saw chelsea the other night.. she was at our football game and i didn't even recognize her.. it broke my heart. i seriously started to tear it. it made me think about justin so much, but i know he is with us and chelsea is carrying a part of him to share with all of us. i miss you so much justin

yesterday was 3 months justin has been gone. lately i've been able to accept what happend and realize that i will one day see justin again. yesterday was so hard though. every month is going to be hard when the 27th comes around. it's just so weird.. him not being here. chelsea is being so so so strong.. going out to see her friends, smiling. i don't see how she does it but it sure helps everyone else around her to realize what a miricle she is and that we can all get through this. senior year is about to start and its going to be hard going back to school without justin there.. not seeing him everyday when i go to lunch and having him do his cute little smile and just being able to see him everyday. i know that he is with me though and he will be taking care of me and everyone else. i'm not so much angry anymore for what happend, just hurt that it had to happen to him at such a young age.. but i guess God had bigger and better plans for him and he is truly in a better place now. "To let go isn't to forget, not think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't winning, nor is it losing. It's not about pride. It's not obsessing about or dwelling on the past. It isn't about loss and it's not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories but overcome them. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up." that quote describes everything perfectly. i know that it is time to move on with life and not have to worry about this every day.. thats exactly what justin would want me to do.. have fun.. drink a few for him. i'm never ever ever going to forget him and the impact he had on my life, but i need to start thinking about the positive things he brought into my life and be happy that i had the chance to be friends with him rather than be upset all of the time because he is gone. he has changed me forever and i am grateful to say that he was one of my good friends. i love you justin and miss you more and more every day. keep your eyes to the sky "in the end, my friend, we will all be together again." -OAR

yesterday was 3 months justin has been gone. lately i've been able to accept what happend and realize that i will one day see justin again. yesterday was so hard though. every month is going to be hard when the 27th comes around. it's just so weird.. him not being here. chelsea is being so so so strong.. going out to see her friends, smiling. i don't see how she does it but it sure helps everyone else around her to realize what a miricle she is and that we can all get through this. senior year is about to start and its going to be hard going back to school without justin there.. not seeing him everyday when i go to lunch and having him do his cute little smile and just being able to see him everyday. i know that he is with me though and he will be taking care of me and everyone else. i'm not so much angry anymore for what happend, just hurt that it had to happen to him at such a young age.. but i guess God had bigger and better plans for him and he is truly in a better place now. "To let go isn't to forget, not think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't winning, nor is it losing. It's not about pride. It's not obsessing about or dwelling on the past. It isn't about loss and it's not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories but overcome them. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up." that quote describes everything perfectly. i know that it is time to move on with life and not have to worry about this every day.. thats exactly what justin would want me to do.. have fun.. drink a few for him. i'm never ever ever going to forget him and the impact he had on my life, but i need to start thinking about the positive things he brought into my life and be happy that i had the chance to be friends with him rather than be upset all of the time because he is gone. he has changed me forever and i am grateful to say that he was one of my good friends. i love you justin and miss you more and more every day. keep your eyes to the sky "in the end, my friend, we will all be together again." -OAR

yesterday was 3 months justin has been gone. lately i've been able to accept what happend and realize that i will one day see justin again. yesterday was so hard though. every month is going to be hard when the 27th comes around. it's just so weird.. him not being here. chelsea is being so so so strong.. going out to see her friends, smiling. i don't see how she does it but it sure helps everyone else around her to realize what a miricle she is and that we can all get through this. senior year is about to start and its going to be hard going back to school without justin there.. not seeing him everyday when i go to lunch and having him do his cute little smile and just being able to see him everyday. i know that he is with me though and he will be taking care of me and everyone else. i'm not so much angry anymore for what happend, just hurt that it had to happen to him at such a young age.. but i guess God had bigger and better plans for him and he is truly in a better place now. "To let go isn't to forget, not think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't winning, nor is it losing. It's not about pride. It's not obsessing about or dwelling on the past. It isn't about loss and it's not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories but overcome them. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up." that quote describes everything perfectly. i know that it is time to move on with life and not have to worry about this every day.. thats exactly what justin would want me to do.. have fun.. drink a few for him. i'm never ever ever going to forget him and the impact he had on my life, but i need to start thinking about the positive things he brought into my life and be happy that i had the chance to be friends with him rather than be upset all of the time because he is gone. he has changed me forever and i am grateful to say that he was one of my good friends. i love you justin and miss you more and more every day. keep your eyes to the sky "in the end, my friend, we will all be together again." -OAR

