Wow. It really sucks to be alone. again. someone save me...talk to me...help me.... show me that i'm going to be fine... because right now my self esteem that had been brought up (by him no less)...is now deep below the ground...and i feel like i'm never going to find someone else to like me that much again... I feel like crying. i can't do this..... ______________________________________________________________________ I can't believe I'm going through this. AGAIN. i mean it was only a few months ago i went through the same (actually much more) pain over someone else....and now i have to feel lonely all over again? i have to start from SCRATCH....all over again? what i love the most about all this is how i was totally the one in control of my feelings...i mean he was falling for me like crazy-fast and i was still kinda on the outskirts of it like...oh that's nice...but secretly like i don't know where my heart is right now...blah blah.... but as soon as i actually DO fall for him too....*snap* it's over. like it happened so fast i didn't even have a chance to tell him. it was that bad. and so i die. i don't understand where these feelings go...i mean one minute he loves me. yes. he said "i love you" plenty of times for at least a week or so...then i got mad at him and suddenly the i love you's stopped...but that's beside the point. i asked him last week if he still loved me, he said yes. then after he actually got MAD AS FUCK at me...i asked him...and he hesitated, but still said yes. not so convincing ya know? that was wednesday. he even started calling me again by friday and i thought he wasn't mad at me anymore...? because he had called me...? but then rafe (thanks a lot rafe. i think you put that final nail in the coffin for us. thanks. A LOT.) decided to call me saturday morning while brett was with him, and ask me why we were mad at eachother....and i was like....we're still mad at eachother?? so i had him put brett on the phone. and i proceeded to ask him wtf was going on. but as usual you can't get brett to be very serious about anything (well, certainly not anything negative towards him...when he's pissed at me though...damn the seriousness doesn't stop)...and he was rambling on and on about random shit and i had to raise my voice to get over his...and i think he took that as me yelling at him....and he hung up on me. and was apparently very very pissed. kicked a sign, slammed the door, etc... then that night, he calls and says "hey can i come see you in about 20 minutes or so?" and i'm like....oh SHIT. (because duh. when someone is mad at you...why would they want to come over and see you right away...) but i agreed (i wanted to get it overwith rather than have the anticipation)...and what pisses me off the most is when he got here i asked him flat out WHY ARE YOU HERE. and he kept being all coy and stuff and i was like well should i be scared.....and he was like scared of what? with a smile on his face. so obviously i let my guard down because he was acting all fine, as if he wasn't going to break up with me. then i had to ask him those words. brett. are you breaking up with me. the look on his face said it all. wow. that....the shock that came over me must have been hilarious. i went from zero to stunned in 1.2 seconds. suddenly the tears came and i just remember asking him are you serious?? you can't be serious...oh god please tell me you're just joking.... but he wasn't joking. wow that was so....so hard....i just started crying...and bargaining.. haha the 5 stages of "death":: denial: "you can't be serious...omg this isn't happening...this isn't happening...no not again....not this soon....no this can't be real..." bargaining: me telling him i promised to never get mad at him for smoking or drinking anymore, that it really didn't bother me at all! (and it didn't. i was telling the truth.) and coming up with all these solutions and even though he said "it's not you, it's me" (haha could he at least have had the decency NOT to give me the most made-fun-of line ever?) and he really meant it...that he was having a lot of 'dark thoughts' running in his head and he didn't want to hurt me later....i still offered for us to just take a break but still be together, etc....yeah that was the low point of my life. depression: i just started crying and crying and everything seemed to be crashing down on me---even though he wasn't exactly that important in my life (yet)...it still....love is the most important thing to me. and it got snatched away from me AGAIN. i was quite sad you see... anger: he tried to hug me and i just pushed him away then started ...eh not yelling at him...but as he was explaining his case i was like BULLSHIT. and getting really angry. and i was just so hurt that i became so...so mad...he even said "wow you look like one angry jordan.." and i'm like um no shit?? acceptance: after all my efforts, i knew nothing i said could change his mind. and that we would never be together again...so we actually stood there for a few minutes talking and laughing a bit...and we seemed to be ok. somewhat. i'm just really good at hiding all my pain when i have to i guess...lol this is a first....but yeah i knew it was over and there was nothing i could do. it's an uncontrollable situation...why bother stressing about it... at least he gave me a goodbye kiss. at least this time i got to say goodbye, and really appreciate our last moments together. if i could make it through brandon and the YEAR investment i had in that....i can make it through 2 month brett. even though it hurts just the same (because apparently i'm over brandon now? oh how nice. i get over him just in time to now need to get over brett...yaaaaaaaay....) i miss him. and i instantly went on the space and deleted the picture of us, deleted my entire top 16 (which of course means he goes with it), and changed my status to single. again. he deleted the picture of us too. but he's stupid and hasn't changed the status, nor taken me off the top 16...i dunno. i'm waiting till he does so i can fully have closure with it. but it's gonna hurt. i miss him. and i don't think i'm going to find someone who cared about me THAT much...and showed THAT much affection towards me.... i hope i'm wrong. but it gets harder every time...harder to see myself with anyone else, or see anyone else even liking me at all mostly. i feel so alone and so empty... i just can't believe the second i loved him, it was taken away from me. like a conspiracy to bring me pain or something.... man i feel worthless... nobody likes me is so cliche but it soooo fits...