Haven't written in about a week and a half, so here I am, checking in as the usual ways go. Haven't been using the computer too much these days in all honesty, what with exams and all of the other things I will forego because to mention them would certainly give too much away. Anyway, I was sitting there in third period and it kinda struck me. Started thinking about things, just life in general... more of post-life to be exact and I really started wondering about it all. Not that whole heaven/ hell, is there an afterlife thing 'cause that is way to overplayed. I'm talking about when a person dies and what happens afterwards. And the more I got to think about everything that I've seen related to the topic, the more I found myself wondering about myself. I'll put it out there as a general thing but basically, when we die, what and who do you want to be remembered as? How do you want to be remembered? By default we tend to slap the sentimental good stuff as the memory of the person in question, because we've convinced ourselves that, by then, it would have been time to look back at all of the bad stuff. And I can accept that - I honesly can. But what does trouble me is what people remember and don't talk about. Will they remember you as that immature little fool, the arragont know-it-all, the person who always wore a smile perhaps? I seriously don't want people to remember me as the person who always wore a smile because I don't. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I do more stern looking than chuckling, smirking, sneering and snarling combined. But all that aside, how do you you think you'll be remembered? Honestly here, because the more I thought about it all, the more I realized that maybe I'm only putting myself out there in a way that suits me when I'm alive, and even at that, it's not exactly the best way possible. I mean, sure you can be polar opposites to different people, but what if you never are what you want to be to certain people. Don't get me wrong here, I don't mean "Oh, I'm not that person's best friend" or "oh, I'm not that person's confidente." I'm talking about just the way that they perceive you, and I'm talking about the people that you really care about. What if something was to happen (god forbid) and people just end up thinking that you were a cold jokitive person when deep down inside you actually had emotions? Hmm, than what Watson? Yea, I've been thinking about that kind of stuff. Not exactly the kind of thing to write home about, but perhaps important enough to write in my seemingly unimportant journal... diary...log... whatever the hell this damned thing is called. Certain things to everyone yet everything to no-one because it's just impossible. I don't mean that you don't mean the world to anyone, I mean that you are not everything (all of your characterisitic) to any one person. Remember, you can only see three sides of a cube at any given time. Which I can live with, but not meaning what you want to mean to certain people... being almost nothing to those certain people that mean the world to you; this I do no like and could do without. In essence, what I'm talking about, I guess, is a perfect world and seeing as we do not live in such a world it is up to us to decide which elements stay and which elements must disperse. However, in the sake of fairness, it is not totally understandable that others must suffer the consequences of our own stupid, selfish and down right unneccessary actions. I know that that is the cost of association, but sometimes these things are so unexpected and... ya. And why is it that they never have to deal with the aftermath when it is their fault? Now, if you're taken out by a bus or a bullet or even a pretzel, you know what, I can respect that - honest to goodness I can. But for all intesive purposes, others should not be suffering while you decided to skip out of all this rubbish. Maybe a little thought would have done some good - but who am I to judge? No one, that's who. So what makes all of this worth while? Why is this entry so relivant and accurate (perhaps inaccurate) and allowable and all of those other things that I'm too tired to think of? Wanna know for real? What makes me so god damned qualified on the matter is that fact that I have to put up with all of it and although I can't say that I've got the most objective POV in the house, you know, it hurts to see the people you care about the most be so hurt and know that there's not a damn thing you can do about it because the cause will never go away. These types of problems are the things that will live forever in the minds of those touched by it and the guilt and the pain and the "what if's" are the toughest thing to cope with for them, to the point where one begins to lose one's dignity for oneself. Ever try to deal with someone who's not willing to listen to the truth? And they know it's the truth, that's why we can call it the 'truth' and that's exactly why they don't listen. Ya, not exactly the easiest thing in the entire world. But there's more to this lovely story that I got wind of today, ah yes my friends, there is more - there's always more. I"ve got approximately one month to get my proposal together, check with the proper folks and then put forth my idea to the person. I started working on it yesterday while in between sleep and wake... figuring exactly what to start with and then what to move into, trying ot cover and plan for every contingency possible; well, almost contingency possible. I accept the fact that the answer may be "no," but the only problem is that I've yet to come up with an alternative plan; you know, that Plan B that you hope you never have to resort to because it's just as good as not even doing it? Yea, that plan - I'd go as far as attempting a Plan C, but I think one thing at a time would be the proper phrase here. Planning can be a good thing, but it's enough to make you pull out your hair 'cause the anticipation is more than you can imagine. So here we go into grade twelve and I'll be one wingman short. Christ, almost enough to make me want to leave myself, but I know I can't - I won't. Still though, I admit that the thought had crossed my mind a few times today, as impractical and infeasable as it may be. One month, geez... I know it seems like a long time and all, but when you factor in everything that'll be going on next month, well, you'd understand my impatience towards the matter. For those of you playing the home game, or now realizing that I sound like two different people from way up there to down here, you're right. Well, right in the sense that these are my thoughts for today and those were my thoughts from yesterday that I never got to post. Anyway, all that aside, I had a great day to be honest. Finished my last exam, cleared my locker, picked up my ISU from a class (a really good mark) drove around a bit with some folks, went to lunch with a folk and than came home after the noon hour... just wish I got to spend more time with people/ person(s)... person. *sigh* Doesn't really matter though... I guess it doesn't due to the fact that I'll forever be just me; no matter how cute or how much I can make said people - person laugh. You know, you never really truly appreciate a person until you sit down and eat with them. I'm serious, dead serious. What do I know though? These days I'm ujst masking my feelings with ramblings. If it's any consolation, I think I ran a red light this afternoon by accident. Ekk. Hope there weren't any of those stupid cameras around, but with my luck, there was. Take care of yourselves, -Captain B. Un-fortunate (as in unlucky)