chelsea just got out of rehab and came home yesterday. i haven't seen her yet but i saw pictures from when she was in rehab and it is amazing how much she has changed. its a mircle she is alive and she has really made a huge impact on everyone's lives who was friends with her or justin. she gives a new meaning to life and why we are all here. her and justin both have made everyone realize that your entire life can change in a split second. in the pictures of chelsea.. she just looked so lost. i couldn't help but to start crying when i saw them. all her her beautiful long blonde hair is gone from all of the surguries and she has huge dark circles under her eyes and you can tell she is hurting so bad about justin.. yet, she is the most beautiful girl i have seen. it just tears me up that she is having to go through this. fighting for her life and losing the love of her life at the same time.. how do you tell yourself to keep fighting? she remembers some things and she remembers ones who were really close to her.. but she has had a great deal of memory loss. i really think she is one of the strongest people i have ever met in my entire life. they pronounced her dead and she is now at home stable medically.. emotionally i know she is not and i really hope that she knows that everyone loves her so so much and that god is on her side and justin is here with her. i was riding in the car tonight and it hit me all over again. justin is gone. i go through periods where i am accepting with what happend and i know that god has a reason and a plan for everyone and it was his time and that everything will be ok and then it will hit me all over again that someone i am friends with was killed at age 18. that is not how it is supposed to be. why did god take him from us.. its just not fair. and i know i write the same things over and over again on here but i just dont understand any of it.. at all. i just wish i could go back in time and tell him i loved him and what a great friend he was more often. i miss you and love you so much justin conley brooks.. i hope you know that. please take care of chelsea.. she needs you more than ever

haha love those off guard pictures :) your prelude after everyone came and put flowers, cards, posters, writing, anything you could think of to remember you even though you weren't there to walk, you still did it.. and got the biggest, only standing applause.. everyone is SO proud of you aww gotta love kane's bear hugs :) and i miss that smile more than anything! i would give anything just to see it one more time! stunna shades ;) always gotta look fly baby :) RIP J.Brooks haha look at that cute little smirk your mom and dad walking for you and getting your diploma.. like i said, you HAD to have heard everyone cheering for you at graduation.. i had to hold back from crying there's that smile again :) best uncle ever! miss you SO SO SO much honey.. hope you know that I Know youre in heaven smiling down Watching us while we pray for you Every day we pray for you Til the day we meet again In my heart is where i'll keep you friend the song your mom had played at your funeral.. which will ALWAYS remind me of you when i listen to bob marley.. especially when i hear that song.. i still remember sitting there and it coming on and i was crying so hard but laughing at the same time because everyone knows that is exactly the song you would have wanted played at your funeral miss you and love you more than you will ever know justin!

2 months later and i still can't believe justin is gone. everyone is saying that it gets better as time goes on but it only seems like it is getter harder and i feel like i have no one to talk to about it. i just want to be able to see his smile again and hear him make fun of me.. something, it doesn't matter.. i just want to see him again. and the funny thing is that i haven't gone to his grave yet. i am scared because i know i will lose it all over again like i did the day of the funneral. i know that it will just reassure that he is really gone and i don't want that.. i don't want to see his name on the stone. its just not fair at all. i also feel like i need to go to the bedford and go to where it actually happend just to try to come to terms with everything and be able to move on but i know the second i start driving to his grave or the road it happend on i will just turn around. i need to go with someone who is going through the same thing but it seems liek all of my friends that knew him also have been able to move on. i don't understand how.. i just miss him so damn much. this past week i was at the beach and every single red prelude i saw i turned around to make sure it wasn't him and then i realize that he isn't here anymore. every song i listen to reminds me of him. i know he is with me but i just still can't believe that all of this has happend. never in a million years did i think that someone i was friends with would die. it's not supposed to be that way. i love you and miss you so much justin and i hope you know that.. please keep helping chelsea.. she needs you so so so much especially since she just found out about you the other day. you were the love of her life and i know she is wondering why your life was taken and why she was the one who survived because i know she would have taken her life for you. its amazing how she can go from being in a coma, being pronounced dead, doctors telling the family she will be a vegetable the rest of her life to her being in rehab right now in atlanta and talking again and remembering everything. she was asking for you and they couldn't tell her about you until she was stable enough becasue they didn't want her to relapse but she did know that you were hurt a lot worse than her.. i can't even begin to believe how she feels know that the love of her life was died in the same car accident she was injurged so badly in.. please keep watching over her and your family.. especially your sister.. she is having such a hard time but i know her and chelsea will make it thorugh this together.. they need you so bad right now because you were the one who they went to in times liek this and now you aren't here anymore.. i miss you so much and i love you so much.. i wish i would have told you that more often

