It's so strange how things can change. One day you can wake up and life is the same, and the next day you can wake up and everything is different. I don't even know where to start. I feel like I'm ready to let go of the past- and move onto the future. What exactly do I mean by past? What I've grown up with. Who I've grown up with. The town I grew up with. It's like everything that I've held onto has somewhat slipped from underneith me. Friends that I've shared my first drinks with, and a boy I've somehow kept in my life no matter what was going on with our relationship. It's almost as if all of this happening because there's something new, and better thats yet to come. These people that I'm moving on from don't deserve me in their lives. I deserve to be called beautiful instead of cute. I deserve to be appreciated. I deserve exactly what he can't give me. It's amazing that getting intimate with someone can draw such conclusions. I put him on a pedostle that he didn't even deserve to be on. He's not all I thought he was. It's amazing the kind of tricks your mind can play on you. It was all in my head. I deserve friends that aren't superficial. One day all the drinking and dating will come to an end. What do they have going for them? At this point I couldn't be anymore thankful to have another life out there. Another life that I'm ready to pick up again. It's time to end this chapter in my life and start a new one. I believe that my first year away at college was my transition sentence. Conclusion if you will. See you when you're 40.

It's pretty pathetic to think that Ant is "the one". I can't believe I even think that. How can someone who doesn't feel the way I feel for them be "the one" Come on Amanda, you are ridiculous. I went an entire year of not talking to him, and it didn't get me anywhere. I guess talking to him could change things. I think I just need to see him. Feelings will either increase or completely go away.

I truely believe that everything happens for a reason. It crazy, but one day it will all make sense. Maybe its starting to. I've realized that I need to stop hoping that he's going to come around and be with me. He's not going to come. Probaly ever. Tonight for the first time, I looked at myself in the mirror and I didn't see myself with him. I think I just need to let go. I think I am letting go. I don't even know if I want him in my life anymore. But I'm not angry. I understand. It's okay to not feel for someone the way they feel for you. I'm confident. I'm beautiful and I have so much to offer. He doesn't deserve that because he doesn't appreciate it. But it's okay. Maybe one day someone who will appreciate it will come along. Maybe not soon. Maybe tomorrow. Whenever he does come, it will be because he is supposed to come. It might sting sometimes because I do get lonely. I mean, come on, the last time I truely felt affection was at least a year ago. Drunken, sloppy hookups don't count. But hey, I having fun. I can only do this once. Above all, I know everything will be okay. I won't be alone all my life. If I'm the last to be married like I joke, I'll be the hottest bridesmaid and I'll be the life of the party at all my friends weddings. And I'm okay with that. I have myself. I'm smart, beautiful and I have a whole life ahead of me. I'm ready to take it on. By myself. For now.

You know, there comes a time in your life when you wonder when this will all be over. This thinking like a guy, this sheild. When will it be over?

I came to an epiphany tonight. I'm not going to be bitter and cynical anymore. You only live once, and if you get hurt along the way then you will only learn from it. I'm going to dive in, head first and see what happends. Cheers to new beginnings and a new outlook on life. I hope this feeling lasts <3

I honestly couldn't summarize how I feel about Anthony in a better way. Thanks again Kelly Clarkson for writing yet another song for me. I’m strong But I break I’m stubborn And I make plenty of mistakes Yeah I’m hard And life with me is never easy To figure out, to love I’m jaded but oh so lovely All you have to do is hold me And you’ll know and you’ll see just how sweet it can be If you’ll trust me, love me, let me Maybe, maybe Someday When we’re at the same place When we’re on the same road When it’s okay to hold my hand Without feeling lost Without all the excuses When it’s just because you love me, you let me, you need me Then maybe, maybe All you have to do is hold me And you’ll know and you’ll see just how sweet it can be If you’ll trust me, love me, let me Maybe, maybe I’m confusing as hell I’m north and south And I’ll probably never have it all figured out But what I know is I wasn’t meant to walk this world without you And I promise I’ll try Yeah I’m gonna try to give you every little part of me Every single detail you missed with your eyes Then maybe Maybe, yeah maybe One day We’ll meet again and you’ll need me, you’ll see me completely Every little bit Oh yeah maybe you’ll love me, you’ll love me then I don’t want to be tough And I don’t want to be proud I don’t need to be fixed and I certainly don’t need to be found I’m not lost I need to be loved I just need to be loved I just want to be loved by you and I won’t stop ‘cause I believe That maybe, yeah maybe Maybe, yeah maybe I should know better than to touch the fire twice But I’m thinking maybe, yeah maybe you might Maybe, love maybe HONESTLY, WHY CAN'T I GET OVER IT? IS IT KARMA OR SOMETHING?

