So, I've been having a lot of problems lately. Serious ones. Panic/Anxiety attacks. This has never happend before, but all I know is I want it to go away. I can't breathe a lot of the time, and my heart constantly rises. That's just normal now. But when I have an actual attack, it feels so hopeless. I can't breathe, I shake, I get dizzy, nauseous...it's the worst feeling. So overwhelming. I know exactly why this is happening. Life right now as I know it, is so hard. I dread going to cheer practice. I absolutly hate it. I hate seeing Colt and I hate acting like I'm fine all the time. It's was makes me stressed. Acting like someone else all the time, and not acting the way I'm actually feeling. I can't let him see the distress. He asked out someone on my team. When I tell people this they just don't understand how it makes me feel. I can't think of a worse feeling. Someone else. I guess he kissed her on the cheek. Just like he did to me at USA Nationals. I guess what makes me so mad about it is the fact that I was no different. The fact that he can just let go just like that. But then again, I know it's absolutly impossible to just get over something after 3 weeks. You can't be in love with someone and forget about it. I can see it in his eyes. I know he's in denial. But of course the odds aren't in my favor. He's got friends telling him what a worthless peice of shit that I am and what a bitch I was and blah blah blah. Of course he's going about and asking girls out and what not. I can just see it. And I think the fact that I can see is what makes it worse. I know he cares, but I can't see it. I can, but it's not really there. The whole situation is so overwhelming. He did coke behind my back, and still does. He's just someone else that I never knew now. But the thing is, I don't know why I care so much. He's NOT ATTRACTIVE and I would abolsutly love it if someone could please tell me what I was thinking. But the thing is, the more and more I look at him, especially with the way he's been acting, he gets uglier and uglier. Inside and out. I gave him all of his stuff back. So I guess he's out of my life. But that's just impossible. How can someone be out of your life when it's all you think about? Cheer is kind of stressful. My tumbling is still on the mental side...but I discovered the rod floor the other day. My new best friend. I've just been looking around for friends to talk to but it's hard. The one friend I talk to about a lot of things is Brook. But she hasn't called me back. It makes me so mad. I just need her to be here for me, but she's not. I guess she's not a very true friend. I just need to make sure I don't get mad at her if she ever does end up calling me back. School is just crazy. I hate it and I hate going to class and I hate going to school. I get good grades, but it just bites. I finally told my mom about my panic attacks. It was hard but I did. I'm gonna go see someone about my problems. Whether it's a psychologist or psychiatrist, I just hope it helps. I'm not doing very well. I just want to get better and move on.