So today i've been in a bit of a weird mood basically...kind of irritating actually. i don't like being in my depressed moods, i feel lonely and empty and broken all day. i just feel so...sigh...i don't know the word. alone, empty, pathetic, worthless, left-behind, whatever...who knows. i just feel a negative feeling, and that's the only way i can es-plain it. sam and i were supposed to go to amoeba tonight but my parents decided that "we're" cleaning...which means me. but since they said "we" i'm taking my sweet time, i mean it's not like i have a chance to do anything tonight anyway so fuck it... i hate how i have like no life. and the one chance i get to go do something i can't go. it's not like i go out every night and this time they want me to stay home, i'm ALWAYS home, and then my mom is like you need to get out of the house. so she takes me somewhere i don't want to be, when i'd rather stay the fuck home. but the one time i actually have somewhere i WANT to go, that is OUT of the house...she doesn't let me. GAAAH. sigh. so i guess i realized that i'm not totally over brett....apparently.... this is such a stupid feeling. he wasn't even that big of a fucking deal to me, and someone else mattered to me more than he ever did so why do i miss him? well luckily all i can remember of him are his annoying traits. like how stupid he looked when he would laugh drunk, or when he would say stupid shit, or use horrible grammar, or just be a stubborn pain in the ass....but i miss the affection. i want it again dammit. haha i sound like a broken record. this is all i ever say. that i miss the affection and i want it again. yeesh. they say every woman lives the kind of love life that she wants to, i think they might be right. because i mean shyeah i'm lonely right now and i don't want to be, but i'm not doing anything about it. because i know that i kinda enjoy having the freedom to sit at home and watch my movies, because they make me feel good, and i don't have to apologize for it. i love being by myself with the things i love to do, but i know i love having someone willing to share that with me more...it's hard for me to find someone to love me that's all. no one wants to get to know me enough to find out how great i can be. i dunno. i feel like giving up on bothering these days. i mean it's just so much effort to get shot down...i don't have the energy...