To every BOY out there: It's pretty sad that I even have to write such a thing to empower girls and make them feel like they don't need you. This is the truth, however some girls are in love with love. They will sleep with you and give you whatever you want for the night in hopes that you will see her as more than just a one night stand. She would do anything to be in a relationship. She wants a relationship because she wants to be loved, she wants to be cared for, and she wants to feel beautiful. She wants you to look at her and think that she's the most beautiful girl in the world. It's you, the guy, that has screwed her up. It's the fathers, the exboyfriends and the on-night stands. Why do you have to break her heart? Did you see the girl she was before you? She smiled, she laughed, and she wasn't broken. You ruined her. You not only left her jaded when it comes to her falling in love, you left her jaded when her friends start to fall in love. She can't even focus on her own love life without getting hurt when she sees her closest friends hurt. She can't trust anyone. She can't trust you. And how dare you put up a fight and get angry when you are left to pick up the other guys' mess. She'll fall, if you're there, to catch her. And her walls might be up, but it just might take the right person to break them down. Open her door. Take her out to eat. Stay up late with her and talk to her. Stop being such a tool.

To every girl out there, including myself at times: Yes, I know that most boys out there are scum of the planet and most of them deserve to rot in hell. But boys aren't everything. There's a whole other life out there that has NOTHING to do with them. Girls these days will do anything to be in a relationship and aren't happy if they aren't in one. Make yourself happy before anyone else can. Relationships take work and compramise, and if you depend on someone else to make you happy then it's not going to work. I can't blame you though. Our childhood consisted of fairytales that our "prince charming" will come and sweep you off your feet. Beauty had her beast, cinderella had her prince and Barbie had her Ken. Well, these kinds of boys don't really exist in real life. At least not in college. All of them just want something that's easy for the night. It's hard enough to find a guy that will open a freaking car door for you. I mean, really? Don't settle. Don't let a boy treat you poorly just because you want to be in a relationship. You deserve nothing but the best. I know this is random, but I've just been noticing things like this lately. Be happy for all the wonderful things in life that don't consist of the opposite sex :) He'll come someday. We're in college. Have fun. You can only do this once in your life. You have the rest of your life to be with someone. <3

I don't understand why he still crosses my mind. I'm how many miles away? I'm how many months without seeing him? Talking to him? I just wish that stupid little piece of hope would go away. I just need to realize that nothing is going to happen. Part of me just wishes that one day he will realize what's been right in front of him for so long. I'd love him. I'd care for him. I'd be there for him. I would be his everything. And I would be happy. I AM happy. But I'd glow. Because I would be in love. With the one person that I've trusted for so long. Maybe one day he will end up waking up and realizing that we should be together. Maybe he's scared to realize how great it would be. Maybe one day I will end up waking up and realize that it wouldn't work. It couldn't work. He doesn't feel the same. I'm here. He's there. I've got a whole college life to live. I just wish I could share it with him. Je t'aimais, je t'aime, et je t'aimerais.

I just has a strange feeling come over me. I was looking at pictures from about a year ago, and I look so young. I feel like when I look back at that girl, I don't see the same person. That person I was looking at was young and fearless. Vibrant. You can see it in my eyes. I've grown so much older in a year. I've grown so jaded. Part of me wishes I could be that girl again. Another part of me has grown up. That's what your supposed to do. It's kinda tough getting older.

It's funny to think about how much my life has changed since I last wrote in here. My life is so different, yet so the same. I'm still the little girl who has her walls up. I guess I've finally been through enough to keep them up. I'm so jaded. I'm twenty years old and I'm as bitter and as cynical as a eighty year old man. People don't know that I hurt. I'm a happy girl, don't get me wrong, but for the last year and a half I've been on my own. Part of me tells myself that I'll only be able to have this much fun and make out with whoever I want once in my life. It sounds cheesy and degrading, but this is true. However another part of me just wants to be held and cared for. I want to be called beautiful instead of hot. I guess I just want the security that comes with having a boyfriend. I'm a relationship kind of girl. I feel like for the past year and a half I've sort of lost myself. I still know me, but it seems like for all this time I've just been blocking my true thoughts and feelings because I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to be lonely. I don't want to need anyone else. I'm so sick of fraternity guys. Ya, they are fun to hang out with and hook up with and get drunk with...but that's it. I sound so shallow. I really should write in here more often. I never talk about my feelings, and I think this is a good way to get them out.

