I know it's 11:30 and I know I should be getting some sleep but I need to write. It's the only thing to do right now. I had another panic attack. Because I fucking gave in and looked at Colts lamespace. Honestly, why do I put myself through this shit? WHY? It's like, I've lost all hope. He's gone. The Colt I knew and loved is freaking gone. What I'm still holding onto the the hope that someday he will come back. But he's not. It's not there, he doesn't care, and that's it. But why the hell should I care? Ever since we've been broken up he's put me through hell and back. I'm so so sick of having to prepare myself to go to practice and see him and excpect the worse. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I'm hanging by a thread right now. I havn't ever felt this way before. I'm in a hole right now and I honestly don't know if I can make my way out. And I was doing so well for 2 days. I was thinking that it was only better from here. It's not. I shouldn't let it bug me because that's exactly what he wants. Amanda, just be strong. Be strong because I know you are. You've been through it before, and I know you can do it again. Just hang on tight. Above all, your fucking hot. Don't ever forget that.