Chivalry! Passion! Jealousy! I adore someone. And the absolute worst thing about it is the fact that one of my best friends adores her too... and I think she adores him more than she adores me. This is very, very heartbreaking because I had hopes and they were instantly dashed. I'm seriously so let down right now because I wanted to see if a bunch of us could hang out tomorrow night and basically make the first move, because I'm gay and stuff like that, but I guess he already is hanging out with her... beat me to the freakin' punch. And it sucks. Alot. Now I don't have anything to do tomorrow night, and he's going to be out doing God-knows-what with the girl that I'm obsessed with. The story of my life. And I need to drop choir too. I'll get to that though. So I'm going to hang out with this guy tomorrow afternoon, and I suggested that we all just call the girls and get a bunch of people together and hang out, but I guess he's already got plans with just her tomorrow and that sorta leaves me out of the picture to just stay at home and be gay and work on freaking Photoshop. I really don't like this because every relationship that I've had has either left me hating someone or not knowing what they think about me and causing a lot a unneeded stress. I don't like any of this stuff. I guess I should just let go and not try for her... but that's the problem. She's perfect. Maybe it's just one of those "don't know her well enough" things, but I don't think it is, because she goes to my church, she's into the same music I am... what's up that man? So choir... It sucks. Alot. I have no reason to be in it anymore aside from getting to sing with the other seniors at graduation. So I'm freaking suffering through it now. It's really bad too because whenever I get called out because I don't like it, it's like the end of the world. I don't know if she wants me to be there and hate it, or be out doing what I love. She actually was so bold as to call my parents and tell them that she thought I wasn't ready for the real world. Bold speech for a close-minded, divorcee, high school choir teacher. When I get signed out I can actually feel like an adult, and do things for my aunt's buisness and play guitar and be myself. Unlike in choir. And okay, I'm seriously like depressed about this girl thing. It sucks. I don't know what I'm going to do about it either, because there's nothing I can say... because he's like my best friend, but I adore this girl. It's a movie guys. I'm just the supporting actor. Alright... and another thing. I writing this like two hours after I wrote the rest of this entry. So, I just realized like how goofy it is that one thing like this can change how my entire life is going. Like the more I think about not being with this girl, the farther she's going to be from me and the more everything in my life will work against that. I haven't had a chance for her to get to know me. I don't know what I could've done either. I know why people say you love with your heart too because I feel like something became really tired in my chest when I heard about all of this. I just like got this sinking feeling like I didn't matter, and everything that I've done will never be good enough. This is the worst feeling in the world. Worse than hate, worse than sadness. Neglect. And I feel like everything I'm doing just became useless too. I don't think I'm good at guitar or photography and I don't see why I should be pursuing them. I hate it... a weaker feeling though. I don't know what to think about this whole situation because it's so new to me and I just think that if I don't act now it'll be too late and things will just go down and down and I'll end up a talentless, unsociable loser like I am half the time. God this sucks. I'm gonna get to bed and try not to think about this.