well....to completely jinx myself...things are going well. not great, and really not even all that well....but better. better than what it was last week. last week was hell. he ignored me. and obviously did not kiss me. i thought it was over. luckily, not yet. i'm glad he's maturing enough to realize little bumps in the road are not enough to end this, even though "this" isn't technically a relationship. at least not by his standards. which include a title...to me...when you care about someone, on more than just a physical level, and you happen have the physical as well (kissing duh)...that's a relationship. he is a good friend of mine, so we have mental compatibility...and then we kiss every day. =physical. to me, that constitutes a relationship. whether he wants to call it that or not. i fucking hate committment phobes....and he is the first and last person i will ever be "friends with benefits/potential" with. i hate it, but i know it's all he'll allow himself. so here i stay. but when this ends i refuse to ever subject myself to it again. haha gotta love my pessimism....when this ends. im a cynic yes, but at this moment i'm just being a realist. it's highschool, that never lasts. especially with someone who isn't all in it (i.e. doesn't consider this a "relationship") besides...he's a year older. i doubt he'll want to continue after he graduates. he'll want freedom. wtfever. as long as i dont have to endure the pain of seeing him everyday, i'll get over it. fast. dude how sad is this? im planning out when we'll be over and how i'll get over it. oy. i want this to last, i really do. i just don't trust him. especially not to even make me his girlfriend in the first place. wtfever. this will probably end before christmas. we'll see. i love him. he will never let himself love me. and certainly will never show it. that scares me. i am the kind of person who needs to be reassured of someone's feelings for me--even if they kiss me every day. ignoring me the rest of the time is NOT the way to show they care. that's why i have to ask him once in a while...oh well. i just wish that someday he could not only call me his girlfriend, but let himself have real feelings for me. love me even. high hopes. yes. dreams. yes. soon to be shattered? maybe. he is the one person that i want love and affection from, and the one i don't get it from. irony? perhaps.