Decided to stay home for the night and since I have nothing else to do, I decided to look on here and see what all I had written in the past and its funny how much I've changed. Things are so much different now. I am about to be a senior, and it really scares me. Unlike most people, I don't want to go away to college. I want to stay close to home. I know I need to get out and experience things that I wouldn't experience unless I went to a college with some distance but the thought of even 2 hours seems too much to me. I've completly changed who I hang out with from when I used to actually write in this thing. I guess it's true when people say you will always go back to those who were there in the beginning. I'm back to being best friends with the girls I went to elementary school with. I can't decided whether it has helped who I am or not. I love my friends to death and I would not change a thing with my life, but I've really changed as a person since I've started hanging out with these people again. We've managed to get ourselves into many situations that I would never put myself in if I were still hanging out with my old friends. Different groups are for sure involved in different things. I think becoming friends again with the people I am friends with had a big impact on my decision to quit 2 sports that once meant everything to me. I would never admit that my friends had anything to do with it, always told myself it was because I wanted to spend more time at the barn riding. Yet, when I wasn't playing sports, I wasn't at the barn as much as I should be. One of my good friends died a month and 3 days ago. I still try to tell myself it is just a dream and I am going to wake up and he is going to be here again and then I just have to face that it is true and he is gone. He wasn't supposed to be on that road, in that car, at that time. It's not fair that he wasn't the one driving and his life was lost. I can't be angry at anyone, no one wanted it to happen yet I am more angry than ever because a friend, son, brother, uncle was taken from everyone. Not only did his mom lose him, but she also lost his brother who was driving the car. His girlfriend, who was also in the car, is still in the hospital to his day and just woke up from a coma about a week ago. I don't handle deaths well, but when it is your own friend, how do you make yourself realize that they are truly in a better place and that you will seem them again someday. Everything happens for a reason, I know this, but why did it have to be someone who was supposed to graduate in 10 days. Someone who cared so much about everyone else and would put anyone before himself. Why did they have to take him from the one that he truly loved. We all knew him, he was always the ladies man, but when he finally decided on Chelsea, it was clear that she was one of the best things that has ever happend to him and he was the best thing that had happend to her and now she is left alone. I don't understand this, still a month later I go to sleep every single night wondering why God took him from us. I know he is looking down at me right now mad at me that I am crying and writing this and not out drinking or doing something crazy for him but there are some days where it hits me again that he truly isn't here anymore. I will never get to see that smile that could light up a room or I will never get to make those little remarks on how damn good he always smelled. The day of his funeral, the chapel was packed full of people.. not nearly enough seats for everyone and I still remember exactly when they started playing a song for him.. and of course it had to be "One Love" by Bob Marley because Justin would have wanted nothing else. Its crazy how days before he passed he had a conversation with his mom about what they wanted at their funerals. Just having a general conversation with each other and yet his mom had no idea that she was actually going to have to use what he had said he wanted. I think it will take awhile for it to finally sink in and for me to finally realize that he is in an amazing place always watching over me and that I will see him again someday. I love you so much Justin and miss you more than anything. Heaven is SO lucky! RIP JUSTIN CONLEY BROOKS May 1, 1989 - May 27, 2007

