urgh..i'm so frustrated because i don't know what i want. okay well first tonight i saw a movie with the lax team! it was great fun, i love alla the girls..gives me some new people to hang out with. okay the movie, i guess from what i got of it, was a lot about losing a friendship and what it really meant. she had a guy friend that lived next to each other and they grew up together and stuff. my friendship isn't really like that with anyone. well i had it with maeve, but shit happend and we can't be friends, which i'm not sure i'm too upset about. and i guess i had it with chuck, we never talk anymore though. (both of them i grew up with and we lived right down the street from each other). travis is my only true friend. he moved to salem last year and had one of my friends in his grade (9th) ask me if i thought i would ever go out with him. i ended up talking to him a lot and right away we were best friends. he knows everything about me. we don't live near each other, our parents don't know each other, i've been to his house once (snuck out of a friends house and went up there..so really i've only seen the basement), he has never been to my house, i don't see him like any anymore since he is at the highschool, but yet i would trust him with anything. and i know i will prob never find anyone else that i can trust like that, and i am really afriad that we are losing our friendship. he has a girlfriend and goes to highschool and has other things. i don't want to pour all of my problems out to him and then have him think about them when his life is going perfectly. i think its sorta unfair to him that i am always saying shit like we are really that great of friends and have him worry about how i am doing because when he talks to me i vent to him and tell him about all of the negative stuff. all of the sudden i feel liek i only talk to him when i need to tell someone something bad, that i need to get out when i know no one else will listen. i can't do it to him anymore. but yet i know i can't go on without him. i love him with all of my heart, he is my bestfriend. ugh this is making no sense at all...i am making no sense... i live my life in the past. i can't let go of matt, i want the past friendships i've had, i want life to be easy again...i know everything happens for a reason and it makes me stronger, its just all happening so fast. my parents think i'm some perfect student. honestly, i don't think i am gonna pass my latin or world geo exam or SOLs. my parents would flip out. i am just so stressed with everything. i need to live a little, i swear i am a perfectionst or however you spell that damn word. i just need to think about everything..... ohhh and i read in someones journal they were talking about people being too depressed or mad or whatever, most people, well i do, write in this journal to get things off of their chest and its not always going to be happy shit, not everyones lives are perfect..eyy just take that into consideration.