I don't care what anybody says -assuming you're a band who doesn't rely on computer effects to create your music (I'm looking at you Our Lady Peace)- live versions of songs are always better than records. Today I had something of an epiphany and I'm not too sure how I should proceed. If by chance you think of a brilliant or even mediocre suggestion on how I should handle this, do let me know. Please. Thanks. So I was skipping school *chuckles* You'll later see the irony of this. At any rate, I was skipping school and on my way to lunch with an associate when I stop at a stoplight at Westney and Kingston Rd. I must tell you that previous to this, I was at the mall, in a music store to be exact and a kid no larger than five ran into me while I was searching for this CD [The light that guides you home.] I got the last copy. But that's irrelevant to the story. What is relevant is that when she ran into me, she looked up and called me "mister." if I keep this up, I'll never get to the apex, let alone the end. But since I'm here, I might as well tell you that this was the exact same song I was listening to when all of this went down.. or rather, when the event at the corner of Kingston and Westney happened. I don't know it is, but lately I've been feeling... well not down but, down. Before I was sure, I did the test which is: 1. Listen to Collective Soul - If I desire Pearl Jam, then move to Step two - If not, end test I'm fine 2. Listen to Pearl Jam - If lyrics to Nothingman, Betterman, Daughter AND Last Kiss hit home, proceed to Step three. - If not, end test, I'm borderline. 3. Might as well put on Blue Rodeo because I’m toast. Listen to them and just relax... this might take awhile. They're not a bad band, don't care what anyone says... I just can't listen to them when I'm in a happy mood. Not the kind of music you'd break out when you're hosting a St. Patty's Day party my friends. Follow? I guess you're wondering what the link between them and this is and the link is that A. I started listening to them Friday night and B. Jim is the lead singer of the band who also does solo work which after listening to them I felt compelled to get his CD... which is where the story began; in a music store. So, now that that's straightened out I guess we can get back to the story... ...Right. The story. I'm not particularly sure where my mind was before any of this happened but I am almost sure that I was somewhere in and around the point where I overlook my life and just see if things are the way they should be. So I come to a stop and there is a little girl, probably or seven, cute as a button and she's staring out of her window aimlessly. You know that look that little kids have on their face when they're eyes are looking around but you can tell that their mind is in a 1000 different places? That's the one. Well she looks down at me [she's riding shotgun in a 4x4] and for some reason I just smiled at her. She smiled back. Then I winked at her. She started to giggle like a... well, like a little girl. At this point the lights had turned green and her lane started to move ahead of mine. Now, I'm telling you what happened next not because I'm in need of a horn tooting or because I need to feel good about myself but because my next thought spawned a number of various thoughts and as I mentioned to one of my close friends, could very well alter my life if I let it. What's more is in retrospect to other aspects of my life, it makes sense. Not fifteen second after I started driving from that intersection only one sentence emerged from the fog in my mind and I see it as clearly as I see you now. For some reason I said to myself, "I have to make the world better for her." Then somehow between there and my friend's location I ended up thinking about my education [enter irony.] It's probably not a coincidence as even the most unreasonable person will agree from experience that the mind will relate occurrences to whatever is on a person's mind, or to a lesser extent, what may have been bothering said person earlier and/or has yet to be resolved. I started going over my life plan... but not the plan itself. See, plans are great but if you are so rigid in your plans that you can't go with the flow, everytime a wave comes along you'll end up screwed. The way I see it, nothing goes according to plan, but have a plan anyway so that every so often you can see just how far away life has carried you from where you wanted to be. Maybe you'll laugh, maybe you'll cry. It doesn't really matter so long as you're satisfied with the absolute moment - not the moment compared to others. So have a plan but make sure it's more of a guideline than a set of actual rules or else you'll surely find yourself shipwrecked and so desperate that you'll sign onto just about anyone's crew because you presently can't do better... even though you could. Now that I got that little sermon out of me, I shall return to what I was originally saying. I wasn't checking the steps or my progress. No. That would have been far too easy. Instead I was projecting which for all intents and purposes can be dangerous so unless you're a trained professional don't attempt it. I started thinking about what my goal will mean to me, a possible family and yes society. Not so much how society will view me. I imagine that anyone who does this and relates themselves to society are really attempting to