nothing. But it allows me to not only lengthen this entry but also add some kind of agreeable meaning to it. I don't sleep well much anymore. Lack of REM. sleep until the late hours of the morning render me slow and inaccurate in many of my tasks. By the time I get to that level of sleep, I feel guilty for still being asleep so I have to get up, start a late day and thus go to bed late, starting a pattern. Damn work. Well, I guess I don't have to worry about work any longer, so maybe things'll go back to normal soon. Maybe. I dreamt of a bird the other day. The entire dream revolved around a bird that wasn't mine, but a friend's who liked me. I kept on calling it Roxy, though it wasn't it's given name. Let it loose inside a mall, outside a pet store an it came back to me. Small, dark-brown to black with orange-red tipped feathers. I'm pretty sure I know what it means. I ought to get a pet bird. I should get out more and do something to alleviate the tension and feeling of restraint - stop the feeling being, cooped up, so to speak. Same day I went and bought a bottle of Scotch. Haven't gotten the image of that damn bird out of my head since. Maybe instead of being a dog person I'm a bird person?? I doubt it though. Kittens are alright, Dogs are 50/50. Turtles are clearly where it's at. Maybe I'll invest in one... someday. Wonder what they're life span is. Oh well, I guess I'll have to stick with my Aspartame. Don't make me rush, - Captain B. Chewing