Bonjour mon amis, The only real reason I have to feel bouncy is on account of the fact that the white stripes (although their beats are relatively the same and non-complex) it's kinda "dun-dun-dun-dun-bow,wow,wow,wow" I can't quite discribe it with words, but if I threw some onamatpedas at you in perosn then I'm pretty sure that you'd know what I was talking about. Right, but as I was saying - that's the only thing that's making me bouncy and thus happy. As you might be able to tell from my "Friday's" entry I'm kinda really messed in the head. Wow, what acontradiction of extremes - kinda really. I suppose that "kinda really" is, in actuality, equal to "somewhat" so henceforth I shall refer to "kinda really" as somewhat. So as I was saying before I was rudely interupted... by myself (wow that's a bloody shame) I was thinking about everythig going on and I think that perhaps the best thing for me to do is to just go for what it is that I've been wanting. And you want to know what the biggest problem about that solution is? The biggest problem is that I know - I know that I'll never be able to obtain it. Never ever because I'm just me and it's never going to happen; ever. I can say this and I can say that and blah blah, friggin blah, but there's no fesable way for me to go about getting anything of what I want. You ever know what it's like to want something for 2.5 years, see it obtained, and wasted by other people but never actually have the luxury orf getting a chance? Ever know what it's like to want sometehing for four years, see it obtained, used, aused, wasted by a handful of jackasses and even (unknowningly) one of your good friends but never EVER to obtain it? I'm reminded of a quote from "The Devils Advocate," at basically the end Al Pacino does almost a silioquy about god - only I'm taking this and applying it to life, here it is: "Let me give you a little inside information about [Life]. [Life] likes to watch. He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does He do, I swear for His own amusement, his own private, cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition. It's the goof of all time. Look but don't touch. Touch, but don't taste. Taste, don't swallow. Ahaha. And while you're jumpin' from one foot to the next, what is he doing? He's laughin' His sick, [freakin' arse] off. He's a tight-[arse]. He's a sadist. He's an absentee landlord..." If you ask me, the person(s) who put together the final scenes for the movie really payed a great deal of attention to the words and to human behaviour. That's one of my fav. ending scenes when it comes to a movie; the last song is pretty nice too; but that's another story for another day. The point I was trying ot get at with the above quote is that you're always so damn close to the thing you want, always just there - look, don't touch... taste don't swallow; that one is the ultimate killer; been there and done that. And I swear to you that I'm still fighting myself because I know the right thing to so was to not "swallow"... and I didn't. But some parts of me are still wondering, questioning the "what if"... What if captain, what if you had gone for it? What if you had done more then you did maybe you could have had what you wanted and things would have been honkey-dorey so to speak. But I know that It just would have happened and nothing more would have come of it. So the question is if things didn't change whether you did or didn't, then why didn't you? It's not as if you get points for being a gentleman - god for-fricken-bid. Why on earth so good guys finish first - of course not. You've got to hold out until the last possible moment and much like the stock market, sometimes... about half of the times, you end up loosing your shirt. Naturally there's nothing anyone can do, what is, simply what it is and there's no cure for it -none of it. We're here until our time is up or until someone, with some preconceived divine notion of what's justified and what's not justified decides to grant you what you want. Life - There's no way around it. And if you want to know the truth, I'm not angry - only dogs get angry. I'm not mad either - cause only cows get mad. I'm more just an observer who isn't too pleased with how things are going right now. Now, someone may be reading this and may just be thinking "oh well captain, the reason you may not be getting what it is that you want is because it's not the right time, it's not right for you, or because there's a greater purpose here." Well how the hell do you know that? I'll give you this - chances are that you're right and chances are that me getting these things will cause more harm then good but there are times when you'd prefer to just be fighting your way through these kinds of things; I know I would. And some of you are sitting there saying "oh yea, sure, whatever - if you got what you wanted and there was problems you'd be here complaining about that and not this." And you know - you're right, but sometimes, just sometimes it's better to do what you may have wanted to and br stuck in a less then pleasent situation, then to live the rest of your bloody life thinking "what if... what if." I swear those are the things that make us go nuts and drive us crazy, what if I did this, what if this happened - no straight answers because there are none to give; just... what if. Signed, -Captain B. Regrets