hmm last night's diary was an understatement of what is really going on so i decided to start over and redo completely. Im starting to hate myself. I dont know if I feel pushed or what but i am starting to hate myself. i have cheated TWICE now. two different guys. first Evvan b/c he wouldn't let me go home till i kissed him and hit my spot(but i'll be responsible b/c i shouldnt have gotten in the car with him anyways) and second safari who raped me in my sleep. I woke up and his head was between my legs i swear (im not the one to sleep with panties, TMI yes i know (too much information)), but ill accept responsiblility on that one too but i shouldn't have let him in. and to think i have the audacity to get upset at jeffrey when he acts as if he cant trust me. shit he cant. why should he. i guess when he says it i dont get mad i get offended b/c its true and the truth hurts. i swear before my God that he can trust me from now on b/c i simply fell and made a mistake. i didnt mean to at all and my intentions were aiming a totally different way. i promise. i am totally in love with lajeffrey and nobody is ever as good as lajeffrey and he is all i want so i mean even though i thought that in the first place things were just scary because all of the argueing and fightin and hurtful things being said. i guess it was my way of fighting or flighting. plus i dont like to be in love. but since im accepting responsibilities ill accept that fact that i am and treat him like i love him to death cuz i do. now to make him treat me the same. too bullheaded aries mixed with my taurus side (border birthday) just dont mix somedays. too alike. only i dont agree with all the drugs though i could use some myself. well wish me all the luck or bless me with delight cuz i need it. im trying a new method. a never before done one. i mean ive tried to do it b4 but pride wouldnt let me. lets see if i am in control of my pride now? luv always sugah damn bitch teacher made me stop writing in my diary during bcis so the first edit was not a complete one. jeffrey's birthday is tomorrow. getting him nothing, or cant think of anything yet. my birthday is in six days!!! getting me everything.