holy shit it's been over a month since my last entry...however fun and articulate it was ;) so looks like i'm completely alone...once again. haha any mild observer would see me as just your average, boy crazy teen...one who can be quite dramatic at times and took these "crushes" way too seriously. well theyre wrong. i'm not anywhere near your average bullshit teenager, i'm a hopeless romantic 30 something trapped in a 16 year old's body and environment. and yes. it fucking. sucks. i mean seriuosly everyone tells me i'm an old soul and i think it's true. sometimes i wonder though that maybe that's the me that i present and truly i am as immature as my peers, with simply a good presentation of self...but once they get to know me they'd be like oh nevermind...clearly...i was wrong...shit i hope it's true though. i'm too much of a fucking drama queen for it not to be. but with such a blessing of wisdom comes my curse: i am a 30 something hopeless romantic trapped in a body (more of just a blob of flesh really) of a 16 year old anonymous with no hope of finding what she truly truly wants................................love. :(. tis sad...i mope. i whine. sam probably wants to slap me at any moment just sensing my annoying behavior coming to the surface once again...damn. doesn't help that her life aint so great right now either however i would really appreciate it if she not talk down to me like oh yes my life is so much worse so if you have anything that you are sad about it must be completely stupid and i don't worry about boys. as if what's important to me simply isn't important because it isn't to her. fuck that....but no i'm a good friend and i didn't shove this down her throat last night because that is so not what she needed. well back to the me being alone thing...it's over. very very over. technically words have not been exchanged between (bastard) and me on the subject...but we both know. well, i'm sure he does, it helped when i asked for a goodbye and he just sighed and walked away. ooooh the urge to punch him twas strong in me (but i fought it, because i am the bigger person....and because i know that my time will come when such an expression of anger is deserved...oh it will be deserved...and dammit i will follow through and hurt him as hard as humanly possible. possibly emotionally, but that depends on how badly he hurts me). we'll see what happens on monday. part of me wants to avoid this confrontation completely because i fear i know the result (and it not-so-good) but then part of me wants to quit delaying it and get on with my chance to create pain! mwahaha. seriously, he's treated me like a yo yo for so long...no wonder his girlfriends dumped him...they probably thought he wasn't into them anymore or that they were kind of broken up because he just like walked away. HA i wouldn't be surprised if they all told me they thought he didn't like them anymore..(lightbulb)...hmmm....i wonder if i could somehow find these girls and ask them, and if that not be the case then i can hurt them because they RUINED MY LIFE!!! or at least ruined my chances with (bastard). he's so damaged...and now he's taking it out on me as if IM the one that treated him like shit. like dude i think you got it just a weeee bit backwards. most girls would not put up with the shit i have put up with, but because i am a stubborn ass and i vow not to be the one to end it(i say it aint ova till it's ova). and i will not let him consider me one of the girls that got sick of him so i ended it(yes i want him to remember that when he looks back on the HUGE mistake he made. it wasn't even me who left him and ended "this"...nope. it was HE who ended it. HE was the fucking idiot who made a huge mistake, not like I was so great but didn't really care about him.) HAHAHAHA IT'S YOUR OWN GODDAMN FAULT!!! well now that that ranting is done. holy shit i wrote a lot....i keep having on and off likings toward my art project. well art project is an understatement...my portfolio dahling. it's a LOT of pressure and it has to be this perfect representation of our talent, etc. but me being the competitive ass that i am will not settle for a 3 or 4 on my portfolio rating. no no i HAVE to get a 5. and suddenly the great idea i had for a concentration theme seems childish and foolish and stupid and dammit will NOT get me my 5. i don't know what to do. maybe if i present it in such a way that it still shows the "talent" i could at least get a 4. 3 will be not-so-good, but a 4 is supposed to be good right? no one from our school has gotten a 5. i plan to get a 5....yep this is an ongoing problem with me, my artistic competitiveness... i HAVE to be the best or i die basically. i don't mind if someone else from my class gets a 4 or 5 with me, but if i get a 3 while someone does better i DIE. and i simply didn't show my talent enough...heh heh. wow let's see how many run on sentences i can create in one day.... and even though i am extremely depressed from my "over"ness i have to go be pleasant all fucking day long and be around my parents. and a pissed off sam. not that i don't mind spending time with sam, but she (nor i) is not in a good place right now and it's probably best that we aren't around eachother when we're BOTH bitching. tend to butt heads...but i can't not have her there because dammit i need salvation from my fucking parents. this is why i hate the weekends, i always have to spend time with them which i REALLY don't want to do. i just want to go in my room (possibly clean it out because even tho i attempted last weekend i did not succeed...heh...now my room is completely filled with bags of junk that i have to go through and yeah either way it aint done) and crawl under the covers and cry or something because like i said i'm fuckin depressed. i want to be left the FUCK ALONE. but nooo i have to go to...redondo beach? (sp?) wtf.....i don't want to go. my mom just like sprung this on me 2 days ago and i was like um ok sure...(alas this was before the ending of my life) fuuuuuck i don't. want. to go. i want. to be left. ALONE!!!!! i need to wallow and i'm best at working out my issues when i just think about em for a while...i'm really good at working my shit out in my head (some other bastards should never be left to their own devices for it results in self destruction, etc. but i am lucky and can do it best with myself). so anyway i'm dead and kinda depressed and it be best if i am just left the fuck alone but it looks like i'm not gonna get that so i'm just dead. goodnight (even tho it's 10 in the morning)