Break is over and we went back to school Monday. Really wasn't that bad. Kinda mad Tech won.. even though I really should have been rooting for him since I live like 30 minutes away from Tech and since my family likes Tech, but I'm a Louisvillie fan now. My cousins live there and we went on a trip together right before the game, and she got me liking them! On New Years Eve, there were 3 boys in Craig that were drunk and were driving in on of the boy, Josh's, new mustang he got for Christmas. A deer ran out in front of the car and he swerved and hit a tree going 130. It split the car in half. Josh, the driver, got killed on impact. Chris (a junior at my school) was put into critical care, along with his brother, Michael. Chris lived for a day, but died yesterday. Michael is still in critical condition and if he survives he will be paralyzed. I didn't know Chris that well, but Michael was in my math class last year and was a nice guy. But, I was reading all of the comments that people have left on Chris' myspace about how much he will be missed and stuff, and it really made me think about how much I take for granted. I will admit, I am pretty spoiled, my parents get me A LOT, and sometimes I think that I don't appreciate what I am given and what I have. I have a family that loves me and friends that love me. I do well in school, play sports, have a horse, have a job.. and yet, sometimes I question how happy I am. And thats when I realize I need to get over myself and be happy with what I am given and the fact that I am here and that I am as fortunate as I am. I also take my friends for granted sometimes. I honestly do not know what I would do without them. Yeah, girls will get in fights now and then, but no matter how many fights we get in, I will always be there for my friends, and I know they will always be there for me. Also, you need to remember that your friends will ALWAYS be there for you, in the long run, you're high school sweetheart won't. Sure, you can spend a good amount of your time with that person, but you also need to remember who your true friends are and who will be there in the end. RIP Christopher Dewease

Merry Christmas! I'll just start from today, being that its been a month since I last wrote in this. Woke up at freaking 7:00 because Graham and Leslie wanted to open presents. I got a new digital camera, iPod nano, new cell phone, and then the usual clothes and stuff. I had a pretty stacked Christmas being that I got my horse last year. Yeah, thats also pretty weird that I've already had my horse for a year. Things have been pretty crazy lately. Things have been really different this year. I hang out with people that I stopped being friends with last year and stuff. All of my friends.. and when I say all of my friends, I'm not exaggerating.. every single one of them except me and Amy have boyfriends that they are "in love" with. It doesn't so much upset me that they have boyfriends and I don't, it upsets me how much they ditch me for them. My mom keeps on telling me to just wait until I get a boyfriend and they don't have one and I will then realize that I will want to spend my majority of my time with them. True, I might.. but I stil don't think that I will just ditch my best friends for my boyfriend.. but oh well. Never thought I'd actually tell anyone this, but I like Melvin, a lot a lot a lot.. and I finally told my friends that I have had feelings for him all along, and of course someone goes and tells him and he starts acting all weird. It was exactly around this time last year when I stated liking him... akljfdlkaj. I don't even know why I could even still have feelings for him, I mean he did cheat on me. But, there is just something about him. My friends have said I am in love with him.. I have never ever... EVER even thought I have been in love with any guy I have ever been with.. until now.. :/ except, I'm trying to make excuses to people and make it sound liek I don't really like him that much, I just don't want people to knwo.. i don't even know what the hell I am saying right now.. because I just, don't know how to even describe it.. dammmnnnn

