Hello, hello, hello, Decided that since school is starting to wind down (I only have three more official days) that I'll have to start to get more involved in the network. I know I won't be able to pump out entries of the same caliber as before, but I think I'm past due... that plus December through to Feburary is generally a good first quarter for me (and yes it does work out that way because I started in December, so outlooks are relative to that - let's keep in mind that there's a fiscal quarter and a company fiscal quarter folks.) “I could hardly believe it when I heard the news today I had to come and get it straight from you They said you were leaving, someone swept your heart away From the look upon your face I see it's true So tell me all about it, tell me 'bout the plans you're makin' Then tell me one thing more before I go Chorus: Tell me how am I supposed to live without you Now that I've been lovin' you so long How am I supposed to live without you And how am I supposed to carry on When all that I've been livin' for is gone Didn't come here for cryin', didn't come here to break down It's just a dream of mine is comin' to an end How can I blame you when I built my world around The hope that one day we'd be so much more than friends And I don't wanna know the price I'm gonna pay for dreamin' I need you know, it's more than I can take And I don't wanna know the price I'm gonna pay for dreamin' Now that your dream has come true Tell me how am I supposed to live without you” I'm not necessarily sure that there's a whole lot for me to say, and the funny thing is that now that I think about it, I generally wind up saying that in every entry and somehow produce a larger entry than even I really expected. Funny how that works eh? End up with something far beyond your expectations... now if only we could somehow get that to translate into real life more often people may not hold such pessimistic views on things. Well, I had an exam today, it went alright and I won't lie, I need a decent mark in this course as an insurance against the damage in two of my other classes. On the up side, I've got an additional three classes next semester to balance out my overall yearly GPA if anything should go awry. I got this planned out so I can't really be disappointed. Year one, aim mid-level and every year gain ground as you muddle through... kinda life a battle plan, only for my grades - just leave it to me to put things in an awkward perspective. And even though I know what I need in order to properly navigate through, I'll screw it up as per usual. At the end of the day, it's all water under the bridge anyway, so whatever. Think I can pull off an 80-85 twice? And that'll just get me a B+ standing. Well, I still have two weeks to swallow all of what's left in two courses. Mmm Mmm Good! In other news, I just did this handwritting analysis thing. I'm not much of a handwriter, but I won't lie to ya, it basically nailed me in regards to personality traits and various lifes happenings... a good portion of the analysis was contradictory to another portion, but that's what made it as accurate as a... Hmm... as something very accurate. There's not a whole lot you can do to skew the results, other than change your style of writing... but why would you do that when you wouldn't be able to find out just how right it is about you? Strikes me as funny how we all go into these kinds of things not necessarily wanting to test ourselves or necessarily discover something about ourselves, but instead we do it to test the test. I mean, seriously here folks, if they said something nasty about you that you didn't agree with, you'd say that it was wrong, but maybe you just don't have a rational self-identity, know what I mean? Of course you wouldn't know it, but it would be the truth. I mean, we don't allow these things to change our lives or enlighten us in any way, shape or form, and granted we usually participate for entertainment purposes only, but the fact remains that we sometimes put a lot into these tests only to brush it aside once it's all said and done. Oh I laugh; how I laugh. And by the way, here's the address if your interested: http://www.handwritingwizard.com You know, I've still got to return a book to the library. I've got a nine dollar, now probably over eleven dollar debt with the library. I know that one day they'll try collect it, but truth be told, I don't have ten dollars to spare for them. Of course, they get you because the card expires, so come 2017, I'll have to make good on the payments, or just jump ship to a new township and get a new card. Could be fun, afterall, they don't have my license or anything else to swear out a warrant, track me down and/or send in the swat team. Could be fun, but probably wouldn't be, so I don't know what I'm talking about. What else is new though? I started writing this awhile ago, and lost interest very quickly. Might have to do with the song I was listening to. Originally it was "Hey Jealousy" by Gin Blossoms, but for some reason me and Michael seem to have a connection so here we go with whereever this regained interest leads me tonight. Self realizatoin here, courtesy one of my friends yesterday. I may have been so wound up, trying to get a chance with someone that I may have simply shut myself out all together. It's been over a year now, about thirteen months since my last relationship or any sort. I guess I've been working so hard to impress said girl that, maybe I have noone to blame but myself for being out for so long. But I've chosen to decide that I did this on my own whim, and that it wasn't merely a seemingly arbitrary occurance. I know that sometimes we try to bring reasons to our actions to make it appear as though we didn't blindly lead ourself astray so that we feel better about ourselves, but I can actually see how this one played out. I've coupled the previous theory with the idea that I did it to protect myself. I'll put it to you like this. Even though I hoped that things would change between her and I, I always knew that it wouldn't go beyond what we already had. So it begs the question, why did I then throw a year into if beforehand, I knew it wasn't going to fly. It's a little like Pascal's wager - only with relationships: I could have not