okay its a new day. im not sure what i want to do with it but i know i am going to do it right this time. im escaping to diondria's house today. and ill call my mom every two hours and tell her where i am. then at the end of the day i will stay the night more than likely. well i dont know. but like i said today will be fun and i will not be couped up in this house and i will feel something a lot like beautiful. i know im in the mood for seeing lajeffrey. though his words have caused me to rethink this relationship. i mean somebody needs to tell me how easy it is to lie and tell a girl you love her and sound so serious when you say it. b/c i dont think i realize how easy it is. i mean. i didnt ask him to ask me out. i didnt tell him to tell me he loves me. and shit i didnt ask him to do any of the other things that he does. i mean alot of the times it feels like he loves me. and since all of those arguements he hasnt made me feel that he doesnt. maybe i just woke up on the right side of the bed at the wrong time (i have a day bed there is only one side u can wake up on). anyways he just called and we had one of those less than a min convo's again. i hate those. if it was up to lajeffrey our convo's would always be that short b/c he always feels like i dont want to talk to him. i dont understand why though. b/c i usually answer the phone in a cheery voice. there's no telling and i wont wonder why anymore b/c frankly i wont care. no today is a i wont care about lajeffrey unless he wants to come around on his own day. ha ha. ive got it. see writing and talkin about it does clear your mind. luv always sugah i just figuered something out. i know why i didnt want to have that baby. it didnt have anyting to do with me. well a little bit about my fears but i wasnt worried about money or people cause I know God would let it all work out. it had to do with this cold ass world. ive been here almost sixteen years and already this world has chewed up and spit out all of my dreams and hopes. i didnt want to be responsible for brining my baby up in such a cold and horrible place. knowing that no matter what i do i can not protect her from all that will harm her and i didnt want to have to live that. another horror story. why cant i fly to pluto or somewhere so it can be just me and my baby and we can watch the world from our safe spot, and when we are both ready orbit down like angels and take it on full force?? how come people like me always have to live in a dream world where almost nothing ever comes true the way you wish it would??