Some people play pretend, you know, tell themselves that everything is alright when it's really not. They go about their daily lives with a steady rythm or beat, but never falter because of these lies they tell themselves. They think they are being the mature ones by pretending everything is alright, but when in reality, they are the childish ones. Playing games of pretend. I don't know if that's me, or if I am actually okay. But lately, it seems like everything is okay. Maybe that's because I havn't faltered, everyday has just been the same. I have noticed that I am a bit anti-social. I left a party early when I had a one o clock curphew that was hard to get, but ended up by coming home at 12. Must just be a phase. Or the idea of going to a huge party the other didn't sound appealing, and that juat hanging out w/ my dance company friends was a lot more fun than what I normally do. I must be sick of partying. Who knows. I think this year is just been made to test me. Everyday is a test of my emotional stability. I think that's what only makes me stronger. Yesterday last year, this whole weekend last year, I was so naive. I almost wish I could be naive again, and not know as much as I do today, and when my world was filled with sugar-coated happiness. Catch my flow? I mean, at this time, this time was a time of beginings. So maybe I just need to set up a begining for myself. I need to stop depending on other people for happiness. To be honest, I don't think I could have anyone right now, I need to learn how to make myself happy first. Yeah. It's still reassuring in the back of my head that there are people surrounding me, at times I just seem to ignore it. Had a conversation with someone last night. He told me things I didn't need to hear. That he still thought I was the most beautiful blah blah, I eventually told him to shut up, which was smart. And this other someone has this inner cockyness which is driving me away. Almost making me hate. But you know what, I don't think he would ever deserve me. I think thats the way I need to look at it. I supposed theres an element of truth in that. ~Amanda