I've been playing a lot of M. Ward on guitar lately. He's got some cool alternate tunings that he plays that sound fantastic. That's why I wrote the last entry like I did as well. Those are some of his lyrics. He's probably my favorite singer/ songwriter. I'm not afraid to give him that title, he's that good. "What do you do with the pieces of a broken heart? And how can a man like me remain in the light?" How the hell can a man communicate so much and pierce right through everything with words in a song? I don't get it, but I want to. It's crazy that I can listen to guys like him and John Mayer and Derek Webb and just connect in a millisecond to what they're saying. The emotion is crystal clear instantaneously. I can't exactly fathom what it takes to be able to do that, but I hope to be able to do something like it someday. "Everything I've loved I have forgotten. Everything I've forgotten looks just like me." It's freaking brilliant. "With my eyes on the prize and my mind on you, I put my pride on the line and my whole life too." I feel like that right now. I'm living a state of temporary celibacy and genuine depravity and it feels like there's so much on the line especially with this situation I'm in with Mariana. It's been a month since she broke up with me and I've even talked to her. I want her... badly. I want to commit to her and fall in love with her and suffer the consequences and make mistakes and deal with them and hold absolutely nothing back. Restraint was always my biggest flaw. I don't want to hold back ANYTHING. That's the most ridiculous aspect of christian dating to me. The restraint of it. You can't get to know someone THAT well. You can't tell them THAT much. You can't get THAT close to them. It's ridiculous. I can't help but still experience that closeness I had with Mariana. She's pretending it never happened though, and it kills me. I think about her constantly and all the times we spent together. All of those 4-hour phone conversations were apparently in vain. I want her back. I've said it before, I'll probably say it again. I want her back. I need to give the situation to God too though, as I've been told 1000 times. There's a delicate balance there too though, I'm not going to do nothing. I'm not supposed to just stagnate and do nothing about this whole situation if Mariana is the person I'm supposed to be with. I can't let her just run away like this if we're meant to be. I just want another chance to right my wrongs. "You're like a rollercoaster, you give me heavy, metal dreams. You're like a rollercoaster, you could make a dead man scream."