G'Day! I haven't written in quite some time, so I figure it's time I get back to it before something devestating occurs... like SitD shutting down my account for good. So, in my absence, I went to Europe for ten days. Oh it was so kick-arse. France and England were probably the best spots, though admittedly, the Neatherlands provided us with the best accommodations. I've got plenty of pictures, though the ones that I really wanted to come out didn't due to various reasons which I shant name. Taught some grade elevent girl from Mississippi how to play chess and convinced her for about an hour that I was a high school philosophy teacher... Of course in retrospect, considering the fact that I was the only one drinking scotch and not acting like an idiot at the bar, I suppose that it really isn't tht much of a victory for me. At any rate, after an hour, I just couldn't lie to the poor dear anymore so I told her that I was simply a senior considering a major in philosophy. FYI: Scotch in Germany is more expensive but they have a better selection than the Neatherlands. Still, overall, England's got some good stuff for a fair price. But enough about scotch and onto more pressing issues. As some of the more observant of you will notice, my birthday was over the marc break and... well, I mean I enjoyed it because I was in London, but I really didn't enjoy it. And the sad part is that I Think most of the group realized that I wasn't happy. It started in France and lasted into England. I just... I cn't quie place my finger on it. I mean, here I was, having agreat time with sme great folks half-way across the world with only two supervisors- both of which trusted me the most; even after I had a few drinks in me; and just wasn't happy. I actually had some pretty negative *ponders* scratch that. I actually had some pretty dark thoughts during the latter part of my trip. Things just didn't seem to do it for me anymore. I left Canada feeling hallow, extremely hallow. I got rid of that feeling by occupying myself with the attractions and happenings... but that only worked for so long. Not to mention the fact that my friend ended up fooling around with this girl that he didn't know I was getting close with... but then again I never really could compare to the drunken charms of any of my friends now could I? *shakes head* I don't know, it all seemed so *sigh*. So, to rip a melody of a song by the Righteous Brothers, 'I lost that hallow feeling...' but than got it back in about a week. What the hell was I thinking; A Canadian Suicide in Paris? Yea, like that would have gone over well with everyone. Yea, the one who everyone looks to for strength and a sense of ever enduring spirit gives up. I swear it's only because I know certain people look to me for there sense of propriety that I'm still animate. "Keep Fighting The Good Fight," and "Don't Give Up The Ship," words to live by my friends, words that have gotten me this far, though, in all honesty, I've considered abandoning them in the past. So Mr. Bond, you're a hypocrate? Well, only a little and only in my most vulnerable moments; but at least I can dig myself out of it when needed. And that's what counts... right? Right? So I get back and I'm as tired as a fleet of Goodyears but can't seem to get enough sleep. Take a day off school and the next day - Good Friday - I take a visit to an old abandoned complex with my friend whom I haven't talked to in a month and a half. She's just as beautiful as I remember... maybe even more so. It's one of those things. I mean, we got the perfect night. 9:18 PM, Full moon in a clear blue sky reflecting off of the open water and in the distance all the constellations you could ever want. Immediately below, little low tides gently pushing against the rocky shoreline just enough make a small rippling sound to indicate it's presence. A sprinkle of snow on the rocks overshooting the shoreline and there we were - her and I just standing there admiring it, in the middle of it. It was beautiful. I didn't even feel the wind that night and as I stood there behind her, my arms warpped around to the front of her waist - it just seemed so surreal. And that's when I realized that I... that we should have done this a long time ago. We're going back in a few weeks and I'm really looking forward to it to be honest. She's one of very few people that I actually always look forward to spending time with. *sigh* A fool am I, my dears, a fool am I. Today I rekindled some old feelings with some ex girlfriend; three in total. I haven't seen them since I got back and I missed them something awful. Good kids. And in a sense it just highlights some of my odder, less focused moments when I gave up some good things. But not all is wrong though - at the time it was the right choice and I fully... mostly stand behind all my decisions. Then there was last night. I escaped from my house in 007-esque fashion. Silently opened a wooden window, removed the screen and exited. Closed said window to not leave a trace and then proceeded to walk to the edge of the roof and lept off to the half frozen ground a storey and a half below. *Wooo* Left the house around 10:30 re-entered at 2:30, bypassed the alarm system on the door and nobody's the wiser. All I needed was a suit and a Walther PPK and I'd be unstoppable. Although I'd like to be unstoppable, sometimes I'd prefer to be stoppable because I know that deep down inside it reassures me of my humanity; I just want to be human, to have some limitations that come with life. Sometimes I want to just be free of consequence, reasoning (though I'd never say that aloud) responsibility - announced, implied, self and societially imposed. But I can't... I never am because... just because. And that's part of the problem with this entry. It's seems to be jumping everywhere, but it's basically the big happenings - both internal an external for the past two weeks all in chronological order. So rest assured there is reason to my rhyme. I suppose it's to let you know what's been going on with me and to let me put it all in order to remember and see what the trends and feelings are... were. I guess are is accurate too. But I'll tell you this much, if I could right now, I'd leave all of this to go back to Friday night. For once I was able to let go of a lot of things. I was kinda spontaneous, somewhat dependant, clever when neccessary and silly in thought and action: all at the same time. I was me, but not me. I was, I was someone who I've been wanting to be, but unable to be due to various circumstances, all because I was able to just let go of life; even if just for four hours - and those four hours were better than the sum of a good number of months of my life because I could just be, with no strings attatched. And so, for those few moments, in order to experience life, I had to let go of life. The ultimate paradoxal tradeoff. But that my friends... that's a feeling that I'd trade a lifetime of glory, popularity and respectablity in for. And in all honesty, that's the only thing in this journal entry that really matters to me. Not the fact that I lost a girl, or that I regret some of the past, or the price of Scotch. The most important thing is that I experienced my own humanity. Cheers, -Captain B. No Strings