all i can do right now is breathe. theres nothing more i can do to keep me going. last night was a disaster. i feel so bad about everything. i had to go over to monique's house and tell her everything that happened. even though i really dont remember that much either. monique just doesn't know her limits and can't control herself. me? hmm. yah, i know my limits, and i drank a little over them. even before i started drinking i was standing there with max with some vod in my hand, telling him that if i got drunk i knew that i would start crying. this mask i put on has just been so automatic. i figured that if i told myself that everything was okay i'd start beleiving it. all these emotions that were bottled up inside decided to come out all at once. but of coase with alchohol assisting it. im sorry id i ever annoyed anyone. i know i did. the only people that really cared were the people i knew would be there. thank you so much isa. you were my shoulder to cry on, literally. fucking ex-boyfriends. i was so mad last night. i kept telling everyone to totally forget about it if they ever saw me, just in case i said anything stupid. then colin has to go on and mimick me. i fucking heard him with my own ears. he thinks i dont know. ha. what the hell did i do to him? i didn't say anything bitchy at all, and yet he still has to be an asshole. that seriously hurt when he said that shit. he pisses me off soooo much. i have no idea what the hell im saying here. but all i know is once everything got out, it's out, and won't go away. "And I struggle to get myself up again, I wann ahang onto something that wont break away or fall apart like the peices of my heart" -something corporate enough said. -amanda