Wow, I haven't written since August! A lot has happend since then. Classes are extremely hard this year!! I know I'm smart, I'm in the gifted program, but this year it seems impossible the make a good grade. Homecoming was in October. For awhile I didn't think I was going to go because I was interested in a guy from another school and decided I would ask him (After I had already said no to Korey, Melvin, and Mack and they had gotten a new date) and the guy said no.. so I was like okay, guess I'm not going to homecoming.. but Stuart ended up asking me so we went as friends. Stuart acted weird the whole night.. and everybody was dancing with everyone else and he was getting all pissed off at me, even though he was dancing with other girls. But, thats okay, I had a ton of fun! Volleyball season was AWESOME! I was one of the captains, which was cool. We were such a good team though! We were 19-1 and we beat the team once that we lost to and we only lost by 2 points when they beat us. We better win states my senior year, maybe even next year. I had a lot of injuries during the season. In preseason I broke my finger/part of my hand, got pneumonia, and then halfway during the season I hurt my knee. It was nothing that I could really hurt more so I kept playing, but it hurt like a bitch ALL of the time! I played libero which I was really happy about since I'm a defensive specialist and they FINALLY got that put into our rules.. and the other night we had our banquet and I was defensive MVP. I've been hanging out with Glenvar people a lot because me and Emily started hanging out again and her boyfriend goes there. I am talking to a guy from there, but lately he has been REALLY annoying. He is always just, there... doesn't play hard to get or anything and its quite annoying. But, oh well.. haha I'm not going to worry about it, its not like we are together and its just not worth worrying about :) I showed my horse for the first time a few weekends ago. Shannon had been showing him while I couldn't ride that much because of volleyball, but after that was over I FINALLY got to show him. It was combined training.. dressage, cross country, and stadium jumping. I was really nervous for my dressage test, I was afraid I would forget it. We did okay in that, he was really looky and shyed away from some thing, but thats okay. Cross country I thought he would be great since there isn't color or anything on the jumps, which is what he usually looks and stops at, but he refused 5 times! I was soooo mad. I think I rode him too confident in him and didn't expect him to stop at stuff, so he did.. so in stadium jumping I was not about to let him stop at anything and he was absolutly wonderful! We had a clear round and he didn't look at a single thing. I didn't think overall with my dressage and cross country score I would do that great, but I ended up getting 1st. I was one of the few that actually completed the XC course or didn't get Disqualified. Today is Thanksgiving and it snowed yesterday! That was pretty exciting being that it took FOREVER to actually get cold.. but Happy Thanksgiving everyone! (if anyone actually reads this thing haha) Stadium Jumping Cross Country Me and Kristen at homecoming Kristen, Ellen, SB, Ryan, Kendall, Me, Millie, and Mary Murph, Ry, Stuart, Me

Where to begin? Summer is winding down and I am not looking forward to school at all. I do not go back to school until September 6th, but volleyball starts Monday and that takes up the rest of my summer. Especially now since I am working and trying to get out to the barn everyday. Of course, I have not even opened my summer reading book, which I know I will regret, but oh well. I haven't really seen my best friends lately, we have all been out of town, and I hate that. Kristen is now dating Grayson. I was really upset about it at first since he was the last guy I dated and she is my best friend, but I know they are happy together and it would just be immature to dwell on it. It really upsets me that Austin and I don't talk and hang out as much as we used to. He is still my best friend but lately it seems like he always has something to do. I really liked him for awhile, but Grayson, surprisingly, told me the other day that I should like someone who cares as much for me as I care for Austin. I guess it's true. Grayson is really good friends with John, a guy who is coming to our school from a school nearby to play football. I have talked to him all summer but we actually hung out yesterday. He ended up coming over last night and we just hung out and watched TV and stuff. Grayson thinks I should just go for him, but he is new and no new guy is going to want to date a person when there are so many new girls. Grayson wants to talk to him, though.. but whatever happens, happens. I have a feeling there is going to be soo much drama this school year with the freshman girls coming up and all. Not looking forward to that, at allll. I'll update and try to start redoing my diary when I can....

I'm FINALLY home from the beach and TREC Camp. It's so nice to actually sleep in my own bed :) The beach was fun. It was great seeing Lacey, Crystal, Eddie, Zach, and everyone since we haven't seen them in awhile. I hung out with Michael, Brian, and Brendon some, too while I was down there since they were there the same week as me. I had a good birthday, but I still wish I would have been home for it. TREC Camp was better than I expected it to be. The 1st day I felt horrible and I just wanted to go home, but the week got better. I made a lot of new close friends. Being that we stayed at a boyscout camp there was PLENTLY of cute boys. A lot of us girls talked to a few of them but Tony from Maryland, John from Tennessee, and Rob from about 10 minutes away from me were the ones I really actually had a good conversation with. Tony and I talked some at the camp and for like 2 hours on a bus ride to white water rafting. He was really nice, he bought me some boyscout socks :) He wants to maybe come to TREC Camp next year because he was talking to Dan and Doug about it and he wants to come down and visit us all sometime. I'll try to update when I have some time!

