It feels goo to actually have the ability to write in this here diary. from about 3 oclock to about eight, I was unable to get anywhere on the internet due to "technical difficulties." In short, my bloody blocker, firewall and everything else my father installed in the computer because he feels like there's a need to protect us from "intruders" is impairing my ability to learn, discover and express myself. I'm sure that that's probably in your best interest because I know you don't really want to be reading this. I figure that if you are ready this you're either 1. Just as crazy, if not crazier then me 2. You're being forced to read this. If by chance the truth happens to be the latter and not the former, I hereby relieve you of your duty. If you reading this is merely a result of your insanity then I not only invite you to stay and read awhile, but also to comment if it should take your fancy to do to. So my day @ school was pretty alright I guess. Nothing really happens to me at school really - We're all like caught in a contunious causality loop or at least a cd placed on repeat. As I see it, that's really just what our life is really. It's got an 'x' number of tracks which, at various points in our life playout. You could call them the emotions but I'm thinking a little bigger then that (not to sound condescending.) And so these tracks play out with our different situations/ stages of our lives. Each situation being a different player. So you know how sometimes you'd have one CD and youd want ot hear it but you're on the computer so you'd play it on the computer, but then you go to differnt rooms so you might pop it in the family stereo and then your bedroom stereo. And then you might want to hear it while you're walking to the store or going out for a jogg or whatever so you go and take it there with you. Well, each stage of our life is like those different playing devices. Although the track is the same track, it never sounds the same on any two players. Much like with your life how although you may be feeling one way towards two people or about two people, it's never an identical feeling. So anyway, our life is like a CD with various tracks that get played by different players; each player having a different effect on any given song. You know how sometimes you'll have a CD, and you check the case and it says it's only got 18 songs and then you might get one or two bonus tracks? Well those tracks that you weren't expecting are the little pleasures (or lack thereof) which occur in our life. I guess a good example of a hidden track would be when you get a significant other. You ever totally expected it when you started out on this joureny we call life, but it happened. And becuase you're so overjoyed by this you really like the bonus song and you play it and play it. And either becuase of over (sometimes under) playage, you either get sick of, or want more of this track. I think most of you get where I'm going with this. See, the same goes for a relationship I guess. You either grow to really realy like/love it or you grow to hate it for whatever the reason may be. And again, when you play this track (which is not relative or limited to that one person, but instead the concept of a good relationship) on a different stereo or outlet, it changes. Who knows, because you heard it on a new stereo (different person) which was set to have more bass, you grew to love the song (relationship.) I know you followed all of that because honestly it wasn't that complicated. I think I just need to work on expressing and possibly organizing my idears better *ponder* Well, good luck with that. So the song I'm listening to now (and in no way am I trying to parallel this to my above point) has the great line whic I have decided to make my title for this entry. I think it really suits a lot of people (myself included) and this can be dangerous at times... very dangerous indeed. Why let the same old things become our history? And becase we keep on doing the "re-run" our history never changes, thus we do not learn anything nor do we advance/ develop. And let me tell you, lack of advancement can be a lethal adversary. Although regression or becoming stagnant in our learning process is lethal, it doesn't happen as often as one of our other opponents in life. I think and believe that we can conquer everything and this one thing will always bother us, never be defeated. Our own potential. It's not a revolutionary concept, and I'm sure that someone's already thought of it, but just think about it. No matter what happens, what we do- we will always see it as we didn't do what we could have, do what we possibly should have. And the problem with some people isn't that they don't meet their potential; it's that they have or that they've excelled their potential (a contradiction in terms) and don't realize it. And so they continue life beating up on themselves or thining that they're a worthless pile of horse manure. And all of a sudden such a great person transforms from being an idol/ icon or just a good person to nothing more then a mere bag of rags. That's one of the saddest things in life. That sometimes the human need to perfect ourselves or improve upon what, sometimes, is obviously a materpeice, actually ruins the artwork. Applying that to a smaler scale; we do things like that every week of our lives here. I know that many a time have tried to improve something that others thought was good and in the end things turned out worse then what it use to be... Sometimes the imperfection of an object or situation is what makes it that damn perfect. Conversely, sometimes the perfection of an object is what makes it imperfect or undesirable. Funny how we work as humans eh? We seek perfection but how can we really do that when our own view of what is perfect, is not only undefined due to our changing nature, but is, by default - imperfect. I don't claim to know or even believe that I will ever know the answer to these questions for some of the greatest minds have pondered this question and the best they can do it either 1. Blame God 2. Join in someone elses theory due to 2i) their inability to figure it out 2ii) the fact that it's the truth (but we as outside observers can't see it) 3. Come up with a handful of more questions (which in itself is admirable, if they do not claim to know it all) 4. - 6. Others which I do not have the time to express for I still have work to do before nine. And thus you have it. My thoughts, just my thoughts for the night. Do with it as you please. I don't suspect that I'll be getting alot of responses to it tonight because of my late postings, but we shall see. Oh and before I part my friend. I know I should have and was suppose to email you back today but I'm really sorry that I can't. I promise that tomorrow you'll get a really good one *shifty eyes* yea, really good. Maybe that means I won't be as stupid in it as usual... but don't hold your breath. So with that, I must go. All of you have a good night and sleep tight. Au revoir, -Captain B. Sleepy