It's been awhile since I've taken to the pen, but alas, I find yself driven back to the depths of my mind to create yet another entry. I'm sitting in an office, belonging to a doctor, in the middle of ChinaTown. As far as I can tell, so long as they keep me hopped up on T3's, I really don't care what they say is wrong with me. I mean, as long as I can't feel anything, the pain won't bother me, right? Actually, the pain won't even exist, so really, what pain? But I've realized that I've spent a good deal of my time here doing just that - not feeling. And this time I mean without the aid of medication. In my absence, I increasingly found that nothing makes me happy. Actually, I shouldn't say nothing because some things do, but everything else that I use to find joy in, I don't. The list has been narrowed down to the following: Newfie/Celtic music and Big-Band/Swing music. All other forms of music fly in one ear and out the other and, like I pointed out earlier, everything else I use to find refuge in, I can't. Friends, talking, listening, writing... even my vices which use to provide at least some form of relief for a short period of time do nothing for me. It would appear as though the so-called rock-solid foundation I built everything upon will no longer support me for as long of a period as I had hoped. I'm thinking of a number between one and 15, can you tell me what it is? The answer is 37 Seriously, I need a hobby. Something I can be passionate about, something that I can identify with and something that will assist in the creation of self-actualization and self-understanding. I think maybe I'll take up the fiddle again, maybe swing dancing? Truly, I can't keep on doing this - whatever this is. Seems to me that every six months or so I end up losing myself and having to tear off yet another band-aid because of it's over-used and has never been replaced. Not as if the wounds are any better - they're just not as identifiable, nor the weapon of choice. Who knew that facing your own humanity could be such a grueling task? Part of the problem is that I have no-one. No offence to any of you, 'cause I don't mean it in that sense of the term. Maybe I should clarify. Recently, it became abundantly clear to myself that I had placed a great deal of care and time into a friendship in lieu of having a real relationship. That said, when said friendship began to break down due to distance, wear and tear, I began breaking down because I had no-one. I had no single friend to care about, just a large friend-base where nobody stood out or had the criteria for the top spot. I realze now the err of my ways, in so much that certain priorities shouldn't be masked by other like priorities... if that made any sense. It's just that lately I've been concerned about what I'm really here for. No-one to willfully care for - no goodfriend, no girlfriend so what's it all really worth? Not that I'm thinking about suicide - no, no, no. As Hume put it, " I believe no man has ever thrown away his life while it was still worth living." And mine is still worth lving, it really is. Why would you pay admission and not actually see the feature film? Nobody pays for the previews and I'm sure as hell hanging around to see how this one ends, savvy? In other news, I get to attend another prom this year. Turns out that one of my associates couldn't find a respectable, dancable, non-boyfriend material date who also happens to get along with her friends, so we decided thatI was the best substitute. Committee decision really. Just a matter of wearing a suit, or a tux... I'll tlak to her about it. Something tells me that there's going to be some kind of pink in this one. I can feel it. Also, I had to sign my life away to the school so that they'd let me come. I was surprised that they didn't ask for a CPIC printout, but I suspect that the school board will foot that bill, which means that I (through my taxes) will end up paying for it anyway. Gotta love the sytem eh? Speaking of payment, I really owe you all some kind of update as to what's been going on. I don't know about you, but I was expectng some kind of huge occurance that would shock, rock and otherwise stun my world, sut sadly I cannot provide you with a great tale of love, loss, great sacrifice, explosions or tricks. That is, unless I make it up . But I won't. I got ill, recovered, grew more facial hair, got new specs, got told that I look/act/speak too much like my father and I can now drink anywhere within this great land of mine, and in fact in most of the world, save the USA, but I bet I might be able to pass. Let's see, spent $68.00 in order to get my heart broken and, perhaps most importantly I can rightfully say "That's the second time I've had to watch that man sail away with my ship." Except change the words 'sail away with' to 'whisk' and 'ship' to 'girl.' I had to face her this weekend, I got a half-hearted "sorry" for my troubles, but at least she apologized. Come on, work with me people. On the upside, I no longer have to attempt to see if our old relationship is reconcilable. I realize that it isn't, despite what I use to... no, despite what I still feel for her. The Captain - 1; Lonliness - 37 "...And still I have the pain I have to carry A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried After all this time I never thought we'd be here Never thought we'd be here When my love for you was blind But I couldn't make you see it Couldn't make you see it That I loved you more than you'll ever know A part of me died when I let you go." That looks about right to me. I'm done here, so maybe you can amuse yourself somewhere else, 'cause this it's not looking as though this year is going to be a good one. Sorry to dissapoint, again. Disarrayed, -Captain B. Twisting the Knife