i keep feeling like spinning and dancing away...as if no one else is around...that's all i want to do. it's all i feel...just to twirl... everytime i try to put a pencil to paper i just want to draw a woman in a flowing dress twirling freely....because that's all i feel like doing. and lemme tell ya it's not an easy thing to draw....i just feel like drawing the people i want to be... women who are happy and dancing and flying and twirling and free... i want to be these people....these people who are so content with their lives there is nothing left to do BUT dance... i want to feel happiness again. i want to feel love again. i'm not so "i'll never love again"...but more like i'll never find someone to love ME again. i have plenty of faith in my ability to care for another, but as far as some guy seeing something wonderful in me...? seeing something in me that makes him want to be around me forever and want to be with me and love me? that seems impossible...i can't imagine someone seeing anything special about me. there's nothing special about me...i mean sure i've got some personality...but i talk too much and i obsess and i'm annoying after a small period of time. i am turning into a very "small doses" kind of person...nothing worth loving...i just wanna feel love and passion and all those things i've ever wanted out of life. it's just...so....hard for me to imagine someone finding me wonderful. i don't honestly believe that i'll find my someone again. i need the companionship---nono scratch that. i want it. but i'm not so desperate that i'd just leap into the arms of any boy who would ever possibly find me interesting....i'm not that bad. but is it so wrong to want to be loved?? to want someone to hold me and tell me they think i'm beautiful (ha.) and that they find me amazing? i need to stop looking for it. i'm ok with being single....i mean i'm a fucking hermit for christs sake...i love sitting at home and doing whatever.....i'm ok with being alone. but sometimes it would be nice to find someone who would either do those things with me or take me somewhere where i could be social and completely unhermit-like. because i enjoy both worlds...it's just less scary when i have someone there to hold my hand through it.... really i'm fine with being single. who needs the pressure and the drama... it's just a nice feeling. for someone who's spent a large part of their life feeling really insecure and shut out from the world...feeling so obsolete...it's nice to be loved. i want to be loved more than anything in the world....i know it sounds foolish and naive. but i'm not a naive person by nature, i just see the happiness two people can share and i want it for me...i'm selfish that way i suppose. but the boys aren't exactly lining up at my door so excuse me if you think i'm being melodramatic by thinking i'm not going to find much love in my life. yes i'm only 16. but gaaah i cannot picture my life continuing after 24...it creeps me the fuck out i honestly think i'm going to die young...so there isn't much time. and i need to seize the day. CARPE DIEM!!!!! i need life. i have spirit. just no one wants to get to know me enough to see that part of me...and sadly this outlook is what makes me more of a hermit, which ironically is what keeps people from getting to know me. vicious cycle i know. i'm scared....scared of being hurt...and scared of being alone. more the alone thing. god you have no idea how freaked out i am about staying single forever...i think i'm more afraid of that than death. hell that's probably WHY i'm so afraid of death. i'm afraid of dying before i've lived my life...had my love...etc. i feel like crying all of a sudden. and this started out as such a happy entry...but i don't know. i don't know what i think anymore. all i know is that i'm afraid. afraid of being alone forever. of never being really loved. yes i know it's only fucking high school and i'm not talking about people in the past. i'm not hurt by my past, only the absence of a future.