Why is it that everything that was ever right seems to go wrong? Why is it that when I get out of a relationship already hard, that I somewhat get into another one and end up even more hurt than I was before? Why is it that the friends I've grown up with have somehow disappeared? Why is it that they don't even care? Why don't they understand me anymore? Why can't they just call? Why can't I just find a boy that doesn't screw me over? Why is it that I havn't been called beautiful in months, and it's making me feel ugly? Why is it that people to pretend to be my friends when they go behind my back and do some fucked up things? Why is it that I can't be happy single? Why is it that someone who calls you their best friend never, well, calls? Why is it that I always stress about money? Why is it that I get lazy and never want to go to school and study? Why is it that my parents made me stay here this year? When it's the worse possible thing they could have done... Why is it that everytime I look in the mirror I want to cry? Why is it that I think I'm fat, yet I keep eating? Why is it that I can't ever have what I want? Why is it that things never work out? Why is it that good things never happen to me? Why is it that cheer has slowly fallen apart? Why is it that I can't just be happy? there's a lot of people with worse situations... i'm just a greedy bitch. ...maybe not.

Some days are better than others. Some days I'm as high as a kite, and some days I'm so low I question why I'm still alive. It's been 3 months. 3 long, hard months. Why I'm still feeling this way, I have no idea. I'm a strong, strong girl. I've been through a lot. But at the same time, everything I've been through has made everything harder. I've always told myself each time a guy comes around that I'd guard myself. But something always gets me to fall. Come to think of it, I've barely ever protected myself. Now, whenever the thought of a boy comes to mind it's all negative. Not only with me, but with friends too. I don't want my friends to get hurt, and I'm always thinking negatively about their relationships because my hope for a "good guy" is gone. Ashley. Her boyfriend already told her he loves her. Part of me is happy for her, part of me is thinking that he told her this so he could have her. So that she wouldn't run and so he can do whatever he wants. Especially with other girls. When I think about relationships, I don't want one. I do want one, but I don't. The idea of getting to know someone, falling for someone, and then getting hurt seems so overrated. My walls are up, and this time they are cemented. No earthquake can break them.

After a break up DO NOT, i repeat, DO NOT go running to someone else. It won't do anything, chances are it will make things worse. You have yourself, and you are the one person that can get over it. Not anyone else. Always accept the truth and don't lie to yourself. It's worse than lying to others. Don't drink away your problems, it doesn't get you anywhere but rehab. If a guy is stupid and you get better grades than him, don't bother If he drives a truck, be careful with your heart. Boys with trucks can be bad, very bad. hmmmmm. I seriously need to take a break from guys for a little while. I'm still recouperating from Colt and it's seriously fucking everything up.

"One day you're going to wake up and realize how much you really loved her, but when that day comes, she will be waking up to the man who already knew." What's a girl to do? I know I'm slowly getting over it, but things still get hard sometimes. I'm strong girl, but this whole situation has left me extremely vulnerable. Vulnerable enough to get hurt with my "rebound" fling. I don't know what's going on with it, there's so much grey area and it's leaving me waking up every morning and thinking about the daily struggle. The struggle wondering if he's gonna call, if he cares...and the thing is I shouldn't even be "struggling". I don't even deserve a "struggle"...it's a hard situation and I really think I need to stop it, before I get hurt anymore. I just think I need to stop getting feelings for guys for awhile, and taketime to figure myself out. It's late, Christmas is over and I'm going to sleep. Only to wake up to another day of wondering and struggling...

