She's got one magic trick. Just one and that's it. She disappears. My heart hurts like hell right now... like it has for the last month with varying amounts of intensity. I miss Mariana. I was thinking I didn't care, but I do. I "overcommitted" and I ascribed too much worth to her. I'm sorry? I was dedicated to a relationship with someone whom I care deeply about and who told me she felt the same. That part, however, was a lie. This is a terrible situation to be in. It hurts terribly every time I see her and I can't stand not being able to talk to her. I want to apologize or do something, but I don't have anything to apologize for, aside from making our relationship tough to deal with physically, or maybe not giving her enough encouragement. I never got a second chance. I think that may be one integral theme of this whole relationship... not getting second chances when you need them most. It sucks. Bad. I saw myself marrying this girl. I guess she didn't. One night we were screwing around at my parents house and she told me that she was falling in love with me. I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing. I should've told her I felt the same way. I hate legalistic, churchy restraints that people put on relationships that serve no purpose. I should be allowed to make mistakes and tell someone I love them when I mean that. I would've meant it. I think if I said it now, I'd mean it. I don't know. I want her back, but part of me doesn't. She's hurt me so bad and I can guarantee that she doesn't, and won't know the extent of the damage she's done not only in breaking up with me the way she did, but in how she conducted herself afterwards. Happily. She's acted happier in this month that we haven't been together (at least around me) than she was in any month when we were dating. I hate it. She's communicating so much through her actions that I'm sure she's not aware of. She told me that I'm not worth it, now she's telling me that I was never worth it, and she's better off without me. Talk about ascribing worth. That's what church was about this morning. Worship. Ascribing worth. I couldn't do it. I can't do anything like this. It's just lies. I sang lyrics today that I didn't mean. I hate this. I want her to do something.