Happy Late 4th! I didn't do anything huge last night. I went to the barn party for awhile and then went over to Kristen's. It ended up being me, Ellen, Ryan, Kristen, Andrew, Quinn, Jed, Dana, and Maggi. It was quite.. interesting, but fun! We watched fireworks and swam and stuff. Ellen, Ryan, Kristen, and Maggi leave for UVA Lax Camp tomarrow. I'm pretty mad I can't go, but the word is that the schedule is insane and its a bit like boot camp, so I can only be so mad I'm not going. I leave for the beach on Saturday. I am excited we are going to Hilton Head because there is more to do there, but I kind of miss the Outer Banks just because I have gone there all of my life and its just nice not having everything going on all of the time. Brian, Michael, and Daniel are going to be down there the same time as me though, so that should be fun :) They said they are going to have a party for me since I am going to be there on my birthday! We are also going with some old family friends that we don't see much since they moved which should be nice. The day I get back from the beach I have to repack and leave for camp. I'm really not looking forward to that. I really just don't want to go to the camp period this year. I'm sure I'll have fun since I am a leader and everything again this year, but some old friends that I don't get along with too well are going. Oh well, things happen and you just have to learn to look past it. My sister, my mom, my sister's friend, and her mom are trying to "fix me up" with my sister's friend's older brother, Carter. Its a pretty funny situation. I've known Carter for awhile and hes a great guy. When he was a senior in high school I had the biggest crush on him, as did every other girl. Hah, this is going to be interesting.

I am going to try to redo some stuff on my diary, but knowing me it will take forever since I have no time anymore to actually sit down and change everything. Last night was pretty fun. Dana, Kristen, and I went to see Batman.. won't lie, kind of scared me. But, overall it was a pretty good movie. I don't ususally watch those types of movies, so I wouldn't say it was a favorite, but oh well. Then we went and picked up Erin and went to the Ice Cream Parlor where we stayed till it closed. Took Kristen home since she was in trouble for being late for curfew and then we went and parked at Roanoke College and took a walk around campus. Quinn and I got in a fight because I saw a movie and went out with my friends that I haven't seen much this summer and he was leaving for lax camp today, but oh well, friends come before boys. I also found out that Quinn's ex-girlfriend, who he went out with for about a year and a half, hates me because Quinn and I talk a lot and hang out. I can understand where jealously would be since they were together long, but she also just doesn't like me because of stuff that has happend in the past, but oh well, not like I am losing sleep over it. I went "birthday shopping" with Shannon today. Kind of sad when your brithday shopping is REALLY for your horse, but then again I don't really want or need anything but horse stuff, so I can't complain. It was quite expensive and I'm not even finished yet. I still have to get some show pads and extra stuff, but the next main expense is going to be my show jackets and clothes. I still need a new trunk and stuff, but mom told me I had to pay for that myself, but oh well, its time I start using my own money for my horse since my parents do pay over $700 a month for training and board, not including shoeing, suppliments, and other stuff.

Things have been pretty crazy lately. I've slept in like 3 times this whole summer because I've been getting up at like 7ish every morning to go to the barn. Shannon gave me 2 horses that are my "project" that she wants me to train myself. I'm pretty excited about that. My horse's training is coming along, he still isn't where I would like him to be, though.. oh well. I'm coaching at a lax camp this week and thats been going pretty well. Usually Coach Myers runs it but since he is moving Coach Wags is running it and things just aren't the same. Its also a lot different without Bob there, but things are getting better with that. They are selling the livestrong type bands that say "Live Lax For Bob" and they are using the money for a scholarship they are making in his name. Mack is doing better. Of course you aren't just fine after your father dies, but he isn't dwelling on it and he is really pushing for things such as the scholarship to make him remembered for the thing he loved, lacrosse. Some random stuff has been happening with boys, but thats okay. Quinn and I have hung out a lot lately but I don't think I want it to go anywhere. I finally told Kristen I had feelings for my best guy friend, Austin. After Grayson and I stopped dating and Kristen and Austin blew over me and Austin have just become even closer than we were at the beginning of the year. We are both kind of, I guess afraid to admit that we have feelings for each other since we are best friend and we don't want to ruin that, but Kristen keeps on telling me that I have to decide whether its worth the risk or not. And I've come to realize that if Austin and I are truly best friends that if we did put it all out there and it just didn't work out that we would still remain what we were before. I finally see where everyone is coming from now, though. They all used to tell me that since Austin and I were best friends it would work perfectly becuase we already had the friendship, trust part down and we just have to build on what we already have. Everything happens for a reason though, so it will work out for the best. I'll be gone for 2 weeks in July and I'm not looking forward to that, at all! But my birthday is July 15th!!! :D

