okay guys. umm he hasnt called, in fact none of my friends called. I don't know if they didn't call because they knew i wouldn't be here or if they just don't miss me. Anyways for whatever reason i can feel an ulcer rising or myself about to have an anxiety attack from all the worry. damn i wish i could stop. before i hurt myself.I hardly ever worry. im so distant. But i was around this one girl all day and all she does is worry. she made me feel so insecure. and then my hair(its in a very new style, and i had to feel cute). and then that weird dream. oh guys you need to be updated. i was in model classes. and we graduated from that, but we had to do run way to graduate. you have to get up there and feel so confident. being in this state i didn't know how to do that. but i did it. okay so now let me tell you about the dream. I don't know how it starts or how it ends. i just know that in the dream we go to a party (me and aaron and our friends) and its a teen party so its all dark and there are beds available. im dancing and shit chillin with some friends and i walk through this room to change my (you knowladies) okay so in the room is aaron and this girl, and she is pullin off his shirt and shit and he is letting her. and then when i go to make sure it is him before i jump stupid i look at the girl and she has a clown face.i am so scared of clowns that i awoke out of my sleep drenching in sweat. and i guess i scared my neice b/c she was crying in her sleep. maybe having the same dream. and her foot had been in my chest so in my dream i just was experiancing pain from witnessing him cheat on me. Okay now the other day my friend told me that he was at this girl's house and well he's not a cheater and they don't have a history so i wasnt worried. and then a friend of mine made me feel good about it,so i was definantly fine. and then i dont want it to be over. and then i wasnt sure if i could take worrying about it having to model and shit.so i guess it just pushed it away to the back of my head. anyways i wasnt sure if the dream was confirmation or if it was just another way for me to escape my other worries and add another.now im very paranoid. ~Arat~ Ever heard the wonderful song "smokin cigerettes" by tweet? man. powerful song. definantly a song you listen to when you are worried. i cant believe im this scared. i found myself in a corner crying my eyes out unstopable. What's worse i think i was unconscience before then because i dont know how i got there. guys this boy aaron is my fuckin world. its like God sent him to me to be mine for eternity and i know that i love him more than he could ever love me for all that he has done for me and the thought of losing him is crazy. i want to do it like a movie. where if he has cheated on me i can say. How long has this been going on, do you love her, is she who you want to be with?, and is this over? will you ever do it again? and if he says yes to the right ones and no to the right ones i will say okay and then we will live happily ever after. too bad life aint like that. and i have so much pride i doubt it would happen that way. damn i feel like just getting on my knees and praying. like this is a marriage and i need to save it for the sake of religion or something.