yes. i leave today. and i'm going to Tuscon, AZ for a funeral... it's very sad. there is a viewing and everything. i haven't been to a real funeral (like at a cemetery) ever....and even a memorial type thing in as long as i can remember.... and i REALLY don't remember ever going to a viewing. viewings....scare me. the idea of seeing someone's dead corpse....i mean even if they say it looks like they're sleeping..i don't CARE what it LOOKS like....i KNOW they're fucking DEAD!!! i honestly have no idea how i will react. i fear. um so last night brett calls me...crazy late...after thee show. makes sense. well what i love is how he called me at like 11, then he had to go do something so he was gonna call me back "in a bit" and called me at 1 in the morning. something like this has happened before....a couple hours between phonecalls when it should be "in a bit" ---haha BULLSHEET. but if i remember correctly...i think he told me he loved me... like...a lot.... dammit dammit dammit why can't i be there yet?? and feel the same for him?? i mean i do really care about him and am soooo happy i'm with him...it's just taking me a lot longer to fall in love than it took him. *cough* probably because i'm still dusting off the lingered pain from past experiences....i need to get over that lol... but still. DAMMIT whyyyy??????? why must i still have a self-loathing wall against me heart that doesn't let me fall in love with anyone else?? it will come down eventually. just taking a while. and sadly i'm not sure how long brett is willing to wait... why did he have to tell me he loved me.... why couldn't he just be distant for a while, make me chase...when i chase i'm more likely to fall...being chased makes me lose interest....i don't wanna lose interest....i love being around him and he's the only person who can make me feel better about myself, because he thinks i'm the greatest person ever....and i love that. and somethings about him i absolutely love...others i don't...(i.e. smoking. grr...) *sigh* i wanna love him. but i just don't know how long it's going to take me, or what thing he could do to really open my eyes... brett why did you have to tell me that.... why couldn't you have waited till a sweet moment when we were in person and i would be waaay more receptive to the idea, and hell even put it off for a while, make me want it. uggh i feel weight on my heart. i think i feel guilty. *crosses fingers* let me fall in love with him too.... stop making it take so fucking long... goodbye loves. we're driving out today. night? (lol it's 8.33 in the morning. noice.) goodbye brett, hold on to thee feelings...just don't let them get too strong yet...give me time. **UPDATE** ahahahahahahaha i'm talking to him online and he toooooootally doesn't even realize he said that. i didn't tell him. he barely even remembers calling me.... YES! clean slate! ....freedom....