somebody said that i should inlighten yall on what's going on with me right now. but i promise yall its boring and yall wont care. so far ive o.ded on bleach and expired asprin. but neither the baby nor me have died. sux right?? i have a lady who will help me get an abortion but she will not pay for it. nobody will and i am so broke and unable to get a job that im losing hope. im wondering if she'll just let me pay her back b/c it will take me two or three weeks to get all the money and that time i do not have. i think maybe she simply does not have the money to lend. im not sure though. i wish help would appear. basically i am alone and lonely. there are no men in my life. but my girlfriends stop for a visit. ive realized that maybe before now my whole life's been a lie. everything i did was real and to protect me i told myself little lies or was lied to. i realize that maybe i never knew quite exactly what i was doing and just assumed. i figuere ive been in love but it doesnt matter b/c it got me no where. and maybe when i think i am in love again i will not say it b/c my love doesnt mean much later. my love is not deep enough. maybe b/c i am too selfesh and vain to feel love like that long and hard when the relationship is gone. or maybe just maybe living has made me this way. i dunno. and maybe this is why life is a lie. luv always sugah