it's true. i give up on love. now and forever. i don't trust anyone anymore...i seriously doubt i will ever trust another guy again. it's just so difficult...like i need to make them my friends first, and by the time they're my friends they're sick of me or don't like me anyway and yeah. wow. i hate my life. no i don't. i just hate the shitty things in my life, not that everything in my life is shitty, but the things that are shitty----i hate those. heh that was funny. even betta if you heard me tone. baah i'm so exhausted from like...everything happening... such a waste of energy. and really i only do it to myself, i don't let myself open up..not anymore. because when i do i get hurt. and look, here i am...hurt. it would be easier if i didn't have these really messed up images stuck in my head. like i picture my future or any other guy who could be with me and everything is just so dark...not literally, like everything is not...right... like i'm not happy and i don't really love anyone and it's really fuct up. i can't wait to change this outlook. i just can't picture anyone who could be with me *shrugs* but my god i'm dreading school. for so many reasons on so many levels...i'm just scared. i had a terrible dream last night. my god it felt so real...it even like took me a minute after waking up to realize that it was, in fact, a dream. i just remember me seeing him and he finally said "it's over."....i mean it basically is anyway but he said it. like...no more hope, no more 'come back to me' bullshit. just. over. stupid fucking oil (long story)....i knew i shouldn't have used it last night...but yeah. now i'm even more scared than ever. i hope to god that's just my paranoia and not necessarily a prophecy...i'm just. so. scared....like seriously i'm having mild panic attacks now...i just can NOT believe what's happening...it's all so frightening. wow...i do this --->....... a lot. lol. it's effective for my pauses....and driftings... so basically. i'm sick of pain and dealing with all the drama. i can't wait to be one of those people who is happy to be single. i don't wanna fall in love