Alright, so yesterday, I told my dad that I wasn't particularly Catholic... he seemed a little disturbed by it, but otherwise he didn't freak or flip out. I don't suspect he'll tell my mother as it would probably shatter her every thought of me. "On a sunday, on a Sunday." So let's see... I'm not positive that I really know what to talk about. I mean, this weekend was kind of a train wreak for me. Well, not a total train wereak - not a wreak at all in fact. I knew exactly what I was doing when I told him, I've been thinking about it lately... I've beent thinking about a lot of things; past, present and Future. I'm eighteen, in between jobs not sure what I'm doing with myself and above all, not liking a thing. Thought it would go away, but I can't, with confidence, say that things have been going the way I'd like them to be. It's funny, 'cause I thought about a lot of alternatives, a lot of options that I've opted against because... just because. Picked up my year book the other day. "Most likely to make a difference in the world" ?!? What are the chances? I barely have my head on straight, let alone saving the world from all evil. I just worry that one day if and/or when I grow up, these awkwardly articulated thoughts of mine will end up biting me in the arse because some bloody body will take a line, or perhaps fifteen and blow them totally out of context ruining my chances at anything societially great. I'll be lucky if I even get that far actually. But I continue for that reason, and that reason only - the pressure and the expectations that are thrusted upon me. Know what it's like to let someone down? multiply that by about a hundred. Yea, that's what I'm talking about. And I know what's coming next "don't do anything for someone else, because if they leave, you'll have no motivation and nothing to show for your efforts." But, I'm doing it for myself because I'm not in the business of letting people down, not accustomed to it, see. I'm doing it for the sense of fulfillment derived from adhering to my responsibilities. People need something real to believe in, someone to believe in and so as long as I can draw breath I intend on being that for whomever should require seeing someone like me - sans my inherent corruption... because we don't need anymore of that in the world, let me tell ya. Went to dinner the other night - good times. Realized that instead of being smooth and gentle that I'm probably better off getting her tipsy and then wooing her with various stories of... *ponders*... intrigue. Things seem to be going well with her and the boyfriend, which i'm really ecstatic about because she deserves happiness in her life - even if I'm not the one to provide it for her. Her birthday is in about a month, so I've got to think about what to get her; don't want to come off too strong or give a bad gift - don't you just hate bad gifters? More accurately, don't you hate being a bad gifter? I know I do. Anyway, so now that it seems as though things'll stay the way they are (consistancy can be such a disaster sometimes) I think I have to start looking around, looking elsewhere for a companion. But actually, I don't have to because just last week I was called the Lone Ranger by a friend of mine and it really got me thinking. It'll be a full year in about a month since my last relationship. I'm not only losing my touch, but I'm also losing my mind here. I can convince you to buy something you probably don't need, but I can't seem to sell myself to anyone (not even the wrong customers are interested.) So I gots to thinking about how life as the Lone Ranger would be... I'm still not totally convinced, but I can't say that certain aspects of it doesn't have it's appeal. Or think of Bond, James Bond. Never loses, saves the day, makes things go -BOOM-, gets the girl and never ruins his hair. Of course he's never been tied down really but there's only so much one man can ask for. Is there a price for greatness? Nobody, no matter how great or grand they are really has it all. But I mean, if realistically, I won't be able to actually get someone to settle down with, should I not just throw the balance of my efforts behind goals and tasks of grandeur that would otherwise be accomplishable? And please, spare me the pep talk folks 'cause I haven't really decided anything, and even if I do, it'll change as it feels necessary, even I can't necessarily control that (scary thought eh?) but I mean, doesn't it seem like a logical choice? I mean, what if you knew it was impossible for you to achieve something, would you not take that effort and direct it elsewhere? Technically we do it everyday. Example: We know that we're not immortal, and we know that we cannot obtain immortality so instead of that, we use our energy to other various things like carrers, kids, investments, etc. Want another? Some of us know that we won't become baseball stars because we don't feel we have it in us. But let's say that we do, some of us choose to sacrifice chasing that realty because we want to have a small-town life, or something like 18 kids, white picket fences and children who actually know us as and calls us "daddy." So we sacrifice; Trade-offs. Get use to it folks because that's the real definition of life. As for the meaning... I'm still working on that folks. I don't know much, but what I do know is that I'm slowly cornering myself into, well, a corner... and not the good kind either. People are starting to take their leave and I get a "Well done, good job but sorry ole boy, everything you've risked your life and limb for has changed." Not that it matters much, I'm able to live with the things that are going on... well, mostly. Not proud of all the things I've done, but I guess we all eventually get over it, or at least are presented with opportunities to right wrongs. Just don't try and correct the fact that you ate the last donut because that'll just create more problems and probably gross me out too *shudder* All the same, it's now October 28, meaning that I've waited 26 days to complete and post this entry. Some of it is no longer applicable, but that doesn't matter much though. Que sera. Ambiguously, - Captain B. Afloat