i have less than a week left until my birthday and the outlook is bleak. honestly i dunno. stupid fighting, such a bloody waste of time really, i don't know whether or not i should wait. but we're fighting. at least i hope we're fighting. not just like over....but fighting--as in temporary. there will be a makeup. and it will be schweet. i feel like such a fool... i cannot believe i said i love you. i'm such an idiot. the words came out of my mouth as my brain was thinking ABORT ABORT!!! i literally am having trouble believing that i said i love you. a couple times. his expression didn't change. i don't know what was worse, him not even showing the slightest bit of compassion when i said that i was in love with him, or when he said he hadn't put the moves on sarah yet. yet?? wtf do you mean yet?? haha i read far too much into things. and maybe it's a good thing, it lets me be pleasantly surprised. i hope. everyone else seems to think this is just a fight. especially since he promised he'd come back to me. and when i said i'd walk away crying he was like "then you don't trust me" and maybe he's right. i want to, and as far as him being a decent guy who can keep secrets and shit--yeah that i trust. but his feelings for me. that is something i may never trust in anyone. not that they weren't genuine so much as that they would soon fade. i'm insecure, and i find it difficult to believe that someone so perfect as he could really have feelings for me, let alone maintain them. i can't help it, it is something i'm going to have to overcome, but i still think it's a good thing. it keeps me from taking anyone for granted. like him. i have never taken his feelings for me for granted, and maybe i went too far with that. i thought he didn't really care about me, or that he was falling for someone else. he's mad at me for that because he thinks i don't trust him. at least i think that's part of why he's mad at me. i don't really know, he still won't tell me. it's never been about me not trusting him. i don't trust anyone easily. i didn't trust sam until like a few months ago. like maybe she's just being nice to me and i'm not really her friend. haha sad i know. i don't trust anyone, really. i don't know who are really my friends or who is just being nice to me. but it's not that i don't trust him, i just don't trust guys in general. you can't control your feelings, and he has every oppurtunity to fall in love with another girl. i mean what's so great about me? he's going to get sick of me, i think he already has. i'm just so worried about that moment that at the first sign of his eyes wandering, i'm quick to believe it. i never had any idea that he really cared about me. i honestly didn't know. i know he did once, but anymore? oh god the conversation is replaying in my head. it was awful....so painful and cruel....dear god i hope it's just a fight, something NOT PERMANENT. it would be a little easier if i knew what exactly i did that hurt him so badly, so i had a ballpark figure as to how long he's gonna hate me. but i truly do not know. the most i can think of is the trust thing....him thinking i don't trust him. i do, HE i trust, his heart i may never trust. but isn't that good? it means i'll never take him for granted. really. i will always worry about the day that our feelings fade, or his fade, and move on to someone else. how can i not? i'm human and i'm a girl. all people worry about that, it's not about me not trusting him. i was just so paranoid that it would end soon, and ironically my paranoia of it ending is what ended it. now if that isn't a life lesson then i don't know what is. i get it now!! i do! i get it! i'll be good! i'll talk to him and tell him how i feel and have faith in his feelings for me! i will, i will, just pleeeease give me another chance! hahaha pathetic. seriously i'll have faith in him and trust him when he says "yes, i have feelings for you" but now it's gone....oh man i always manage to block out key things that he says that would tell me whether or not the feelings continue. but i'm pretty sure he said something about it dying. i asked him if he did care about me a lot at one time and he said something like "at one time yes" as in not anymore. but then he promised me he'd come back to me. and it's funny because that was him telling me that i needed to trust him. but after he said such cruel things about the other girls about me and about his feelings for me basically being gone...how can i believe it? how can i trust someone who basically told me he would not be committed to me and as of late ignored me, said cruel things that broke my heart, and kinda said his feelings for me are gone? which am i to believe?? here comes the paranoia. again. now i'm wondering if him promising that he'd come back to me...was his way of hurting me further. like get me to trust him then be like HA i dont love you and i like someone else GOODBYE. i'm such a freak. but after everything else he said, i cannot let myself trust him. he has to earn that. i dont trust ANYONE. i want to trust him, and i was starting to...really i was...i mean he's the only person i wanted to spend my birthday with. but HOW do you trust someone who as soon as you begin to trust them they break your heart?? therefore stomping all over that trust. i wish he could at LEAST be civil to me on my birthday. let alone be what i wanted him to be, with me. i wanted to spend the day with him, and i was even waiting until after that to talk to him about how i feel, what we are, does he still have feelings for me? etc. etc.....but apparently that was just shot to hell. i cannot believe how close i came. i mean a week away from my birthday and we're over! WTF. i was sooo close....i was gonna wait, but i didn't even need to. i blew it without even saying or doing anything. top that jordan. i can't believe i'm just days away from the worst sweet 16 ever. but how was i supposed to know he really had feelings for me and that i really had an impact on his life?? he never acted like it so i assumed it was just kind of a me being there thing. i didnt know.... and now i just have to wait. and see. and pray that this blows over and he remembers that yes, we're a good match. and i love you. (still cannot fathom that i actually said that. it doesn't seem real. like how HOW could a phrase of such idiocy come out of my mouth??) i have a fatal disease. and it is called foot-in-mouth syndrome. i could die, i will....