gauge their impact on society for anything else would be a grueling task; at best. It was at this time that I started feeling like one of those damned undecided voters. The kind that are citizens of the states that the political advertisements are truly aimed at (because let's face it folks, Massachusetts is always going to be blue.) Anyway, we went to lunch and though I was in the middle of convincing her to switch her major, I myself was attempting to figure out if I should be in my major or not. I'm good at what I do... or rather, what I am on track to be doing but is this what I really want to be doing? Essentially I'll be making money by making more money for someone else. That's what it boils down to. I mean, it's pretty secure and financially I'd be able to make enough to carry a family AND make sure the wife wouldn't have to break her back working in a factory or retail... unless she wanted to. But the more I think about it, the more I realise what a useless trait it is. I mean sure you go back to the old days and there were small-time marketers and because prostitution I guess sales is also the world's oldest profession but just because there's a need doesn't mean that it's useful. Here's an example, I was poking around the military's website, checking for positions; essentially being able to become an officer if you specialise in something outside of the military. Turns out they need HR officers. Human Resources, probably the most dreaded department in the company other than Finance... and wouldn't you know it, the military even needs Finance officers! I'm almost sure that even the bloody Amish need a treasurer of some sort. I'd ask them but it's over an hour's drive to the nearest settlement so let me get back to you on that one. Marketing seems to have no external use, unless you're a manager in which case your managerial skills double as leadership skills. The way I see it, unless the military starts hiring externally for propaganda officers I'm screwed come draft time. But let's get serious here. You're a marketer, you're good at what you do but all you essentially do is sell things well. Ice to Eskimo’s right? Sure, and maybe once in awhile you have to compromise your values - who hasn't in their lifetime? I'm pretty sure we all have and if you're one of the virgin few, you're time is nigh. It's not the selling-out that bothers me. We all have ways of justifying it to ourselves. I suspect mine will be that I did it for little Abigail, Emily, Jane or whatever my little girl's name is *knocks wood.* The things we do for or kids eh? Which brings me back to that little giggling girl. The more I thought about it, my chosen profession will end up having no effect on her, or if it does, it'll probably be in a negative way because it'll cause her to buy either a product that kills herself or the money she spends on whatever product I'm selling should've been spent on something that would save her life. Sure the buck stops at the consumer and at the end of the day they have to bear responsibility for their choices - provided they are aware of their choices. What I'm having trouble settling with is that there is very little good that I can actually contribute to the world here. Even if I were to become a professor, all I'd be doing is arming the next generation of tobacco, drug, detergent shoe sellers. Sure, great, you're allowing someone else to provide for their future family while providing for your own but it seems as though it's filled with too much gray area ya know? How long can a man continuously cop-out before his character becomes void of value? Good actions add value to character, bad actions subtract value from character but gray actions do not add, nor do they subtract. Is a man who continuously adds the value of zero to his character for fear [or any other motivator] of subtraction a man at all? Much as we ask the question "how can you live with yourself?" of seemingly evil people, cannot the same question be asked of the person who does not attempt good actions for fear of failure and continuously cops-out with a gray action? Should not failure to contribute good automatically constitute as an evil? The only difference is that instead of asking "how can you live with yourself?" the question would look like this: "how can you live with yourself?" But now there is a word of caution. Or rather, a paragraph of caution. This assumes that your goal of 'good' is actually... well, good. Hitler, Stalin... well, I'm not sure about you but I'd be hard-pressed to consider all their goals and actions good. I mean, sure population control has to occur but I always thought a better resolution would have been to give the Irish condoms before 1988. Holy hell can they ever drop kids. Yeesh. Now I'm not saying that if I run for politics that I can prevent another world war or provide contraceptives for everyone (although in Canada, they are free at provincially run clinics located across almost every city.) What I am saying is that surely my 'good' can't be so far removed from what is perceived as good that I'll be hated throughout history... can it? I don't think I'm equipped to resolve this right now but I guess I have to be doing something right, they did vote me "most likely to change the world." *pours a glass of scotch and plays "Alcohol" by BNL* Here's to change. Please forgive me, - Captain B. Trying On Your Camisole