It's funny to think about the first time I fell in love. I was in love with Colin, or at least falling by the time the relationship was desinigrating (sp.?). I gave everything into that relationship. I fell head over heals, no walls, wide open with no worries. That's what tends to happen with first loves. You don't really think about the whole getting hurt part because it's never happened. I didn't understand that it COULD happen. But guess what happened? My very first REAL broken heart. Back then I really didn't know how to deal with it, and I can honestly say I thought he was the "one" for me. Love can do that. It can make you believe that something totally irrational is true. It can even make you crazy. By the time I recouperated from Colin's heartbreak, I swore I'd never love again. But of course, that's not possible. About a year later, a boy named Allen came along after my "kissing slut" phase was nearing its end. From the minute I met him, I knew something was there. No, not love at first sight, but attraction. He swept me off my feet, and we fell in love. Madly, crazy in love. He went away to college while I was entering my junior year in high school, and I believed with everything I had that things could work out. Wrong. Again, I gave everything hoping that one day it would work out. But of course Allen never did change like I wished he would. Like I hoped with every inch on my heart that he would. But, people don't change like that. It got to the point where we were both "stuck" in the relationship with an endless cycle of breaking up and getting back together. Eventually it stopped, and I eventually got over it. Again, swearing to myself that I would never love again. Making the walls come up higher and higher. But after these kinds of break-ups life tends to throw rocks at you. Your bed gets lonelier and lonlier each night. You see couples kissing and laughing and it's like a knife to the heart. You want what these people have. So you take the plunge, yet again. Robby was always kind of there. It was more like he was always chasing me and I'd like him for a day, and get freaked out by his over-obsessive behavior. But one day I asked myself, what would happen if I actually tried a relationship with this boy? And I did. I think I did this because I was in control of the relationship, and the idea of me getting hurt was nearly impossible. Sure I liked him, but I never ended up falling in love. I don't care what anyone says, a break-up can hurt even without being in love. Things obviously didn't work out, but I was still hurt. So I guess I didn't have control of the relationship. So by this point, I SWORE to myself, that I would never, EVER, give my heart to someone. Much less love them. But of course, life threw rocks at me, other couples made me sick, and my bed was lonely and I needed someone. Colt was one of those people that you couldn't live with, but at the same time you couldn't live without. We shared the same interest, and it was both our passion. He was the typical "perfect" boyfriend. The one to show up one day at my house by suprise with a bouquet of roses. The one to cook me dinner, even if it took him all afternoon. The one to call me every night and talk to me until I drifted off to sleep. Of course these kinds of tangible things don't make a person fall in love, but they can help. There was something about Colt, he looked at me like he would never let me go. He swore he could never hurt me. So, I trusted him. I fell in love with him, but, always with the thought in my head that he had the power to do some damage thats been done before. But for some reason I never thought he could do that to me. He was my everything. My best friend. But of course, things went wrong. It wasn't working out, and we both knew it. I knew I wouldn't be able to spend my life with him. Things ended. They didn't end how I ever thought they would, but of course, you never really know someone. You might think you do, but you don't. So right now I'm at a very vulnerable stage in my life. I know love. I've experienced it, lived it, and gotten over it. It's gotten me to question "Is it really worth it?" But of course it is. It kind of takes time to look back and realize what all these boys and broken hearts have done for me. Looking back, I can see how everything has worked out. That all these boys weren't right for me. I've learned from every single one of them. I've grown stronger and wiser, but what happends when love calls my name again? I tend to fall, regardless of the ending result. And that's whats happening right now. I'm falling for someone. Maybe because it's the easy way out. Maybe it's because I need someone to be there, always. Maybe I shouldn't take the "easy" way out anymore. But sometimes, it's the only thing I can do.