put effort into this and missed the chance. I could have not put effort into this and there be no chance. I could have put effort into this and acknowledge the chance. I could have put effort into this and there be no chance to acknowledge. At least by putting in the time, I'm no worse off because at least I know, and have a 50/50 shot at it. And I didn't exactly plan this one out in my head - in all honesty, I think that the only reason for me actually doing this was because it made it seem to, myself at least, that I was still in the game - still on the level. But the real truth folks is that in an extended momentary lapse of judgement, it was just that- an effort to convince myself, and in doing so, once I realized the safety switch that was triggered, I'm left in disarray as to where to go from here. I've figured out the puzzle, and why it occurred but how does one proceed? I mean, keep her a friend, sure. But attempt to get back in there and make heads/tails of it all? Lord knows I've had enough down-time to collect myself... Upon thinking about it, it's amazing how keeping your focus on one thing for an extended period of time allows you the opportunity to eventually settle and put to rest the real issues that you had to sort through, sometimes even without you noticing what you're really doing. So now that the illusion has been illuminated, do we just jump in head first and hope for the best? I suppose the previously exemplified principle can be applied here, but it's not that cut and dry. In the previous case, we had the support of the factor pertaining to the for distraction and an unattainable goal. Now, well now things are getting a little more serious. I mean I'm almost nineteen now and before you now it I'll be in my mid twenties (23.37-26.5) and I can't say that I'm starting to think THE big picture as of yet, but I'm seriously thinking about a bigger picture than I was say three years ago. I guess it happens to us all, but technically here folks, do we just date or pleasure or for long-term possibilities? I guess that's part of where the differences in people come into play. I mean, some people say that they're looking for 'a long-term,' when in actuality they're really looking for is what I like to call "a short-sighted long-term." I wouldn't say that I'm scared of commitment in the traditional sense, what I'm afraid of is not finding someone to have that commitment with. Ha! I guess the trick is to not paint yourself into a situation where you have to just settle for whatever comes along and looks 'alright,' because your biological clock is ticking away like a freakin' timed bomb. They all say that we're young, and that we have our whole lives ahead of us, but by the time they were our age, they were soon to be, if not already married. And what is it that we're so young that we need to do before we get hitched? Let me guess, go travelling 'see the world!' Righto, sorry, but my world is right here and although there's value in the idea, compared to what I could do with the money at this age, I'll leave it in the bank and put it towards a house a few years down the road. Wouldn't it make more sense to do all of that after things are taken care of - towards the end of the line, not in the middle when I am actually able to provide for myself and potentially a family? Whats your rush they say, the world's a scary place so save yourself. I'm not sure which world people come from, but nowadays youth start to incur personal debt at a relatively young age and because there's not a whole lot of poverty here, kids have to learn about the value of money through a j-o-b. So I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but the innocence of responsibility started to wear off at about the age of 15 for most of us. What our rush? How about actually doing something with ourselves, living the real life: job, family, mortgage/rent, bills... sure it's not glorious but it's reality, it's how most of our bloody lives'll play out so why not get use to it while we can... like playing an instrument really. Do I personally resent it? Not for a moment. It's the way it has to be, that is, unless one should decide to do things differently. But chances are that that's what I'll end up with, so how much sense does it make to continue to put it off? Why and to what end. Remember folks, for a good portion of your existence, that will be the meaning of life, so why avoid it or put it off to do something else? Responsibility won't and doesn't kill people, and maybe some of the older folks think that they missed out on something by starting out so young, but let me tell ya, there's a lot to be said for muddling through things together, as a couple. Sure they may have not had it all, but we're the products of that and are we worse off because of it? Chances are that if you're reading this, you're the children of the working and/or middle class so you tell me, just how bad did we do with not having it all? I'd say overall, we did pretty damn good. But what do I know? Or should I say, what do they know? They tell us to wait 'til we're older, don't rush into things because they want better for us than what they had, but are they sure that it'll work out that way afterall, all they know are the results of the way they did things - what they don't tell you is that they're assuming that the alternative is better. Take a look around at the average new marriages and you tell me if it's any better or worse. In terms of possession and wealth, they're probably better off, but let's see if the relationship and that cumulative wealth can last over the seven year mark. Good luck with that one folks. I guess some people are cut out for different things. As for me, I've always been the anti-thesis of Peter-Pan. It wasn't so much the boy who couldn't grow up as much as it was the boy who couldn't stop growing up for me. I guess I sound a little crazy, but drop me in the middle of the action and I'll perform just fine. I say let's get this show on the road folks, because if you're not gaining ground you're more-than-likely lossing it somewhere and I don't know about you, but opportunity's never been a constant friend of mine, thus the time to act will be at hand sooner than you think. Awaiting Orders, - Captain B. Edified