Yesterday... It was a good day for me. Not particularly productive, but enough time to get just enough done; no temper flares to be controlled, no negative thoughts to be repressed. Just me and my thoughts. Went for a walk, but I had to use my car to get there. I officially recognized that things weren't so peachy in my little corner of the globe because I had to drive to the outskirts of town to be able to see the same stars I use to be able to see not three years ago. Couldn't park it on the side of the dirt road anymore either, mainly because the dirt road no longer existed. It's paved for kilometres heading east and so I was forced to illegally park on a side-street of an area designated for newly developed housing. Walked westward, over the concrete bridge, and realized that this use to be the only part of the road that was paved due to the under-running ravine. And you know, it always struck me as odd because there was never an explicable reason as to where the water came from, no distinguishable source. Hell, it wasn't even a run-off, but it was always there; and always on the move. It was then that I thought back to a time when I almost told an old lover that I loved her for the first time on that very bridge. Almost. She's got a new boyfriend. That'll be number two since she was single and seeing me. I hope she's happier with him than she was with her last boyfriend 'cause she seemed a little miserable. Well, at least the bridge stayed the same... I'll always have the bridge. Headed back east past my vehicle, which from the main road, a blindman could see it was illegally parked. I stumbled upon a stretched out piece of land in the form of a single step which overlooked the road, and so I sat there and stared at as many passing vehicles as possible. With each automobile, I thought about each person. I mean really thought. Not just, what was their name, where were they from &c. Things like, where were they going, and would they actually make it there? Why in such a hurry? Are they as alone as me tonight? That must be one hell of a song for all of that drumming you're doing. Will he stay the night? Why is she coming home so early? I never made up a story for each person, that just seemed absurd. These were strictly questions I thought of asking them as some whizzed and other seemingly crawled by my station. They call it Zen Green tea and after an hour, it still became bitter and distasteful, not entirely due to the fact that it was cooled it to a temperature no respectable tea should be drank at... drunk at. I guess too much of anything in life really is unpalatable eh. I layed back with my feet hanging off the edge of the earthly mound, and I'm pretty sure that from the road, it looked like someone had ditched a dead body. Not that anyone stopped, or even noticed for that matter. I looked up and for some reason the stars just didn't seem to provide the same comfort as they usually do. Might have been the cold tea in my hands, or the fact that even though I wanted this time for myself, I generally share the sky with someone else and yesternight... yesternight just didn't feel right. I was alone. It was me, an open field and that damned chilling Janurary wind. You know, the one you only seem to notice when it answers your the question 'could this get any worse' with a breeze that rushes over your face at wind-burn speed. Yea, that's the one I'm talking about. And I sat there, looking at the stars, which were mostly satellites and thought about all of the things I didn't want to think about in the last month. It didn't have to immediately come to me why I was doing it... the fact was that I did. Walking back to the vehicle, drinking the same tea I had cursed not two hours earlier I felt a little guilty as I reminded myself that there was a minimum $5,000 fine for dumping near the bridge. But as they saying goes, 'never do it in your own backyard.' "We rode across that bridge all night we talked our way through city lights traced all the lines, we're killing time under those buzzing signs from downtown to anywhere but here tonight, yeah, I swear to these rooftops and just hoped that car would never stop And I swear it's the last time and I swear it's my last try and we'll walk in circles around this whole block walk on the cracks of the same old sidewalks and we'll talk about leaving town and we'll talk about leaving I swear it's the last time and I swear it's my last try We drove around this place all night past closed signs and familiar sights we're moving by, passing time counting those center lines with 20,000 lines left to go that lead to somewhere I don't know it might be the time that we leave this all behind" Today... Well, I'm sitting on the cold, possibly damp grass of my campus watching a pond.... simply staring at it. I can't say that I'm staring at a simple pond for the pond is currently filled with Canadian Geese and in a way, I can relate to their somewhat self-induced troubles. I think we all can. See, what they do is, they put their head down with the intention of cleaning themselves, or another menial task, only to throw themselves off-balance, resulting in a desperate frolicking in the water to save their own skin. It's almost humourus to see the same goose fall victim to his/her own stupidity - but only for a moment, only until I realize how much like us that creature really is. Of course, we have the ability to reason on a higher plain, and our interactions, relationships and thoughts are more complex than our bird-brained brethern, but, as mighty as we are, it would appear as though, more oft than not, the outcome of our great rationale are not too different then the instinctive nature of these geese. Naturally, our predicaments are more intricate and force us to yearn for a simple fix, whereby all the pain and injury would be replaced by the calm generally associated with the aftermath. And what always amazes me is that despiie our vast capabilities to employ logic, despite our ability to remember prior events [regarding ourselves or others] we never escape the disposition towards short-sightedness our very real tendency to never think past phase one; or even imagine the possibility of there existing real consequences beyond stage one. Now don't get me wrong folks, I'm not implying that we make all of our choices through instinct/impulse, and thereby voiding any manner of thought and contemplation which seemingly keeps us up at night. What I am getting at though, is that perhaps for some... possibly many/most people, the onus is on logic and reason to convince the person not to follow through with what would appear to be actions concocted, driven and reinforced by human nature. If you were to think about it, our inclination is to favor what seems profitable to us; either through pleasure, stimulation, security, well-being &c. That being the case, any action implied by reason being contrary to the motive of self-preservation (through profitability) must be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt within the psyche of these people. And truly I ask you, who would give up immediate well-being if it meant a shot - not even a guarantee - at an incrementally higher state of well-being in the distant future? Would you not be inclined to take what you can now and concern yourself with the future in the future? Afterall, it's not guaranteed either way, not to mention the fact that you may not even around to enjoy said incremental well being at said later date. And then my dear, when that immediate fulfillment gives an indication of turning ugly - as it always does, we splash around and sound off, either resulting in a recouping of ground, making the promise to never do that again, followed shortly by us throwing ourselves into another situation that is much the same but only different to ourselves and the people we can truly convince of that [generally feeble-minded friends] OR we sink to the bottom. Of course, that's followed by the general steps of blah blah blah and then, sometimes, they decide to get a blog, myspace or SitD. From my count, the birds seem to be doing better than us 'cause I've yet to see one sink. Granted, there are inherent difficulties to being so bound by logic, such as a loss of humanity, lack of emotion... all the small things in life. So moderation my friend; a synthesis of the two, not in your life, but in each situation that make up your life. Let's not be fools about this, we both know what'll work best for you; it's not that difficult if you just give it a chance... Please? You see, I can only take so much of this before something gives. Contrary to popular belief, I am but a man and my body doesn't carry me as far as it use to. I care, and you know I do, so won't you just try it... if not for yourself, than for me? Frolickingly, -Captain B. Sinking