It's funny to think about the first time I fell in love. I was in love with Colin, or at least falling by the time the relationship was desinigrating (sp.?). I gave everything into that relationship. I fell head over heals, no walls, wide open with no worries. That's what tends to happen with first loves. You don't really think about the whole getting hurt part because it's never happened. I didn't understand that it COULD happen. But guess what happened? My very first REAL broken heart. Back then I really didn't know how to deal with it, and I can honestly say I thought he was the "one" for me. Love can do that. It can make you believe that something totally irrational is true. It can even make you crazy. By the time I recouperated from Colin's heartbreak, I swore I'd never love again. But of course, that's not possible. About a year later, a boy named Allen came along after my "kissing slut" phase was nearing its end. From the minute I met him, I knew something was there. No, not love at first sight, but attraction. He swept me off my feet, and we fell in love. Madly, crazy in love. He went away to college while I was entering my junior year in high school, and I believed with everything I had that things could work out. Wrong. Again, I gave everything hoping that one day it would work out. But of course Allen never did change like I wished he would. Like I hoped with every inch on my heart that he would. But, people don't change like that. It got to the point where we were both "stuck" in the relationship with an endless cycle of breaking up and getting back together. Eventually it stopped, and I eventually got over it. Again, swearing to myself that I would never love again. Making the walls come up higher and higher. But after these kinds of break-ups life tends to throw rocks at you. Your bed gets lonelier and lonlier each night. You see couples kissing and laughing and it's like a knife to the heart. You want what these people have. So you take the plunge, yet again. Robby was always kind of there. It was more like he was always chasing me and I'd like him for a day, and get freaked out by his over-obsessive behavior. But one day I asked myself, what would happen if I actually tried a relationship with this boy? And I did. I think I did this because I was in control of the relationship, and the idea of me getting hurt was nearly impossible. Sure I liked him, but I never ended up falling in love. I don't care what anyone says, a break-up can hurt even without being in love. Things obviously didn't work out, but I was still hurt. So I guess I didn't have control of the relationship. So by this point, I SWORE to myself, that I would never, EVER, give my heart to someone. Much less love them. But of course, life threw rocks at me, other couples made me sick, and my bed was lonely and I needed someone. Colt was one of those people that you couldn't live with, but at the same time you couldn't live without. We shared the same interest, and it was both our passion. He was the typical "perfect" boyfriend. The one to show up one day at my house by suprise with a bouquet of roses. The one to cook me dinner, even if it took him all afternoon. The one to call me every night and talk to me until I drifted off to sleep. Of course these kinds of tangible things don't make a person fall in love, but they can help. There was something about Colt, he looked at me like he would never let me go. He swore he could never hurt me. So, I trusted him. I fell in love with him, but, always with the thought in my head that he had the power to do some damage thats been done before. But for some reason I never thought he could do that to me. He was my everything. My best friend. But of course, things went wrong. It wasn't working out, and we both knew it. I knew I wouldn't be able to spend my life with him. Things ended. They didn't end how I ever thought they would, but of course, you never really know someone. You might think you do, but you don't. So right now I'm at a very vulnerable stage in my life. I know love. I've experienced it, lived it, and gotten over it. It's gotten me to question "Is it really worth it?" But of course it is. It kind of takes time to look back and realize what all these boys and broken hearts have done for me. Looking back, I can see how everything has worked out. That all these boys weren't right for me. I've learned from every single one of them. I've grown stronger and wiser, but what happends when love calls my name again? I tend to fall, regardless of the ending result. And that's whats happening right now. I'm falling for someone. Maybe because it's the easy way out. Maybe it's because I need someone to be there, always. Maybe I shouldn't take the "easy" way out anymore. But sometimes, it's the only thing I can do.

Humans are full of complexities that I'm trying to comprehend. Why do we pretend that we're happy when we're not? Why do we pretend we are over a relationship when we're not? I know he's not over it. It's IMPOSSIBLE to be over love in this short of time. I know he was in love with me. I know he was. Shit, it's impossible to be over a relationship period in this short of time. If he's not over it, and I'm admitedly not over it too, then why do we pretend we're not? I just don't understand it. The weaker side of me just wants to run into his arms again and give up on everything. Forget about the lies and his actions since we broke up, and just give up. The strong side of me wants to move on because I know, deep down inside, that we're not meant to be. I think what hurts so much is that I'm alone and I'm lonely. I havn't felt this way in over a year and it's overwhelming. I miss being held, I miss being kissed, and I miss being cared about. What also hurts is the fact that we're not even friends anymore. I deserve so much better. I just need to find a guy that's RIGHT for me. But, I'm not going to find him. He's going to find me. I have a feeling he's at UNLV right now, waiting. And one of the reasons why I am here is so I could figure myself out before I meet him. Things always happen for a reason, and I think this is it. At least I would hope to think so.

