There's a funny gap between this entry and the last one. I'm pretty emotional about a lot of things still. Mariana broke up with me about a month ago and I am, to be quite honest, still pissed about it. There was no justification behind it. I had no say in it. I didn't get a second chance. She said I wasn't worth it, and we haven't talked since. I don't think I want to talk to her either. Here is what I want to say to her: "You're an irresponsible, superficial, immature, non-forgiving, selfish, hypocritical brat who deserves nothing and judges on a curve that too steep, even for yourself and I'm sorry I wasted the last six months of my life with you thinking that you were something that you are not." ...that's why I don't want to talk to her. That's where my heart's at. I'm reluctant to admit it, but I don't want to give it God right now. I have to, but I really don't want to. The saddest part about it is how hard my heart has gotten over this whole charade. It's affecting how I interact with people and my ministry and I don't want it to. I cared so much about her, and she said she was falling in love with me, which I didn't respond to, and then she left and told me, "This isn't worth it." That phrase can work wonders on a young man who already has insecurities and doubts. It can tear a heart out, and it did. I was also reluctant to write in here because I don't really know what's going to come out of it... but C.J. told me I need to be writing down stuff, if anything, how I'm feeling about this. "...to become more objective." I hate being objective. She did things wrong. I did things wrong. I forgave her and tried to work with her to improve the place she was at. She gave up, insulted me, oversimplified my situation and patronized my character. She made a clean getaway and left me high and dry with little more than 6 months of nice memories that will serve no purpose in the future, but to remind me of the good times I had with her and how deeply I cared about her. She'll go and find another guy and convice him that she's what he wants and he'll buy her a Range Rover and a home in Arcadia and everything she wants in life and she'll pretend to be happy. She'll control the men in her life just like Tracy taught her to... not to listen to men, but to pretend, all the while keeping the ball in her court and keeping total control of every situation, playing one man at a time for all he's worth until she's done. She'll pretend purity is great priority in her life when she's done more drugs and had sex and been a person that she says she's not... but she is. She still is. She still blames men. She a liar, and she lied to me. I hate the way she made me feel and if I didn't care about her so much, it would hurt me a lot less.