wow i never felt so alone until this very moment....alone and invisible....oh well thats the story of my life....i dont know why im writing right now. i have nothing really to say. its just like flowing out of my fingers onto the keyboard without my mind even working. i dont know if anyone knows what im talking about or if anyone has ever felt that before but thats what it feels like for me. things are not going good for me lately. i just feel like crying all the time. it doesnt make sense i know but.... thats what i feel like. my parents dont trust anything that i do.ever sinse the pill incident last year, they havent trusted me at all. i hate that. and then there is the thing about today when me and my mom were fighting and i she told me that i should just move out if i didnt like it. and then a little while later i asked her if she really wanted me to leave and she said yes. but i cant leave yet. i know that if i do i wont make it until graduation. i know that i would just end up dropping out. because i know if i was on my own, i would just "not feel like going to school" and then i would probably get dropped from the class...yes yes i have senioritis very very bad. but anyways i cant believe that im not wanted here. it is a very bad feeling to have. and then i think that my grandma had another stroke...i visited her today and it was like she wasnt aware of anything around here. like her body is there but shes gone. its a scary thing to think of her as being like that. i really dont think that she will be alive much longer. i remember last year when she almost died....she was mad at my dad and grandpa for taking her to the hospital because she just wanted to die. i dont want her to die. i know everyone has to one day but i know that if she does, i will end up forgetting all the good things about her before she got sick. im deathly afraid that i will forget about when i was younger and she used to take us on picnics and places. i dont want to have the only memories of her as when she was sick. i dont want that at all. anyways i guess there was some good today...church was good.Stella sang awesome today...it was a song called Jesus by Nicole Nordman...it made me cry. there werent very many people at youth though. i guess it was cus the holidays