I am so...apathetic...these days, it's not even funny... like i feel nothing. i mean a few days ago i was all bummed out but i have since decided it was pretty much hormonal. normally when i'm mad or annoyed i get all tense and i'm ready to punch a wall, but today i'm just like **breathes**...stuff bugs me but it doesn't. oh well. drink up baby...look at the stars...i'll kiss you again...between the bars... i just like that part of the song. i'm in a mellow mood, that's for sure. so the song seems appropriate. *sigh*...i am..so bloody conflicted...i'm...uggh...i just suck. someone i know really really cares about me, is crazy about me, and has only known me like 5 weeks, but i guess i'm just oh so wonderful that he fell for me (i'm not that conceited, i was being sarcastic, but hey it's what he tells me)...and i'm stupid and confused so i don't know what i feel. and i don't want to just jump into being with him to find out later that i don't feel that way--i don't want to hurt him...but i don't want to wait while trying to figure it out and realize that i DO like him and i lost my chance. uggh it's not fair. no matter what i do i always seem to make the wrong decision. and i'm the kind of person who wants what i can't have. so maybe it's just that i always think i made the wrong decision. blech. it's so much easier when these things just come to me (which i guess if you look at it this kinda did)....ignore me. i'm just being whiney. i seem to be doing that a lot lately. i don't like being a whiney person. yet it seems to be a part of me. i'm working on it though guys, don't worry. i'll stop eventually. and someday i might actually be pleasant to be around. hey i can dream right? i am a person who likes to weigh my options, because i haaate making the wrong decision (even though as i've said before, i always manage to do no matter what. or just think i did. so i might as well just go for it, but no that's not me) -so i could either jump right into something with the slightly unstable(by unstable i mean he's inconsistent...long story) but crazy-about-me boy, who writes amazing poetry, including a perfect poem about me, thinks the world of me and is such a sweetheart, and has seen more movies than i have. which if you know how much i love movies you know that's astounding. -or- -i could be single for a while...just see what comes along. but it's not like i'm expecting someone or something better to come along, i just don't want to regret anything? because i mean i've only been single for...5 weeks...ha. but i am sooo not on the rebound. i really don't give a shit about /loser/ anymore. i even forget we went out in the first place, everything seems like a long dream. oh well. i would never...EVER date someone just for the sake of making someone else jealous, because that's so unfair to that person i'm with...and it's funny, coz even though i know it would piss brett the fuck off, i don't really care what he thinks? or even if he knew at all, because it's none of his business and i really don't give a shit...hehe this is fun. picturing him pissed off doesn't even amuse me as much as it would have a month ago :) yay. hmmm sorry for anyone who's reading this that i'm basically taking you into the inner-workings of my mind. i obsess. and i overthink things. i just don't like being wrong. so here i go : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------------------------ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ read if you're interested, it's the sweetest thing, i just want to save it... it talks about a lot of things we talked about, so some of it might not make sense, but just know it means something... you are the debt of happiness, a debt i fear to pay. lover of violence, gummy worms, and dancing in the rain. a rain that doesn’t deserve you anymore than you deserve the pain of a thousand rain drops killing themselves and the sun ruining the day. you are the debt of happiness, the quintessential dream of a little boy whose hopes you've filled with serene ripe misery sweet suffering in the scent of a sea, forgotten and locked away, buried within the confines of your eyes forbidden praise. you are the debt of happiness, a kiss that cant be attained, a wish i would never have made myself, but I’d have blushed had it been gained. you're a smile torn into the skin and a face that’s etched in dreams a perfect little coma made of spider webs and screams. you are the debt of happiness, you're the anti obsolescence of a machine that triggers tooth aches and breaks my heart in sections. You hate the bitter taste of coffee, and you appreciate the sour you are the heathen, beautiful, drenched in April shower. you are the debt of happiness. so slay me while you can. out back by the boiler, disappointment in my hand. rape me of my dignity and break me down like walls, this stupid silly boy dares to feel what he shouldn't feel at all. you the are debt of happiness, what you've yet to understand is that the thing i fear to pay is you and you were never mine to gamble from the night that time began, four weeks ago when loneliness was nothing but a scam you got into my mind, and you reshaped who i am you are the debt of happiness and all i couldn’t hope for, so free me of this debt and of all I’ve been before.