Ha, so many ways i can go with addicted. haha, boys, pain, heartache, chocolate....so many things. i love it. today was...er...interesting. not even, it was just fucking weird. i didnt feel very angry or sad or happy for an extended period of time or anything. i've been fairly apathetic. well, right now, considering recent events, i should be somewhat angry. well not should be, but normally i would be. so it's quite odd that i feel incredibly content. especially since some shit i didnt mean to come out, or at least not until much later, did come out....well yeah. not quite the outcome i was hoping for, but what can ya do? feels betta that it's out now tho. ok, so basically the main emotion i have felt all day is jealousy. and even then it wasnt all day, it was only during a portion. GOD why am i getting so fucking jealous? i shouldnt, i mean its not like i have any right to or anything. argh. i guess im just the jealous type...dammit i dont want to be that person. i hate being that person, but i guess that tis moi. hahaha. well, im not jealous anymore, but i was excruciatingly(?) jealous this morning. haha now i feel much better about this situation, but still angry about the way it came out how jealous i was getting. yes, notice how im trying not to specify, coz certain people might see this and i dont want them to. which is kinda dumb, coz obviously said people will know exactly what im talking about even with this almost code i've got going here. every day i get a song that i like can't stop playing, usually it is some kind of him song and of course today it twas. haha as of late i cant stop playing "pretending" although for the moment i have ceased the replay of that. i dont want to get sic of it. but its weird coz its not one of my favorite songs, its somewhere in the middle. but the video is great so when i hear the song, i think of the video, thus my need to hit the replay button. wow, this is gonna be like the longest entry i have written yet. haha i wonder how long i can make it, i bet no one will read it if its this long. let's test that theory..(although, because im pushing my luck, this will be the one time people actually read my diary and find out shit i dont want them to know--but im brave) im jealous of crystal who will not get off of this guy--nope not that brave--, and its silly im jealous, coz its not like im dating the guy, but i am jealous and i want to kill crystal. mwahahahaha. ok just because of that, this entry will probably be deleted soon. but like i said, ill be brave and just wait it out. i mean, why bother being nervous about shit? we're all gonna cease to exist eventually and none of this will matter, and its better to have taken the chance and have it turn to shit as opposed to thinking WHAT IF? i used to always think what if about so many things. i hate that feeling, so here i go, jumping off of the bridge of my life, into the waters of chance. haha wow im philosophical. bastard signed off, how rude. couldnt even say i gotta go or anything, nope just signed off. and this is the thing that normally i would be pissed off about, but im very apathetic towards it. quite content. i dont even give a damn anymore...although here i am discussing how much i dont care...but ya know what i mean. hahaha im a rambling freak, i know. this is actually fun writing long ass entries, its kinda nice to get allll these feelings about the day out. and since im completely rambling on and basically typing every thought that goes thru my head for the time being, its a great way to get an insight into me. now the world can get to know me really well. neat-o. ok, im just getting lazy now. its like the 4th day of school and already im putting off my homework to the point where i dont do it. whoopsie. o shit, french test tomorrow. didnt study, and i have it first....DAMN IT! o well, ill just wing it. god i hate that class. its not that its hard or anything, but im surrounded by preppy people or people i hate. i mean, i look up and i see erica, and behind her is brian. two people that hate me, therefore i hate back. so fuck em. and then the row next to me is just cheerleaders, and the seat behind me is michelle. i cant stand her, so phony. and the only people i know in that class that i dont hate, are so far away. brandon is like 3 rows away and then 2 seats back. not much farther she could have put us apart. then ashley is 2 rows away. dammit. fucking alphabetical order. ok ive been writing for like 20 minutes now and i think i must be off. yeah, maybe more than 20, its been like 5 songs....so g'night.