Okay, I can tell this entry is gonn abe long. I really wanna get everything out in just one entry. Well Im gonna start off where it started. Today we got out backwards pictures back. I didnt want to get mine, and I figured I would tommarow or after break. Cuz I just didnt feel like looking at Jake. So I was talking to Dylann and Zoe and they were like: Omg Amanda go get ur pictures blah blah blah. I really didnt want to. I didnt want to even look at me and Jake together. God, just thinking about him just makes me sick. OKay shut up Amanda. So they were like well we r gonna go and look at them and I really didnt care if they went to go look at them. But then Im talking to other people and they come up with the pictures and they were like omg amanda look! and I couldnt look at them so I just turned my back. So I saw them, they were okay, a actually good picture of me, but just Jake. No offense to him or anything, but he was a waste of my time. But anyways, I asked Zoe and Dylann to go give them to Jake for me, cuz I didnt want them, or did I want to face him OR HIS FRIENDS. So Im walkin to 5th period thinking everything is alright and she gave him the pictures, but I see Zoe and Dylann going somewhere else than she should have been. I ignored it and asked them what Jake said when they gave him the pictures. They replied with: "Oh, we gave them to ur mom." My jaw just dropped. I could not beleive that she did that. I was sooooo mad. I dont know why I got so worked up about it, but I got really upset. During 5th period I was like about to cry. I think the reason I was so mad was because they gave them to my mom: the ultimate bitch. I knew that now that she had the pictures, she would say oh well blah blah blah and take her back to lecturing me on how bad of a person I am becuase Jake left early at backwards. But really, she thinks that I was being mean to him, because Dylann and Zoe told her all this shit that really wasnt true. So my mom thinks that he left because I was ignoring him or whatever. Bullshit right there. So anyways, Im totally mad at them and in the taking Dylann home, we dropped her off and all, and Dylann says bye and I dont say anything cuz I really dont feel like it, plus i didnt feel like speaking cuz I felt like shit. And I still do. If ur weodnering, Im sick like a mother and yah. Okay, so we r driving off from Dylann's house and my mom says: well looks like I have a bitch for a daughter. OMG I was about to cry.my mom was pissed cuz I didnt say goodbye to Dylann. what the hell. Then she lectures me on how I only care about myself. Do I? I actually thought about that, but really, I dont. When people are sad, I feel their pain and IM sad for them. But I really think the thing is now, that whenever Im sad or whatever, I actually show it. I got really freaking sick of hiding whatever was going on through my head. Always trying to put on that fake smile that no one knows its fake, and pretend like nothing happened. Im sick of it. So Thats pretty much it. Im having trouble with friends right now, figuring out which ones are true or not. But really, I think the only true one is Monique. She makes me happy, and she doesnt get mad at me for showing my real emotions. I also having this "issue" that really bothered me for some reason. I guess this gurl Erin was looking at some different pictures from backwards and she had the same dress as me, and she comments with: Omg! I look sooooo much better in that dress than Amanda. Okay, that freakin hurt. Considering I didnt really like that dress on me, just like every singe dress I tried on, but it was the best I could do. It probaly hurt so much cuz it got in touch with my insecuruties so much. I am probaly so freakin insecure about everything, but no one knows it. I have been way insecure for a long time. Sctually, when I look back at my summer diary, not one entry goes by without me saying omg Im so ugly. Its really hard to go back and read it now, cuz I knew how unhappy I was. God damn, why cant things just be ok? I wish things were the way they were like in 6th grade. I was so freaking happy then. But I guess, it just isnt the same anymore. Likes changing and IM not changing with it. I think maybe I need to stop caring about myself so much. But then again putting on the fake smile its very tiring. Oh well. Well, Im gonna go, I need to go to dance rehersal and put on that fake smile, cuz I dont want anyone to really know. But then again I want to talk to someone. God this sux, I think Im just gonna go be4 I rmble on too much. I think this is the longest journal entry I have ever ever written in my life. luv always Amanda