Hello. I can't say that I'm in the most pleasnt of moods today, I left school with a displeased feeling on my shoulders... Have you ever just wanted to take a moment, and box it? I mean, yes photographs are great and VRD's are... well, to be honest they can be intrusive at times, but I mean, just take take that moment, box it, frame it, gift wrap it and put it up on the shelf where you can revisit it @ anytime you want? I know you have -we all have. If you haven't then you're lying to me, but more importantly, yourself and trust me my friend, that's not cool. I don't care whether it was the funniest damn joke you ever heard, your first kiss or even the look on someone's face - you've had things like that go down. I know I just did; I've had so many of them that it's not even funny. I guess it's like today when someone asked me if I like long walks along the beach and candle light dinners and when I answered yes some of them looked at me like I had five heads. I honestly do though. You can't forget that you're human and as such you're subject to certain emotions... The trick is to just supress them whenever necessary. Unfortuante for me, that's on an hourly basis. Though not a lot of people would believe it, I am really a dreamer, a wonderer. If you ask any one of my friends to use A (as in one) word to describe me I bet you my pay check that I could come up with a list no bigger then 7 words that would match all of their reponses. And I bet you not one of them would be "dreamer" or "wisher" or anything like that. Now you guys here, you're seeing a side of me I wouldn't even show my own mother. You guys get to see one of the sides of me I usually never show, keep tucked up under my hat or close to the vest. Not to say that what everyone else see in me everyday is a lie - not at all. I am a logical person, I will not contest to that - but I am a lot more then just that and what one of the sad things is that I probably won't show it (or so I'm told.) Well, I do show it, but only to people I don't know; you guys. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore you guys and it's the fact that you've been so welcoming and accepting and open with me here is why I actually remain this way. I guess it's really therapeutic in a sense, get to throw out some of my thoughts that I would never, ever say to anyone (particularly my mother.) I'm not going to lie to you, I don't always put everything out there - I do hold back. In fact I hold back more then I actually say at times, but as they say: Secrets are the depths of life while variety is the spice of. And sometimes well, sometimes it's just a lack of words at the time that cause me to hold back. At other times, it's just a matter of...[Dare I say it]... pride. I know; I'm never too old for anything but sometimes... well, I learned a long time ago that there's one thing you should never take away from a man - one thing. You could take away his car, his house, his kids, his spouse but never, never, ever take away his pride. Personally it really doesn't matter much to me but at times I know that if I were to write things I'd sound like the bad guy all of a sudden (particularly if the situation is combined with the whole lack of right words.) But you know what...oh, who am I kidding, I'm not going to change. just yesterday I suggested to my friend that she shut up so that I can explain something to her because she was beating herself up (figuartively) and then yesternight as I started to watch t.v., I felt so god-damn awful. It felt like the time I made someone cry, only I didn't make her cry, she just brushed it off when I said it. And I didn't mean it in a bad way either, I just wanted her to hear me so that she'd stop being so hard on herself. I don't know, I guess maybe sometimes I can be too personal, particularly when it comes to her. I don't know, I just see so much in her and it breaks me to see it just be beaten up or burnt to nothing.But like I said, maybe there's nothing I can do? Maybe it's all in vain and the only thing that worrying is worth is to give you migraines... maybe. I know this much; at least I was able to pro-long her life and I hope to god that that wasn't in vain; she's one of the only people that I'd actually want to keep in touch with after I get out of here. She's fun and witty. Kinda insane like me and she makes for good company. I try to tell myself that we'll be able to stay in touch... ... There's still time though, I know there is, there has to be. Truly, Madly, Deeply, -Captain B. Wishing Upon a Star. Post Script - Yesterday's journal entry was just posted today, I usually hate doing things like that but I had no choice in the matter. So go ahead and comment, Though I doubt if many of you will...