I've been through so much in life, and it seems like I've learned so much. Here's what: Take a freaking risk from time to time. It might be good, it might be bad, but I'm telling you, if it's good, it's the best feeling in the world. If someone pisses you off, don't be afraid to smack them. They probaly won't want to piss you off anymore. Always accept the truth and don't lie to yourself. It's worse than lying to others. Hold your ground. If someone says shit about you, say shit back. But, if you are mature, you let it go. You know they are playing a game, and you know you can play it better. It's just not worth your time. Work for what you want, and don't ever give up. One day it will all pay off. Nothing is more rewarding. If a guy drives a "gay" car, you probaly don't want to date him. He will end up being a homosexual someday. He just doesn't know it yet. If he drives a truck, be careful with your heart. Boys with trucks can be bad, very bad. It's true, you CAN learn to love someone. But the thing is, once you realize your in love with the person it's already trashed. Don't say I love you to someone if you really, really don't mean it. Don't trust anyone but yourself. If your going to trust someone, let it be a friend. A friend who has never, ever let you down and who is always there for you. As attractive as it is, don't date the bad boy because that's exactly how the relationship will end up, bad. Be friends with your exes. Sometimes they can end up being the best friends you can have, they know you. If a guy is stupid and you get better grades than him, don't bother. Sometimes you need to play in the rain. Even if you're not five. Love yourself before you love anyone else. If a guy wants you "to do things" for him a week into the relationship, that's all he wants from you. Your just a piece of meat, he doesn't care about you. Keep your chin up. The moment in a relationship where he stops calling you, it's done. There's no going back. Once a relationship has been named "over", it's over. Once again, there's no going back. Find an outlet for your emotions. Whether it's writing, painting, dance...whatever it is, emotions aren't something that should be bottled up. People change. Things change. Accept it. It's inevitable. Appreciate the simple things. Nature is one of the most beautiful things in the world. If you need to go somewhere and think, this is the place. Don't run away from your problems. Look them right in the face and say, bring it on. But above all, live life to its fullest, and be thankful for every breath you take.

I know it's 11:30 and I know I should be getting some sleep but I need to write. It's the only thing to do right now. I had another panic attack. Because I fucking gave in and looked at Colts lamespace. Honestly, why do I put myself through this shit? WHY? It's like, I've lost all hope. He's gone. The Colt I knew and loved is freaking gone. What I'm still holding onto the the hope that someday he will come back. But he's not. It's not there, he doesn't care, and that's it. But why the hell should I care? Ever since we've been broken up he's put me through hell and back. I'm so so sick of having to prepare myself to go to practice and see him and excpect the worse. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I'm hanging by a thread right now. I havn't ever felt this way before. I'm in a hole right now and I honestly don't know if I can make my way out. And I was doing so well for 2 days. I was thinking that it was only better from here. It's not. I shouldn't let it bug me because that's exactly what he wants. Amanda, just be strong. Be strong because I know you are. You've been through it before, and I know you can do it again. Just hang on tight. Above all, your fucking hot. Don't ever forget that.

So, I've been having a lot of problems lately. Serious ones. Panic/Anxiety attacks. This has never happend before, but all I know is I want it to go away. I can't breathe a lot of the time, and my heart constantly rises. That's just normal now. But when I have an actual attack, it feels so hopeless. I can't breathe, I shake, I get dizzy, nauseous...it's the worst feeling. So overwhelming. I know exactly why this is happening. Life right now as I know it, is so hard. I dread going to cheer practice. I absolutly hate it. I hate seeing Colt and I hate acting like I'm fine all the time. It's was makes me stressed. Acting like someone else all the time, and not acting the way I'm actually feeling. I can't let him see the distress. He asked out someone on my team. When I tell people this they just don't understand how it makes me feel. I can't think of a worse feeling. Someone else. I guess he kissed her on the cheek. Just like he did to me at USA Nationals. I guess what makes me so mad about it is the fact that I was no different. The fact that he can just let go just like that. But then again, I know it's absolutly impossible to just get over something after 3 weeks. You can't be in love with someone and forget about it. I can see it in his eyes. I know he's in denial. But of course the odds aren't in my favor. He's got friends telling him what a worthless peice of shit that I am and what a bitch I was and blah blah blah. Of course he's going about and asking girls out and what not. I can just see it. And I think the fact that I can see is what makes it worse. I know he cares, but I can't see it. I can, but it's not really there. The whole situation is so overwhelming. He did coke behind my back, and still does. He's just someone else that I never knew now. But the thing is, I don't know why I care so much. He's NOT ATTRACTIVE and I would abolsutly love it if someone could please tell me what I was thinking. But the thing is, the more and more I look at him, especially with the way he's been acting, he gets uglier and uglier. Inside and out. I gave him all of his stuff back. So I guess he's out of my life. But that's just impossible. How can someone be out of your life when it's all you think about? Cheer is kind of stressful. My tumbling is still on the mental side...but I discovered the rod floor the other day. My new best friend. I've just been looking around for friends to talk to but it's hard. The one friend I talk to about a lot of things is Brook. But she hasn't called me back. It makes me so mad. I just need her to be here for me, but she's not. I guess she's not a very true friend. I just need to make sure I don't get mad at her if she ever does end up calling me back. School is just crazy. I hate it and I hate going to class and I hate going to school. I get good grades, but it just bites. I finally told my mom about my panic attacks. It was hard but I did. I'm gonna go see someone about my problems. Whether it's a psychologist or psychiatrist, I just hope it helps. I'm not doing very well. I just want to get better and move on.