Hello, You know, I was just thinking and I realized that as a result of yesterdays activities I was not able make an entry for Friday and thus I have decided to really put some effort into this one. I can't say that I totally know what to talk about so basically I'm going to talk about: 1. What I'm doing. 2. What I'm thinking about. 3. What I've deduced over this past week. 4. Miscellaneous items. See, I was sitting here working and listening to music and I got kinda attatched to one of the lyrics of one of the songs. It goes: "I'm burning all your stuff, that's not enough, I'm faking, I'm aching, mistaking lust for love... Don't forget, no regrets, 'cept maybe one made a deal, not to feel..." And all of a sudden I'm putting the song on repeat and wondering what the hell's wrong with me; let me explain. Ever since I've been single I've been... I've been not just lonely; lonely can't explain this feeling. Lost and alone I think is the closest I can come up to it. I've been single now for about two months and within that two months I haven't done anything productive. The only people I can like are either really close friends, girls with boyfriends, or people are miles and miles away. All of this hit me back on Wednesday and I guess in a sense that's why my entires have been kinda spuratic, stupid and just not Captain-like. And there's not a bloody thing I can do about any of it - I know that. Ever know what it's like to long for the embrace of someone? The wanting of something that trandscends that of mere friendship and enters the boundry that is more then any man could wish for. I'm reminded for an old proverb with a saying, it goes "Lonely is a man without love," and I can attest to that. You know, there's something to be said for what someone can get out of a relationship and there's something to be said for what a relationship gets out of a person; they both always occur, but sometimes one set is bad while the other set is good. Been there done that, never again. But seriously, there is a lot to be said for this kind of thing. I'm not trying to be sentimental or depressive or anything of the sort, I'm merely saying that things are different with a good person by your side. Don't get me wrong here - I don't regret relieving my last girlfriend of her duties, in fact I know it was for the better but the things you give up when you are single are... well the situation is always arguable. I must make it clear that all of the things I am talking about about are not realitive to my last girlfriend but instead indigenous to a relationship on general. But yes, I've been thinking about this for a few days now and although I am aware of the fact that if you are not totally confident about these kinds of things and if you're not in a mood of splendor and euporia you do not get noticed by the people you want to get noticed by- I still am wrapped up in these thoughts. What is it that makes people want to get involved and such? I know for a fact that some people merely want to get involved because they see something they like and must own it. The only problem is that much like any other possession, once you have it for too long you grow tired and weary of it and so you throw it out and get something else - something which appears to be bigger and better (though I'm convinced that size doesn't matter.) Point is that the people who operate under this method and are unaware of it are setting themselves up for certain destruction -this is not what is was meant to be like. So the quesiton remains, what was it meant to be like? I have no clear cut answer for you, in fact no one out thses does. All we have are a handful of assumptions and guesses which are motivated and dicated by our own instincts and perseptions of what is correct and not so correct. I know that these is a special feeling you can get from love - one which many would kill for and other would die to uphold and hang onto. Perhaps the loveliness can be found in what need/want a relationship satisfies. Well firstly it satisfies the need of beloning, understanding, acceptance. But all of this can be acheived through a regular friendship... well, in the ones I've had anyway. So what is it that makes a relationship different from a frienship; from this we can get to why it is so darn good. Is it the fact that it's the same feelings except it goes beyond those of a friendship? Possibly, but I'm not convinced that this be the partially the truth, let alone the situation in it's entirty. Could it be a security thing? Security or lack there of has been known to be situations whereby the motive was security purposes; is it possible that this whole love things is mostly due to our need to feel as secure as possible? Truth is that sometimes in a relationship we are more vulnerable then safe so how accurate is this conclusion. The answer is that it isn't. The fact of the matter is that Love simple completes us.. or at least gives us the illusion of completion. Problem is that because ever individual is just that - an individual, there is no set percentages of what love does to us and how it fulfills being "love". The only way to describe it is as completion of who we are; meeting our other/ better half. Something to that effect though I suspect that the truth is that one isn't necesarily better then the other - truth is that they can be both the same percentages of good and bad - just that it's spread across different areas and thus once put together they form one whole. Kinda crazy that humans were designed and developed to be self sufficent but no matter how much we can rely on ourselves due to the resources made readily avaliable, we still need at least one other person to complete us and in that sense we are not self sufficent. Some of you out there are curious as to how this is still different than a friendship and the answer to this is simple. It is that fact that yes, friends do in some regards complete us the only problem is that we don't have the benefit and security of knowing that they'll always be there for us, beside us, through it all. And yes chances are that we'll change our boyfriends/ girlfriends more then we do our friends, problem is that there's no intimte bond to infuse and act as a catalyst for a quick discovery of personality and selves. Perhaps that's what can sometimes lead to the negitive ends... but who am I to say? Point being that at the time of "love" we are convinced that this'll last for awhile, or at least long enough to get us through whatever it is that's bothering us. Point is that it may appear more permanent though it may not and it is because of this illusion that we put more into it, expect more out of it but get hurt about the same compared to a friendship. So the gist of it is that we mess ourselves up but eventually as we age we mature and settle with things which are 'grand' by our own definition. It always seems to figure itself out and this just further proves the theory of fate, but that was a different argument from a different entry. The only thing about this illusion is to: 1 Be careful not to mistaken the truth for a mere illusion. 2 Be careful not to mistaken the illusions for the truth. The question is which one more damaging. With one option you loose your only love and you're stuck with settling for second best. On the other hand you're continually mistaking lust for love... you tell me which one is worse. Truly, -Captain B. Rebuild