So, today I was lucky enough to get a note from someone I haven't written to in ages. I'm friends with her and all, it's just that we kind of drifted away as the years dragged on - high school has a way of doing that to people all the times. I really hate that; honest so god I do. I mean, even with some of my other friends - last semester I was really really close with like two/ four certain people and come this semester... well, things just aren't the same. Truth be known. Even though I had my ex in some of my classes, at times I'd prefer to be back there with the people I know and love. Wow, I was slightly stupid back then- back when I was a youngin. Had it all but it slipped away. Sometimes it can feel like people will always be there and then one day you wake up and realize exactly what you sacrificed and realize that it wasn't worth it. So "K", if you're out there reading this, which I know you aren't, but if you one day stumble across it - I'm sorry; I was wrong. I say this not because of what you mean to me and what you'll always mean to me, but because it just wasn't right - should have gone about it differently... I really should have. Truth be known, I was considering making this a private entry, but I don't want to leave you great people out in the cold today so I'll just carry on as normal... or something extremely close to it that you can barely tell that it's synthetic :o) Come on, work with me here; I'm not what I use to be - that's for sure. Innocence can be a valuable thing, blinding at times but still, it has a certain degree of worth. You know, I'm finding that the bus rides are much more valuable then they use to be, I'm even thinking that if I ever get y licence, I may occasionally take public trans. I know I'd still walk to a lot of places but... honestly, I get a lot of thinking done while I sit/ stand - more while standing but we don't talk about that much. Well, when I sit I think more about my life, but when I stand I find myself thinking more about life and various social/ cultural issues. Almost scary at times, partcularly when sometimes I miss your stop. C'est la vie. Maybe I ought to come back to what I was originally talking about - how does that sound? Well, as I was saying, I got the note from her and to be honest it couldn't have come at a better time. Her little release of problems not only gave me something to think about, but it just got me thinking overall and made me realize that maybe the person/people that I use to be interested in was a worser idea then merely not being good for the friendship. Ever get that vibe that you just really connected with someone really well? Like, the connection was kinda deep (not necessarily sexual or boyfriend/girlfriend way, but deep as in intimate as in close.) Yea well, I really felt like that- we not only connected really well but we shared some really special thoughts, ideas, stories, experiences. And I knew that she didn't like me or anything, personally I wouldn't like me either. But the point was that maybe... maybe I just made more out of it then I should have. Never told anyone anything though anad to this day when I look at her I still get... well, you know. It's weird, there were times when I'd get displeased with my exgirlfriend for whatever stupidness she was getting involved in and I'd call up my friend and she'd always just be there. Never found myself really talking about the problem because it was so stupid and I'd never waste her time with it - still wouldn't to this day, but I just think... Correction - i know there were times when I really wanted to talk to her, more so then the girl I was dating. There were a lot of those moments. Never happened before - ever. And it's not that I was running away or anything- a captain never runs. It was just more along the lines of wanting to be with her more then my girlfriend. Can't explain it, though in some regards I think she'd make for a better girlfriend. Would never told her that though at times I wish I could have, I wish I could have. Never thought it would come down to this though - never dreamnt that one day I'd fall for her like this and have to bite my tongue as often as I have. Never once did I suspect that things would amount to all of this yet not amount to anything. I am not asking for help, for I know there is nothing no one can do... I know that much. But still, there is something inside of me that just wants to hold on, stay on and just keep things the way they are. It'll never work, naturally. I already know how things are going to end up rolling come grade twelve; if I'm wrong I'll ship each of you a Canadian twenty (which is barely worth anything in american, so really, the stamp will cost more then the actual twenty. Okay, so that's not the truth, but still, it was humorous - slightly. I can almost gaurantee this because I'm just that damn good. Spare me all of the crazy talk - realistically; it's not going to happen. I don't want to seem like a mean/ bitter/ mad person - because I'm really not it's just I've grown weary of day in, day out supporting a falseness that, for all intensive purposes, slightly gave my days more meaning. And I know what you're about to say - Captain, that's such a fool-hardy thing to do, what were you smoking? And when you ask me that, I'll tell you Opium. Alright, bad joke but it was from history class. I know it wasn't the bes thing to have done, but when you're in my spot I'd like to see what you do Miss. Smarty-Pants :oP Yarr, so how was your day today? Unfortunately I'm not totally aware of how your day went, for I do not live around you, which I find truly saddenning. Honestly, I've got a crazy idea for something. Want to hear? Now I do not suggest any of you do this, but it's just a suggestion. My idea is that one day I'll end up being a wanderer. Just wandering around from town to town getting into little situations and geting out of them. Maybe meeting great people along the way. It's a different way to see things; just from a different perspective. Maybe I could stop by your respective towns and pay you a visit... maybe just make good on the bathbuddy friendship ;o) [alright so that was a bad joke but I think you might get it.] I just think that it might be a good way to get all of these things out of my mind. Out of sight out of mind almost. Perhaps I'll be able to transform some of these old friends into distant, less painful memories ... Farewell, -Captain B. Walking