Have you ever had the feeling of complete and utter disgust with yourself? And I'm not talking about being disappointed in yourself either. I mean the kind of disgust whereby you're afraid to look yourself in the mirror for fear of who'll be standing there looking back at you? You know, everyday you walk through the halls, in the streets, wherever and people compliment you: your hair, your make-up, your style, your personality, but everynight when you go home and you look at yourself in the mirror, can you truly say "you know what, they're right.' For those of you folks out there who are extremely modest and'll never ever admit to being as pretty or as bright as you truly are - this one is not meant for you. For those of you who think that you might not be working up to your potential and don't see what other see; stick around for the show. We've got a total of approximately eighty years on this earth and yet somehow we can't seem to agree on the little things, like just who or what we are. Now, I'm not saying that each and every single one of us lives a lie, though some of us do - and that can be perhaps just as dangerous as being truly who are are 100% of the times- which is just about impossible for humans based on the sole fact that we have a tendancy to defend ourselves. Meaning that we adapt, change or become whatever/ whoever we have to do ensure self-preservation. But getting back to the topic for the day, what I was talking about back there was the fact that others see things in us that we may never be able to see and think we may never be able to live up to. And it's the truth because like it or not, we're all somebody's son/ somebody's daughter; friend, best friend, and although it may never be verbalized, there are a certain degree of hopes and thus, expectations that we all have. Do we choose to live up to them? No, not always, but if it's one thing that I've learnt about mst humans, it's that our past haunts us. No matter how much we hide it, never say it or show it - it haunts us. You can try to convince me until the sun burns out/ implodes/ explodes and I'll never buy it. It haunts us, it tracks us down (though it need not go very far) and adds baggage. Remember how I paralleled regret and guilt as bricks? Same with most of our past. Even if it acts as a teacher we walk around with a teacher on our backs; and there's no stopping it - no letting it off and saying "oh, alright, ride's over - come on, move on out." none of that. All of this will come into play two paragraphs from now, I promise. Now, I want you to answer me honestly here. answer in your head and just think to yourself for a moment in time. When you're in school, at work, roaming the streets when you see something, say a cat your eyes take it in, your brain identifies it as a cat and you recognize that it's a cat, right? Right. But what also happens is that you associate that object with other things. Your brain says it's a cat and you associate it with maybe: dog, mouse, meow mix, your uncles cat 'Fluffy', Garfield etc. etc. So when you're walking down the street and you come across one of your friends, your eyes pick him/ her up, your brain reads the image as "Julie" and than you subconsciously (or perhaps conciously) relate her to something. Maybe the baseball team you were on, or the time you and her both kissed Frank at the same time, whatever it may be, you associate. We do it everyday. I say the word blue - just blue and some of you picture water; others, the sky; and for a select few, maybe a blue pen. But I just stated a word that happened to be a colour. How on earth did you come up with a pen or water. It's association folks and if for some reason you want to debte that with me we can go up the road together sometime. So remembering all of this that I just said (here's where it all comes together) When you look at yourself in the mirror, your brain picks up the image of yourself and says that it's you, but what do you associate yourself to? Qualities, past experiences, aspirations maybe. It could be anything at all and the bad part is that some of us only associate ourselves with the negitive. "Oh, the time I" or that "I'll never be able to ..." For some it's a matter of guilt. Whether it be necessary or not at all needed is yet to be seen, but for others (who are not mentally ill) it is a problem. Fixable, but a problem nonetheless. Think about it though - what if everytime you look at yourself you thought of the girl you could never get, or the last mistake you made because that's all you can see yourself as - is a mistake. Now I know this is starting to sound more and more like a pep. talk for people with low self-esteem. And maybe it is, maybe it works for both that purpose and what I'm trying to set-up here, but one thing is for sure and that's the fact that someone will read it and if throughout the entire course of this journal writing bit I can assist, change or better a person than it was all worth it in the end. But anyway getting back to what I was saying before I so rudely interupted myself. How is it that we can only see the bad things when we walk up to the mirror and look back at ourselves in the eye; straight in the eye. Why is it that we never see the guy who made some girl happy for seven months, or the girl who possibly made the difference. Hmm? Maybe if we stopped being so hard on ourselves and continually believing that we ought to be perfect and good, 100% of the time than we wouldn't look so hardly upon our downfalls and maybe a little more joyous when we actually accomplish something. Afterall, we are only human - we're designed with flaws for the intention of ... what was that intention again? No-one can ever seem to agree on that one. But we all can agree that we're not perfect and what if we actually took that and instead of using it as some stubborn defence for when we screw-up, why not apply it to when we do succeed, saying "I'm not perfect, but look at what I was able to do." Now, some would argue that it's extremely difficult to say that seeing as everything must balance out in the universe; For every good thing that happens to me, something bad must occur. Could be true - I've seen it before but here's the real ticker for ya. If things must always balance our than why does it always appear as though things are so bad? If the good and the bad are equal than how is it that we can only look upon the bad and not the good... Answer is simple: we love tragedy and misfortunes, even if it's our own. Some look at it as a way to better themselves but truly, they're kicking themselves just as much as you or I would; only they're showing it a lot better and are trying ot be opimistic about the bloody situation they found themselves in. Afterall, "There's no news, like bad news." Right? So here, I offer up a challange- but only because I know all of you who actually read my senseless thoughts won't take it to an extreme. Here's what I say you do. Get a mirror and look at yourself once. and than see what comes to your mind. Not necessarily physically, but associatively. Don't be so damn literal and say "oh, blue eyes comes to mind when I look at myself in the eye." If you're going to be a smart-arse, than don't even bother. Just see what you think about yourself and ask two things 1. Could I have thought something better? 2. Did I only think something good because I just finished reading the Captain's journal? Riddle me that and we'll see what the tides washes ashore. Reflectively yours, -Captain B. Mirroring