I broke my right index finger today. It may just be jammed bad, but both of my parents agreed that it looked broken. I was playing one of my 7th grade guys in this really aggressive game where the goal is basically to poke your opponent by any means possible (all the while having your right hand locked and index finger extended). Let's just say I won that round. Painfully. The weird part is, I proceeded to play the entire worship set shortly thereafter. Doing stuff like typing like this and playing guitar don't actually hurt, they're just a bit uncomfortable. I'm typing at about half-pace right now with a finger that is swollen to nearly twice its size. Today was pretty bad. I've had tons of doubts about evertything lately. I don't know why I'm in ministry. I don't know why I try hard and I don't know why things happen like they do. I know God is there. I know what I'm doing in ministry is good. I know people appreciate what I do, but I don't really feel it anymore. It's just seemed like God has been a distant entity to me especially lately. I don't know if it's been the seemingly high number of people in the college small group seamlessly speaking on God's behalf all the time saying, "Well God told me..." and "I feel like God wants...". Those statements don't make any sense to me. I've known about all of this for several years now and I never felt like I could actively, surely say what God wanted at any given point in time. I don't think anyone can. I know what's right and I know what's wrong, I've done a pretty good deal of both, my problem is just seeing practically and being passionate about it like I used to. I don't feel like God is close when everyone around me uses God's will as a justification to do whatever they want. It's terrible. I know bad things happen and God tests people, He's done it to me a few times, the thing I'm having trouble with is just using Him as a means to make oneself feel better in every situation. I guess a flat tire on the 101 is God's will. But where is coincedence in that? Why do I have to try in that? Where do I fit in a plan that God's already made? The bible tells me that God gave me a choice, so far in life I've chosen to love him, and I'm going to keep on doing so, the weird thing for me is distinguishing and knowing that my actions maybe aren't as important as I thought they were. I've been struggling a ton lately with feeling ligitimate and appreciated, I think I've got that enough, at least the appreciation, and I've been trying my best to be a good man and to be ligitimate, but I don't know what to do when I question the very things that move me to be such a good person. I've never asked myself why I try so hard. Maybe I should. I've got Mariana though. Maybe I should've mentioned that. She dropped her dating vow. She's my girlfriend now. Yeah, I'm gay like that. Geez. She's way different than these other girls I've had in my life though, and in the best way possible. She cares about being a woman of God and she cares about junior high kids and she cares about being discipled. These are all things that I've valued for some time now. It's gonna be a very difficult the first few weeks for us though. If you've never been to college small group, you may not fully understand exactly what they are and how they act. They're a support group in many ways, but there are so many facets that go way deeper than in our group, and not in a good way. This group is one of the most gossipy, conniving and impersonal groups I've ever been involved with. This may just due to the fact that everyone is so vulnerable every Sunday night. I don't think most of the guys and girls realize just how much damage they're doing with their words. I can't write much more now, my 6am morning is beginning to catch up with me. Oh, and I just found out my uncle is getting a divorce from my aunt... see how does stuff like that happen after 20 years? I'm gonna try to write more about all of this junk later this week after I finish my big tests at the beginning of this week. Goodnight all.