Hello Readers, Unfortunately, for you, this entry wasn't prewritten, preplaned or preauthorized. It's coming straight from the desk of the captain as he is. I suppose that I'm just in one of those moods, I guess.I suppose no one really quite understands what the hell is going on right now, save Autumnstarlight as I am currently talking to her. As for the rest of you... well, you're nowhere to be found. Which is fine, I mean, we all have lives, right? And I know for some of you, I haven't bathed in awhile with ya - I'll try to get back on that. But none of it is the curent issue with me- none of it seems to matter quite as much as all the other rubbish going on in my life. None of it... I just can't seem to figure it out. I mean, as much as I want to, I just can't come to the conclusion of why things are the way they are, where I seemed to have stopped playing the game right and where I started playing it like a bloody fish in a tank; continuously smashing my head against the mirror glass sides. It seems that the real trick to figuring all of this out - everything basically, is to ride the wave, and only after you have ridden it, will you figure out why you are suppose to have rode it. Naturally, that's very little incentive o ride the wave of life at the beginning, afterall, who really wants to ride anything w/o knowledge of why or how? Right? Of course. But that's just it, we have to continually take leaps into what we think might be this, or might be that, but we haven't got a bloody clue about whats what. andwhat do we do to our children? We send the to school, make them join karate, ballet, piano lessons in the hopes of giving them a head start in life when we all know that none that of those things may never have a profound effect on the outcomes of their lives because, save education - but then even half of that is total garbage that'll never be useful or has been delivered to them Via a corrupted carrier. So we string them through all of these, hoping that it'll be of value when we know that the violin lessons and basketball teams won't mean shit all, save if they're caught in some awkward position whereby those skills may or may not come into play - but even that's a 1 in 500 chance as we ourselves have no idea what situations they, or the environment around them will get themselves into or when. Then, then we make our children, learn how to jump through hoops, how to please people because when it comes down to it: only the well-liked, partially hard working or the remotely intelligent get a head in life; but naturally intelligence disapates and we all get a little "winded," AKA lazy, from time to time. So it al falls back on being well-liked of course, and that's how you really get ahead in life. Look it over and show me ten not well-liked people who've gotten ahead and I'll show you ten million who need to be wel-liked. Is it a way to cover our inabilities and incapablities? You know it. We might as well teach them that if you can't/don't want to think, just smile and kiss-arse, because if you do, you'll get ahead, little Timmy. If it's not hte parents teaching thi, it's the teachers. But what more than that, is that we all end up doing this at some time or another; were all "sell-outs" to some extent, and if you don't think you are, I'm sorry - but you have sold out at some pointin your life and there's not much that can be done about it. And my heart breaks for you, it really does because I'm sure that he situation was tight and you did what you had to given the time. I know, I know. At any rate, we wander through life and are told by the people older than us that there is hope and that the meaning comes later in life. But does it really? Look at the people who're telling you this and ask if they're happy with themselves, if they realize it all and if they've found what it is that they've been lookng for? Chances are that they haven't and that they've all just dropped some of the quesitons that they never could get the answers too because it would have been too hard to reanalyze their entire life. God forbid everything that they thought was right was really wrong and that they have to actually do some work. Of course, this relates back to the fact that when we ar chidren, that's what we're taught. If you can't bet 'em, join 'em, cause when the going get tough, the tought get going, right? ha! They, we, all of us were never taught life lesson work-habits. We're taught acedemic and athletic ethics and magically, it's suppose to translate into life learning-ethics. That'll be the day. And why don't they yeach us that in school? We all know that it'll get us further in life and provide more closure than any amount of money, success or fame combined. I'll let you in on a little secret, but have to promise not to tell anyone. Promise? I'm not going to tell you unless you promise hun. Thank you. *lowers voice to a whisper* The secret is that they don't teach it because in today's world, no-one possess the ethic to teach it. Those who remotely appear to, don't and those who may potentially, can't articulate it. The truth is that they're scared to teach it because they don't want to be faced with students asking questions they can't answer because they themselves have no answers: at best they have a handful of dead philosophers teachings which less than ten percent of teachers can understand or potentially grasp. They're afraid of being challenged and afraid of students perhaps solving things that, at a their current middle aged status, can't even fathom. *resumes standard voice tone* The real trick to life is just that I guess. Forget about your intelligent and relentless questions and join the regular, media-driven, psyche destroying society because the answers will either take you a life-time to answer, steal from your experiences or at the end of the day IE your life, you'll realize that the questions to which you sought answers were really unintelligable to the average human being which, although you'd like to think otherwise, you are. And if you disagree, here's how you test yourself: Do you think that you, as a person are in some way/shape or form special/ unique or otherwise dfferent from your fellow man/ woman? If you answered yes - you're an average human being. If you answered no - you're an average human being. Here's how it works. The average human, at times realizes that he/she is just a small part of the masses, but also affirms that he'she makes a difference. The human condition makes it necessary for us affirm that we are unique - lord I hate that word - cause otherwse there would be no sense or purpose to live. But our rationale makes us accept the fact our uniqueness is limited to a conformation within society. It sounds like a less moronic version of the catholic ideal of free-will within the confines of predestination. And isn't that just the way it is. We have to constantly appeal to our logic and our psychological needs that we end up creating paradoxal statements and view points to please not juts everybody else, but ourselves. So again, we see our taught skill of appeasing others used against ourselves. We essentially lie. We lie to ourselves without even fully understanding but fully accepting the lies because "it's an answer," because we have to get to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow morning to live a life as much created buy the circumstances and our environment as it is made up in our brain. Of course, it's an answer! But is it THE solution? I think not. I think it's just a convenient way out of our life - a convenient way for us to appeal to our own senses, "yup, I;'ve thought about it and this is how it is." And the moment someone asks or inquires they're called a heritic or a shit-disturber - burned at the stake or crucified. And no, that was in no way a reference to the Christian Jesus Christ, I just think that the Romans were onto something with that form of capital punishment. All of the intelligent, legitimate pokers of fire I know are either dead or hv been reprimanded in some way, shape or form. So what's the point in trying when either way you'll either end up believing in the voices you make up and the visions you created while calling it revelation, or you'll have to dispose of your intelligence and the persuit of it because your inquires have been stiffled and fruitless? For Love? Perhaps. But even love is a wool people use as a shield for their failures and many short-comings in life. And then what does one do when the problem arises of you being in love and realizing that these questions are still left to be answered? Everyone involved ends up in heart-ache and requiring some form of treatment - mental, physical etc. etc. So what's the solution Watson? Perhaps a Love which thrives, manifests and encourages the persuit of questions, answers as well as intelligablity? Perhaps. But I've yet to encounter a love that doubles as both; generally A is a front for B, or vise-versa; both of which are a crude facsimilie of the original in which it is suppose to emulate. But perhaps there is a shread of hope in this feeling we call Love, though admittedly, it is a tight-rope walk. All lines thin were designed, not to be crossed, but instead to be treaded upon lightly. Forever Treading, -Captain B. Under The Bridge