I always write in here when I am pissed off, upset, or something bad has happend. That needs to change. Things have settled down with Mack and his dad's death and everything. He is just getting involved with the wrong stuff and he won't listen to any of his friends, we know the only person he would remotly listen to is Kayla, and we know she is trying hard to get him to not get involved in that shit, he really just can't. He has a younger brother that only has him now and his mom really needs him. I've decided I stayed stressed too much and I am too uptight about everything so I am just going to try to have a fun summer. I am going to try to not let little things get to me. We'll see how this goes. I honestly just do not care about guys anymore. Grayson all of the sudden has been talking to Kristen about me and he keeps on bringing us getting back together up. We've also hung out for the past couple of nights. Quinn and I are God knows what? But, like I said, I am just going to have fun this summer and I just don't really care anymore about it all. I'm in high school, its not worth dwelling over. I've slept in twice since school has gotten out because I've been going to the barn every morning at like 8. The Roanoke Valley Horse Show is this weekend. Its one of the top 10 horse shows so mornings this week will be 6:30 since we show in the morning. I basically live there during show week, its pretty sad. My goals for the summer are: 1-Have a good time 2-Actually doing my summer reading and not waiting till 2 days before school starts to do it 3-Stop being a bitch to my parents :) 4-Kicking some ass in horse shows 5-Stay out of trouble

I hung out with Mack on Sat. night. We were all at Teddy's and that is what Mack need's right now, his friends. He acted like he was fine, but you aren't fine after your father just died. I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. I broke down this morning and my mom and I were fighting for an hour or two. She told me that she didn't want to see me and that I should just go to my room and not go to school. She told me that I was going to stress my own father out so much that I would make him have a heartattack and die. What the hell kind of mother says this to you? I am really glad that I didn't go to school today because they called the guy's and girl's lacrosse team downstairs and had coach Turk explain what happend this weekend to Bob. They said that everyone could stay there, go back to class, go to the guidence counsler, whatever they needed. They all stayed there and everyone just cried together. The girl's team said it was the hardest thing to sit there and watch all of the guy's hurt so bad. They also found out that Bob was maybe going to be our new Coach since Coach is leaving. That was so hard to hear. I know Bob is in a better place, but why did that have to happen to us? We already have Coach leaving and then a guy's coach, a father, a friend was taken from us. It's just not fair at all. His funeral is Wed. and the girl's team was invited, too. God, all of Salem is going to be there. This is probably been the most emotional 2 weeks of my life. R.I.P. Robert M. Johnson, you are truly missed and we love you.

I am falling apart and I don't know what to do. I've been sick for the past 2 weeks. We found out that our Lacrosse coach is moving to New York. Most people didn't understand why the whole team was crying all day, but he was a personal coach. He got to know all of us and he didn't just coach the game, he helped us with things outside of lax and just really got close to us. We are all taking it really hard. We were like a family and now its going to be so hard to just have a new coach come in and take over. Its just not fair. I found out today that one of my good friend's dad had a heart attack and died. He was the guys lacrosse coach. As of now they can't get ahold of his son, Mack, becuase he is at the lake with some friends. I walked inside and saw my dad was crying because Bob, the guy, and him were really close friends and they just had dinner together the other night. I really don't think I can take all of this anymore, everything is falling apart. What did we do to deserve all of this? Its so unfair how some of the best people in our lives are taken for no reason at all. RIP Bob Johnson 6-4-05 .. You were such a great coach, father, and friend.

Things have been weird lately. I've been feeling sick for about a week now and I don't know why. I've been really down and frustrated lately. I think I am just stressed from school and stuff, or I hope so. I'm really upset about some things with Kristen, but there is nothing I can do. I'm trying my best not to let Grayson get to me because he keeps on doing things to make me upset and I really don't want him to think that it is working. The guys lax team lost the game that would have took them to the State Championship, so it really sucks. But, they gave it their all. I am really upset with my parents. Nothing I do will please them and it seems like 99% of the time I am getting bitched at for something.