I’m at my parents place again and I can’t fall asleep. My heart hurts too badly. Honestly, I need to come clean with Mariana and tell her where I’m at. I need her. At least I think I do, and I think the month of being without her has been one of the most miserable I’ve ever experienced. There two distinctive emotions at play in me right now. Love, how I feel for her and care for her. And hate, for what she did to me and how she made and is making me feel right now. My heart still hurts like hell and I don’t know how to stop it. I’ve tried praying about it and I’ve tried just not caring, but she means too much to me. C.J. said I was an idiot for over-committing, but I don’t agree. I want her back and I want her to live up to what she said about me. About loving me. About needing me and wanting me and trusting me. By breaking up with me she just re-affirmed and intensified several insecurities I had. I won’t be able to handle her with another guy. I think that will hurt too much. This break up has made me think some pretty ridiculous thoughts and I want them to stop and I want things to go back to the way they were. I want a redemptive, loving relationship with this woman and I want to give myself wholly to her. I don’t care what anybody thinks, that’s what I want. Part of me wants to leave Highlands and go to Biola next year and forget about her and Arizona and everything, but part of me just wants to say I’m sorry and get back with her. From our last conversation, I don’t think she’ll be having that. She told me that she wasn’t getting back with me and that the things I said needed to be said in our relationship and not after it. She told me not to say “I love you.” I did. She told me not to do things, but I did. I want her back so bad it freaking hurts my chest just thinking about it. Still, it does. A month and half after the fact it still does. I didn’t know what heart-break was until she did this. I didn’t know what betrayal looked like until she did this. I don’t care. I want her back. I want to be truly forgiven for the things I did wrong in our relationship and I want to truly forgive her for this. It’s f***ed up and I hate it. I can’t talk to her without getting mad, I can’t look at her Myspace without getting sick and I can’t go to church without feeling tremendous stress and pain every moment I’m there. This sucks. This sucks worse than anything I’ve dealt with in my life. I can’t go to C.J. because his advice is terribly biased and controlling and I can’t really go to anyone else. I’ve tried praying about it and I’ve tried ignoring it, but it’s not going away. I don’t want to fight anymore, and I don’t want to be fought anymore. I want redemption so damn bad it’s not even funny. I need her. I really f***ing do. I hate how she parades this in front of my face and makes me feel small. She talks to all these guys and flirts with them so openly in messages online that I just can’t deal with that kind of rejection. She talks to her ex-boyfriends and rants about the good-old-days… I’m assuming before she met or had to deal with me. I feel worthless. I feel small. I feel neglected and I feel like there’s nothing I can do. I hate discipleship right now. I hate church right now. I hate C.J. right now. I honestly hate this worse than anything I’ve dealt with. I wish there was a formula of how I could act to get her back and steps I could take to show her how good of a man I am and how much I care for her. I didn’t do that enough in our relationship and neither did she. I want to try again. This sucks.